Tuesday, September 28, 2010

DWTS Week 2; OR "Michael Bolton's Last Shred of Dignity is Stripped from Him on National TV"

The second title is wordier, but more accurate. Here's a stream-of-consciousness rundown of my thoughts from last night's episode, as I was feeding Robinson:

  • I am bummed I no longer have a reason to shout "Don't Hassle the Hoff!" at my television. I'll now have to return to saying it to Steve whenever the mood strikes.
  • I would like to replace The Situation with Albie Manzo. Just a suggestion.
  • Yay to Margaret Cho for her graceful descent down the stairs. I am relieved to see she is sans cape. In related news: her dress is made from the bed linens from my freshman dorm room.

  • What in Cruella deVille hell is Michael Bolton wearing?
  • Brandy looks like she's wearing the "Naughty Schoolgirl" Halloween costume from Electrique Boutique.
  • Rick Fox is so charming. I'm pretty sure if he ever made direct eye contact with me I would blush and stammer. It's just a theory.
  • Ok, Tom and Brooke keep referencing The Hoff's early departure like it's Jennifer Hudson and Chris Daughtry's American Idol eliminations: the sequel. It isn't.
  • I hate to see sweet Audrina cry, but I love that when she cries she flaps her hands in front of her face.
  • I love Florence Henderson's frequent and (not) subtle digs at Cloris Leachman. In Flo's defense, Cloris did behave like a dementia patient most of the time she appeared on Dancing with the Stars.
  • OMG! Ith Thindy Brady!
  • Ugh. Can Maksim/Brandy and Derek/Jennifer switch partners? I've worked with Russians and African Americans, and it's explosive. Like Mentos and Diet Coke. Brandy and Maks are doomed. Also, I love Jennifer Grey and find Derek Hough to be a complete tool. Moving on.
  • I have no interest in seeing Brandy perform, unless she's dancing to "The Boy is Mine" or "Sittin up in My Room". Also, she is so over-animated in her reactions to the judges critiques. I feel like I'm watching Moesha: The Musical. What I'm saying is, she's awful.
  • Chelsie Hightower, if  you didn't want to participate in DWTS this year, why didn't you just say so? Did you have to take Michael Bolton down with you?
  • Michael's descent into humiliation: he howls and barks to his dance music, he agrees to crawl out of a dog house, he wears a surgical mask to rehearsal. This is more awkward than my entire sixth grade year.
  • Michael Bolton: "This is not Whatever Land." I've been looking for a new catch phrase. Thanks, Michael!
  • Ouch. Bruno says Michael's jive is the worst he's seen in 11 years. Nail, meet coffin.
  • The judges critique their performance. I've never heard so many euphemisms for "You Suck". 
  • Sweet Carrie Ann Inaba says it best: You're Michael Bolton and you crawled out of there. Yes he did, Carrie Ann. Yes he did. The real question is, did crawling out of the dog house, howling, and standing with a bone in his mouth degrade him so completely that we can now forget what used to be the most embarrassing thing about him:
  • Hint: I'm talking about his hair. Just remember, Michael: Nothing heals a broken heart like "Time, Love and Tenderness"
  • Brooke Burke is trying so hard to be nice. She even tries to tell a sweet story about a time when she was humiliated on national television when she forgot her jive routine...too bad she went on to win the whole thing and now has a hosting gig on the show. Not quite the same thing, is it?
  • I'm loving that blue dress Audrina is wearing. I'm told that shade of blue is not my color. She improved, which is great, but Tony lost a bet he made, that if they didn't score three 8's he would wax his legs. Bruno gave him a 7. Bruno's been a little bitch tonight.
  • I want Jennifer's dress. I have no occasion to wear a dress like that, so I imagine I'd just vacuum while wearing it. Sounds like a good time.
  • While lying on the dance floor recovering, Jennifer spends an uncomfortable amount of time with her head in Derek's lap. To be fair, anybody's head in Derek Hough's lap makes me uncomfortable.
  • We get to chat with Sarah Palin. I love her use of the word "exuberance" and her ability to make a hockey reference at a ballroom competition.
  • Good job Margaret. If sincerity counts, she might be the most deserving winner.
  • Kurt Warner performs nicely. Next.
  • The Situation. I can't believe all of America has agreed to call a 27-year-old man "The Situation". Next.
  • Mark and Bristol journey home to Alaska to meet Sarah. Because, ya know, that's where Sarah always can be found. The meet and greet is about as awkward and embarrassing as any teenage girl introducing a man to her mom. I love the part where Sarah asks Mark how he taught Bristol to shimmy. As if Sarah doesn't know how to shimmy. Child, please!
  • Who did Bristol piss off in the wardrobe department this week? That purple dress is heinous.
  • I've read that the producers select the music. Do they have an agenda with Bristol? Last week she performed to "Mama Told Me (Not to Come). This week, "You Can't Hurry Love." I see a theme here. (Hint: It's "don't have sex")
Obviously, America has a "bone" to pick with Michael Bolton. He really deserves to be sent to "the pound" for that performance, so he'll probably be "unleashed" in tonight's elimination. He'd probably rather be "put to sleep". And...I'm finished with this show.

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