She's Only 24?

If Heidi Montag's face could move, she'd blow out the candles on her birthday cake today. Our Lady of Silicone is turning 24. I wonder what she would wish for: her very own MTV series, a normal husband, a repaired relationship with her family, or her original body parts?

Call me what you will, but I liked Original Heidi. A lot, actually. I thought she was super cute. This is how I prefer to remember our girl. Oh, and she'd wish for her own MTV show. As if there was any doubt.

Discovering that today Heidi is only 24 is shocking. I knew she was a few years younger than me, it's just that all those plastic surgeries, all those publicity stunts, the fake wedding, the real wedding, the reality show, the I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! fiasco, getting fired from The Hills, alienating all of her friends, the fake marriage separation, the sexual harassment lawsuit threats, the estrangement from family, the crazy husband, the persistent courting of the paparazzi--these are all the acts of much older, desperate, aging starlet--not a young woman of 23. 

Exhibit A: Desperate Demi Moore

Exhibit B: Desperate Lisa Rinna

Exhibit C: Desperate Teri Hatcher

Exhibit D: Desperate Jessica Simpson (even she waited til her mid-twenties to get super-desperate)

I didn't even have to go trolling the archives to find photographic proof of the desperation that exists in Hollywood amongst the "older" ladies. These photos are all from within the last month.

24 was my "scary age". I know, that sounds ridiculous--I should have chosen something more predictable, like 36 or 43--but hear me out. 24 is the age where you are truly, truly an adult. You can't compete for Miss America after age 24. If you went to college--even if you changed majors or took a semester off to go backpacking through Europe--you should have successfully earned your Bachelor's degree by now. If you want to commit youthful indiscretions (i.e. quickie Vegas wedding, tongue piercing, obnoxious lower back tattoo, drunken acts of vandalism, DUI, drug experimentation, etc) you will be judged differently for doing said things before the age of 24 than you will after the age of 24--by your family, your peers, and maybe even a court of law. When I turned 24, I had never done any of the things mentioned above, and since I was also too old to audition for The Real World, I knew I never would.

So, now that she has reached the ripe-old "for real grown up" age of 24, what's Heidi gonna do? If she's smart (and her family insists that she is) she will realize that she's already done all the provocative, shocking things the public is willing to tolerate. She is at a cross roads and needs to decide which path to choose:

Britney or Christina?

Paris or Nicole?

Lindsay or Hilary?

Jessica or Ashlee?

Have I made my point? Can I stop now?

It's a new year, Heidi. Try being a little more like your old friend, Lauren Conrad and a little less like Tila Tequila.