You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night

My blogging activity has experienced a steep decline in the past couple weeks. I tend to write about marriage, motherhood, friendship, light-hearted observations, pop culture. I'll write about any little thought that crosses my mind, but I keep it upbeat. The past couple of weeks I have been met with an onslaught of sad events, and while I wouldn't say that I'm overly affected, I would say that my blogging inspiration has been temporarily extinguished. I mean, really, how could I joke about dogs humping babies and adventures in Netflix at a time like this? I'll return to blogging, just as Dorothy returned to Kansas, but consider this my attempt at a graceful segue: Things that happened while I wasn't blogging, that kind of made me feel like I have nothing to blog about.

North Texas is spellbound over case of missing woman: for the local reader, I could sum this up by simply saying the name "Susan Loper", but I'll recap for my non-Dallas readers:

A beautiful mother and local fitness instructor is kidnapped in the early morning hours from the local country club where she teaches Pilates, leaving behind only her phone, her purse, and signs of a violent struggle. A touch of irony: this was to be her last day of work at this country club before realizing her dream of opening her own Pilates studio. She is found a day later, brutally murdered, in an open field off a major road that I drive every day. Adding to the tragedy: she has an eight-year-old autistic son. As our peaceful suburb comes to terms with this shocking tragedy, police finally name a suspect. News outlets show his photo and photos of his home...and he lives across the road from me.  Authorities announce that they have located him. In the Grand Canyon. After he jumped into it. And lived. It's just awful, piled on top of tragic, smothered in horror and sprinkled with bizarre. Family and friends of Susan Loper are asking donations be made to help secure her 8-year-old son's future. You can assist by sending donations to

Jake Loper Trust
c/o Ferguson Law Group
2500 Dallas Parkway, Suite 260
Plano, TX 75093

Make checks payable to Jake Loper Trust


Tornado devastates Tuscaloosa: The level of devastation throughout the state of Alabama following this tornado is really beyond comprehension and I'm deeply saddened by it. At the same time, I feel kind of disconnected because I am all the way in Texas. We don't have to be in Tuscaloosa to help, though. Anybody can make a donation (every dollar helps) to the American Red Cross.

This picture touches me because those kids look just like my friends and I did when we were in college. I'm so sad for them over what has happened to their college town.

The Royal Wedding Happened: The coverage began around 3:00AM, as did my dutiful DVR, but I didn't press "start" until about 9:00AM. My mom's house was without power, so, being the good daughter that I am, I took photos of the television screen with my camera phone and sent picture messages of Kate's wedding dress, and I downloaded photos from online gossip sites and texted those to her, so we could discuss the hideousness that was Princess Beatrice's Fascinator (also, I'm proud to have learned the difference between a hat and a fascinator), and debate just how little effort we believed Chelsy Davy put into primping for the day.

It's my personal belief that her messy updo was the product of an all-night bender with the boys, and that her hangover hadn't even kicked in yet. Takes one to know one. Not for nothing, the girl's as cute as a button and would look good in a paper sack, so I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just sayin'. Also, if there had been a betting pool for being able to best predict Kate's wedding gown description, my mom would have a fistful of cash right now. The day before the wedding, since she was bored and without power, I indulged her in a little game of "What do you think Kate's dress is going to look like?" Her prediction: full skirt, strapless bodice, long lace sleeves, plunging v-neck, "very similar neckline to the blue dress she wore to announce her engagement". Well, how do you think my mom did?

Special thanks to Pippa Middleton for setting the bar for aspiring foxy bridesmaids everywhere. I have my work cut out for me if I want a chance to compete for the title of Hottest Bridesmaid 2011

Osama bin Laden was killed: Steve and I are watching TV in bed and simultaneously surfing the Internet on our respective phones. I know, it's good, quality time spent together, right? Steve catches a whiff of something on the Internet about an important announcement from Obama that will be taking place in moments. Of course we now know what that announcement is, and that we were kept waiting for over an hour to hear the announcement. Steve turns the channel to CNN, where the journalists, stalling as the press conference is pushed further and further back, repeat that they refuse to speculate as to what the announcement may be. Steve is all up in arms over this, but I'm all like, "Pfft, Barack Obama schedules press conferences more often than I schedule pedicures. He probably just wants to tell us that he saved a lot of money on car insurance by switching to Geico...or something." Steve insists, along with the news anchors, that this announcement is going to be major. Well, if this announcement is so major, where is my silver fox, Anderson Cooper? Steve gets bored with CNN and their refusal to speculate, so he changes the channel to Geraldo Rivera. I know, I know. Geraldo is so amped up, his voice has gone up a couple of octaves. He, of course, is not above speculation. He keeps shouting in a high-pitched voice that this announcement is going to be earth-shattering, etc. Not even looking up from my celebrity gossip, I nonchalantly mumble to Steve "The only way this is going to live up to the hype is if Obama is announcing that they've killed bin Laden." Steve gasps, "You think?! That could be it! You could be right!" "I've been right before," I say with a shrug. Moments later, Geraldo rips a printed email out of the hands of somebody off-camera and excitedly reads aloud on-air that Osama bin Laden is dead. This news comes as a relief, but I'm always going to kind of hate that Geraldo Rivera is the person who told me. I wish it had been the President. Or Anderson Cooper. Or Hugh Jackman.

So, throughout this flurry of events, my mom is living for six days like a pioneer woman--without power. This of course, is due to the aforementioned massive tornado. She calls me on the morning after her power is restored.

Mom: Well, I turned on the TV for the first time in nearly a week. I'm finally seeing footage of the tornado that has ravaged our state and only missed my house by about ten miles. Charlie Sheen is visiting Tuscaloosa to assess the damage. There was a Royal Wedding. Osama bin Laden is dead...

...My lights are back on, and it's a dramatically different world than when the lights went off.

Me: It's frickin' trippy, right? Did The Lollipop Guild greet you outside?

Mom: Pretty much.

I Thought I'd Care More: The Royal Wedding

Have you set your alarm for 2:55AM, so you have time to don a tiara, slip into your 'It Should Have Been Me!' t shirt and serve tea and scones on your Royal Wedding commemorative china before national coverage begins at 3:00AM sharp?

No? Is that because you're American, or because you have more pressing matters to attend to? I will be setting my DVR to record the wedding coverage, but I hope to be asleep when the celebration begins. I like Will and Kate, and I wish them the best, but I'm ready for this round-the-clock wedding coverage to be over. Because once it's over, journalists, celebrites, and talk show hosts will stop joking that their invitation got lost in the mail, right? I mean, it's a funny, funny joke, but all good things must come to an end, yes?

I don't mean to sound like a Bitter Betty, but the constant Royal Wedding coverage is wearing me out. Ok, for starters, I just realized that I unconsciously capitalized "Royal Wedding" like it's a proper name or a national holiday. That speaks volumes. Secondly, my loyalty as an American makes me question whether there is an appropriate level of curiosity, fascination, and obsession when it comes to the nuptials of another nation's monarch, and whether the American media has surpassed that appropriate level.

Of course I like the Brits and their customs, traditions, and all things British. I think Brits are good chaps. I rather enjoy a pint with my fish and chips. I like those WWII Keep Calm and Carry On posters.

I think the Union Jack is pretty cool.

I'm a fan of Sir Elton John. It doesn't change the fact that I'm not British, and it seems a little strange to be overly obsessed with the royal wedding. Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow are Americans who love Britain so much that they live there and clearly prefer it. And we Americans respond so well to that. It's bollocks is what it is! I don't want to be that girl. I don't mean to slag off on Madge and Gwynnie, but American girls who openly wish they are British are wankers in this humble blogger's opinion. America!

Maybe I would care more if the media wasn't trying so hard to make me care. It's the rebellious teenager in me that wants to rail against convention. They are cramming this wedding business so far down my throat that I'm choking on it as I run away from it. It's taken all the fun out, is what it's done. Yesterday Kathie Lee and Hoda were quizzing people on Royal Wedding trivia. I was listening while unloading the dishwasher, and I knew the answer to every single question. Despite my efforts to avoid this topic, Royal Wedding coverage has been so omnipresent over the past months that I've learned all this crap through osmosis. I shouldn't know how long Princess Diana's train was on her wedding dress. But I do. 25 feet.

I would classify my initial level of interest in this wedding as mild, but sincere. I like Will and Kate. They're a lovely couple. I'm happy for them. I love weddings, and I love wedding fashion. I'm looking forward to seeing Kate's dress, but that doesn't mean I wanted to spend the last five months listening to journalists attempt to analyze and predict every aspect of Kate's wedding day look ad nauseum. What's wrong with being surprised? She's going to look beautiful. Why do we have to pontificate about Kate's wedding day hair? Up or down? Let's imagine the possibilities!

I've also reached my limit on "How to live like royalty" specials. I'm not sure what's worse, endless news segments teaching me how to be as chic and elegant as Kate Middleton, or endless news specials that recount Kate and Will's courtship in painstaking detail. I'm so tired of hearing about how dazzled Will was by the sight of Kate in this dress:

The thing I take away from all of this is: if you wear see-through clothes, guys will notice you. Uhh, duh. How do you think I nabbed Steve?

Why Do I Know This?

I have a slight reputation for being kind of good at pop culture trivia. This semi-talent doesn't win me money or fame, but I have garnered a modest level of notoriety in various social circles and have won a few free pitchers of Natural Light in college. I know. I'm feeling boastful today.

Sometimes a person will ask a question that is pop culture-related, often to nobody in particular, and I find myself blurting out the answer the way my baby burps up formula. It's an involuntary response, and sometimes I even surprise myself with the truly random tidbits of knowledge rolling around in my brain. Here are just a few examples. You may not think they're that remarkable, and you can feel free to tell me so. But remember this: Each example I'm about to list occured within the last seven days. I'm on fire.

1. At dinner last Tuesday to celebrate our friend Bean's promotion, Brad jokingly called Bean "Mr. Bean". Then somebody at the table asked nobody in particular the name of the British actor who portrays the character Mr. Bean.

After racking my brain for a half-second (just as I do when trying to remember my 12-times tables), I blurt out "Rowan Atkinson". Everyone within earshot just stares at me.

Why do I know this?

2. While waiting in the doctor's office on Thursday afternoon, I receive a text message from Steve: "Scarlett Johansson dead...she fell onset at a movie shoot in France 70 feet".

What the what? I only had time to fire off an "Are you sure?" reply before being whisked away for an x-ray. While I'm standing in the x-ray machine, I'm considering this possibility. First of all, I have a healthy level of skepticism whenever my husband is the first person to break a piece of major celebrity news. In 2008, he called me at work, breathless, to announce that Jessica Biel was tragically killed when she fell off a yacht in international waters. I seriously don't know what that man is looking at on the Internet,  but he apparently likes to visit web sites that erroneously report the untimely, accidental death of celebrities with famous figures and questionable acting ability who are travelling abroad. AccidentalDeathOfCelebritiesWithFamousFiguresAndQuestionableActingAbility...I wonder if that domain name is taken? That would be a great website. Anyway, I don't believe Steve. Also, I don't think she's even in France. This is what I said to Steve when I finally got to call him:

"I think you're wrong about ScarJo. She was photographed by paparazzi jogging in Malibu with Owen Wilson and Sean Penn just a couple days ago."

Why do I know this?

These pictures caused a huge stir because people thought Scarlett looked pregnant. Boy, I'm so glad that I'm not famous enough for paparazzi to take my picture while I'm jogging. Those would be some unflattering photos! Oh, who am I kidding? I don't jog.

3. While lounging on the couch and flipping through channels on Sunday, Steve poses this question: "Is it bad that I think Lois Griffin is hot?

Me: No. She is hot. ["Us redheads gotta stick together," I think to myself]
Steve: Yeah. I think so, too.
Me: That's random. What made you think of that?
Steve: [points at TV, showing an episode of That 70's Show.] The mom on this show is the voice of Lois Griffin.

Me: No. She isn't.
Steve: [very firmly] Yes, she is.
Me: That's not right.
Steve: Yes it is!
Me: [sigh] Debra Jo Rupp plays Kitty on That 70's Show. Alex Borstein is the voice of Lois Griffin.
Steve: Oh, yeah right. Like the voice of Lois Griffin is a guy! [Shakes his head and laughs, like I'm so dumb and he's so smart]
Steve: Alex can be a girl's name. Like Alexandra.
Steve: Oh yeah. Well, are you sure she's not the voice of Lois?
Me: Uh, yeah.

Why do I know this?

Sidenote: Mila Kunis, who plays Jackie on That 70's Show is the voice of Lois Griffin's daughter Meg on Family Guy. But you knew that, right? That's an easy one.

4. Later on Sunday night, Steve is flipping back and forth between a baseball game and The Wizard of Oz, which is airing on cable.

Steve: Do you know who Judy Garland's mom is?
Me: Um, no...Judy Garland's real name is Frances Gumm, and her parents were Vaudeville performers. But I don't know her name.
Steve: Oh. I'm sorry, I meant to ask if you know who Judy Garland's daughter is.
Me: Oh. Yeah. Liza Minelli. You know that. Why are you even quizzing me?

Why do I know this? (Not the part about Liza, of course. The whole Frances Gumm-Vaudeville thing).

So, yeah. That's all for today. The moral of this story is: in the absence of Google or any other search engine, there's a possibility that I can answer your obscure pop culture trivia question. I'm adding that skill to my resume as soon I finish typing this.

I Said "Yay!" Out Loud When I Read This

My interest in celebrity gossip was sliced in half after the birth of my son. Kinda like the way my abdomen was sliced in half in order to rip the nearly ten-pound baby from my womb.

I'll give you a moment to allow that image to sink in.

Did I ever tell you that the nurse anesthetist present during the birth of my son somehow managed to swipe my brother's camera and, despite our urging that she not photograph the events that transpired, she painstakingly documented the cesarean delivery in photographs? The camera was later returned to my brother nonchalantly with no hint as to content of the images now stored in his camera's memory card. I got a phone call about a week later from my traumatized brother, "Geez, Samantha. That was graphic. You should have warned me." File that under "Things that can't be unseen."

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I no longer follow celebrity gossip with the same enthusiasm, but I do scan Cele|Bitchy almost daily to stay abreast of current pop culture events. Two stories that broke yesterday actually made me say "Yay!" out loud, so I thought I would share them with you. A Happy Friday, indeed!

Tina Fey is having a baby! Yay!

Tina Fey is expecting her second child with husband of ten years Jeff Richmond. She is currently five months along. Tina and Jeff have a five-year-old daughter named Alice.

Tina made the big announcement while taping a segment with Oprah to promote her new book, Bossypants.

I'm a big admirer of Tina Fey. I think she's wicked smart and funny and am happy to see women like her succeed in Hollywood (and anywhere else for that matter). At 40 years old, I'm happy for her to be nearly halfway through what I hope is a healthy and easy pregnancy.

I'm super excited about her new book, Bossypants. The cover of the book makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. I think I'll pick up a copy from my local book store, and save it to read out loud to my pal Baker when we are in Florida this summer for the annual girls' beach trip. The last time we were all together, I was reading Chelsea Handler's memoir, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Baker and I took turns reading chapters aloud to each other and we were laughing so loudly that our sides began to hurt and the sunbathers nearby asked what we were reading so they could go buy a copy. Here we are basking in the sunshine and the laughter:

Mariska Hargitay adopted a baby girl! Yay!

I think Mariska Hargitay is a classy lady. She has a precious family and seems like a loving and devoted mother. She and her husband Peter Hermann adopted an American baby girl and named her Amaya Josephine. She announced the news to People magazine. I lifted this quote from Cele|Bitchy, via People:

“We were considering both international and domestic adoption and we’re thrilled that this is the way our prayers were answered,” she adds. “We talked a lot about mixed-race adoptions, and we are very excited that we are now a multi-racial family. We’re just so happy she’s here.”

And there’s one family member who’s more excited than anyone: Hargitay’s 4-year-old son, August.

“He is over the moon,” says the actress. “He calls her his baby because he says the whole thing was his idea. He always talks about how he’s going to protect her. He’s going to be a great big brother.”

How sweet is that? Have a great weekend, everybody!

Hairy Tales

I've mentioned that my son recently turned seven months old. In related news, a riddle: What has two thumbs, a huge ass and is still saddled with unwanted baby poundage? This girl. I just realized that joke doesn't work if you can't see me point to myself with both thumbs. Pretend you saw that.

Anyway, as a motivator on my weight loss journey, I have devised a reward system with designated prizes as I achieve certain weight loss milestones. I am proud and relieved that as of this morning, I have earned...wait for it...a haircut.

Yes, I have taken things that we consider to be basic American rights, like haircuts and pedicures, and I am holding them hostage in hopes of motivating myself to succeed. So I haven't had a professional haircut since June. It's beyond scraggly at this point, which just adds insult to injury. The injury, of course, having a donkey butt.

Haircuts have been big news in recent weeks. Tween Idol Justin Bieber got a funky-fresh new look for spring:

At a glance, I thought this looked exactly like his old haircut, with perhaps a different styling product or technique, but entertainment journalists insist that these are two totally different hairstyles. I choose to believe the entertainment journalists, as they are paid to know these things. Sidenote: I love his delicate features. I wish I could carry him around with me in a knapsack, and take him out whenever I'm feeling sad.

Tired of Bieber's fancy hair stealing the spotlight from her legendary mane, Jennifer Aniston changed her hair as well. This is newsworthy for two reasons: 1. Jen hasn't changed her hair in ten years; 2. Everything Jen does makes news.

"Jen hasn't changed her hair in ten years," said the pot to the kettle. I could say the same thing about myself, but like Jen, my hair is one of the best things I have going for me, so it would be foolish to hack it off. I am looking for something that is manageable without being matronly, makes a cute ponytail, and looks good as it grows out--in case I happen to go another eight months without a haircut. What I would like is to cut as much off as possible and still have "long" hair. Err...I want to have the shortest possible hair that can still be considered "long". Am I making any sense? I better learn how to articulate this vision before visiting my hairstylist. Maybe I'll just show him this picture:

What?! I LOVE Her!

The other night, Steve and I are watching the new Showtime series, Shameless.  It stars William H. Macy as a neglectful, drunken father of six, and Emmy Rossum as the oldest of his brood. Aside from the generous helping of full-frontal nudity and gratuitous sex scenes, I rather enjoyed the show. In the middle of one scene that is focusing on Emmy's character Fiona, Steve turns to me and says, "I don't know what you're talking about, this chick is great."

My head snapped towards him. "What? What are you talking about? I've never said anything negative about Emmy Rossum." Steve shrugs, like "Are you sure? Ok." and I'm all like, "No! Why would I have anything bad to say about Emmy Rossum? I like her. No problems with her whatsoever!"

Maybe I'm a little sensitive because I post a lot of blogs about chicks who I like to make fun of and who I don't really dig. That's why I've decided to dedicate this post to Chicks I Like: Ten Women in Showbusiness who I find completely lovely.

1. Sandra Bullock

She's witty, self-deprecating, and down-to-earth. She handled an embarrassing public divorce with grace, and rather than seek attention, she lives a quiet life in Austin, Texas with her adorable baby. As far as Academy Award-winning mothers go, I much prefer Sandy over say, Gwyneth Paltrow.

2. Sheryl Crow

She's a prolific musician with a laid-back, no nonsense approach to life. Like Sandy, she also handled a public split with dignity, beat breast cancer and has quietly adopted two really cute little boys who she raises in Nashville. As far as rocker moms go, Sheryl Crow is so much cooler than Melissa Etheridge.

3. Emma Stone

I dig a smart and sassy girl, and Emma has smarts and sass in spades. I think she has a bright career ahead of her, and as far as flame-haired, raspy voiced starlets go, she's a huge improvement over Lindsay Lohan.

4. Shakira

Besides being a star here in America, she's a huge sensation in her native Colombia. The things she can do with her hips are extraordinary, but have you listened to her talk in an interview? I was not prepared for how thoughtful, intelligent and well-prepared she was to speak about the charity she was working to raise awareness for. This woman really has her shit together. Sofia Vergara could learn a thing or two from Shakira.

5. Kelly Osbourne

Five years ago, I never thought Kelly would land on a list like this. She is a shining example that if you don't like the life you're living, you can turn it around and make a whole new life for yourself. She used to be fat. Now she's not. She used to be a horrid dresser with weird hair. Now she's not. She used to be a drug addict. Now she's not. She hosts a show called Fashion Police, where she makes the most astute, thoughtful observations of any member of the panel. In terms of musician daughters-turned-fashionistas, I'd much rather spend a day with Kelly over Nicole Richie. It ain't even close.

6. Julianne Moore

She's a redhead, she's extremely talented, she doesn't crave attention or have an agenda she wants to cram down our throats. She's a gorgeous actress with a beautiful family, and the poster child for sunscreen. Basically she's my hero. People should be blindly worshiping Julianne instead of Angelina Jolie.

7. Rachel McAdams

I hope Rachel's career spans decades. She's so lovely and talented, what more can I say about her? I couldn't even hate her when she was dating my boyfriend, Ryan Gosling. I'd much rather see a film starring Rachel than Claire Danes.

8. Lauren Conrad

There are about ten reasons why this chick should bug the piss out of me, but she just doesn't. I like her, I think she has great style, and I respect the way she used two silly reality shows as a launching pad for this amazingly successful career she has created for herself. It's like carving a masterpiece out of a hunk of Spam. It's like playing a symphony on a ukulele, it's like writing a work of literary genius on a cardboard box. You get where I'm going. Even if none of it was her idea, she still managed to surround herself with smart business people and not screw it up, which means she must be kinda smart. She's no Kardashian, that's for sure.

9. Mila Kunis

I have maintained for years that if I could look exactly like a celebrity, it would be Mila Kunis. She is just drop-dead gorgeous, and tiny, and adorable. It helps that she comes across as bright, relaxed, and unpretentious. I just really dig this chick and I'm glad her star is rising. Compared to other sexy starlets like Scarlett Johansson, I much prefer Mila.

10. Elizabeth Banks

In addition to having appeared in some of the funniest films and TV series of the past decade, Elizabeth Banks seems like a Good Time Sally who is down for having some fun. She's gorgeous, but doesn't seem to take herself too seriously, and doesn't seem to be trying too hard to be the hot, funny chick. She could teach Jenny McCarthy a thing or two.

Honorable Mentions: Amy Sedaris, Catherine Keener, Annette Bening, Jane Lynch, Sarah Chalke, Kristin Davis, Jennie Garth, Toni Collette, Edie Falco, Laura Linney, Keri Russell, Maya Rudolph, Rashida Jones

See, I like lots of people!

Edit: How on earth did I forget Amy Adams?! Love her. Consider her on my list...and Amy Poehler.

Us Weekly as Crystal Ball

Ok, so I've been an Us Weekly subscriber since I was 22. I'm now 29. Initially, it was my Wall Street Journal and New York Times and CNN all rolled into one (sad, I know.) I considered it to be a reliable source for the news that really mattered to me. I read every article, snippet and caption, from cover to cover. Over time, it became junk food for my brain, just easy fun--nothing serious. I skipped articles I didn't care about (anything about the Jonas Brothers) and would often just skim the articles and look at the pictures. Then, I became a mom, and two things happened:

1. I became so busy, I began to have a backlog of magazines to catch-up on, meaning I was not the most well-informed celebrity gossip follower.

2. I began to see the magazine for what it truly is: a vehicle for Hollywood publicists to push their agendas and their versions of stories onto the readers. They use the mag to help squash unflattering rumors and plant the seed for rumors that will make their clients more popular. Most commonly, we see publicity stunt relationships (Kim Kardashian and Gabriel Aubry, every relationship Taylor Swift has ever had) and damage control to prevent celebrities' personal lives from negatively impacting their latest project.

Example: Yesterday I was reading the Us Weekly from nearly two weeks ago (as I said, I'm falling behind) and I saw a little blurb in the "Love Notes" section about a very amorous night at a party with married couple Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds. "They couldn't keep their hands off one another!" it reads. Something about that just didn't ring true for me. I love my husband of nearly five years, yet we can totally keep our hands off each other at a party...in fact, all of my friends who are in loving, committed relationships manage to spend time together without launching into PDA. This led me to one conclusion:

I said, "Oh noooo! Yo' marriage is in danger, girl!" I've learned through years of reading these little articles that, if your publicist feels the need to plant an item in a tabloid to announce to millions of readers that you kissed your wife at a party, it means your marriage is not long for this world.



So this afternoon I was reading my favorite celebrity gossip blog, DListed. Blogger Michael K published a statement from Ryan or Scarlett's publicist (via Us Weekly--obviously) stating that Ryan and Scarlett have decided to end their two year marriage. Mmm hmm. Sometimes, sometimes ol' Sammy knows what she's talking about.

If you learn to spot the signs, you can read the subtext of these gossip rags, which is much more interesting and truthful than the magazine itself. You can learn which photo-ops are staged and why, whose relationship is really a publicity stunt, which starlet is acting as a beard to which young closeted gay hearthrob, who's about to get divorced, go to rehab, etc. I may have a gift for this. How disappointing.

Happy B'day, Brit-Brit!

I hope everybody takes a moment today to send "Happy Birthday" vibes to my favorite pop star in the world, Britney Jean Spears. She's 29 today, y'all! Cheetos and Frappuccinos for everybody!

Crazy in Love

I'm all set to whip up a post as whimsical as one of Kate Middleton's hats to announce that, after the mass marriage casualties of last month, love is in the air once again. I wish I had a trumpet. It would add more pomp and circumstance to the festivities. Quickly now, I haven't got all day:

Kate Middleton is engaged to Prince William

If Charlotte from Sex and the City were here, she'd scream and then loudly announce to a room full of strangers, "I'm so sorry everyone, but this is my friend and she just got engaged. And she has been going out with the man for nine years!" [holds up nine fingers] Then everyone in the restaurant would applaud and Kate would hide her face and say "I'm mortified!" Nevertheless, she deserves a round of applause and a tip of the feathered hat.

Vanessa Minillo is engaged to Nick Lachey

Professional vacationers and part-time hosts of awful reality competition shows Nick and Vanessa are gettin' hitched. After hearing that Jessica Simpson snidely remarked recently that "I hope Vanessa likes her clothes because I bought them for her" (meow) it begs the question: Did Jessica pay for the ring?

Jessica Simpson is engaged to Eric Johnson
Not to be outdone, Jessica proved she ain't no Jennifer Aniston and nabbed herself a fiance, too. Take that, Nick! I'm sure her people [Joe Simpson] will insist the timing is purely coincidental. Based on her new engagement ring, I hope this was hasty. I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking. Jessica's engagement ring from Nick Lachey:

Jessica's engagement ring from Eric Johnson:

Not for nothin', but if I were her I'd just put on the first ring. I mean, she probably paid for it anyway. She can be all like, "Shuuut up! It's mah rang an' I wearrr it if I wannaaa!" And then Tina Simpson would say, "Jessica, stop talking into your margarita glass." Then Jessica would say, "But I like the way it makes my voice echo! Echo! Echo! I need a refill." Then she would belch. Then giggle. Then be like, "Wait, what were we talking about?" [eats a spoonful of guacamole] At that point, Joe tells Jessica that her signature is required for a refill, as he casually slides over a pre-nup, which Jess signs, smearing queso all over it in the process. Shrewd move, Papa Joe.
Dean Sheremet is engaged to a woman

Thanks to LeAnn Rimes for Twittering the joyous news across the world. All good news comes from LeAnn's Twitter, don't cha know? In other news, as soon as I finish this blog post I'll be returning my Gaydar to Sharper Image. Glad it's still under warranty. Sidenote: what is up with people wearing these unflattering glasses? It's like she said to herself "Ehh, I'm like, a 7, and I think I wanna be a 4, just to see how the other half lives." I'm either too vain or I don't take myself seriously enough to ever don such eyewear. Or both. One thing's for certain: if she's gonna wear those glasses, she needs to step up her brow game. Enter Dean: "Who's up for eyebrow shaping and mojitos?"

Mama and Papa Spears rekindled the spark

They divorced eight years ago, but have been seen canoodling (stop it, I just really wanted to say "canoodling") and they went out to the club and they danced to one of Britney Jean's songs, y'all! It's so sweet! Sorry--your parents are still never getting back together. Time to let it go.

Tina Knowles and Mathew Knowles press "Pause" on their divorce proceedings

Tina may have let Mathew back inside her House of Dereon. Good for her if that's the case. It takes a big woman to overlook a secret love child. I wasn't sure I'd ever have the opportunity to use the phrase "secret love child" in a sentence.


Photo credits: stupidcelebrites.net, dlisted.com