Thursday, September 2, 2010

Commercial Failure

Flo from Progressive and the Old Spice Guy really need to school some folks on how this commercial thing is done. I'm seeing some awful stuff lately.

The Brown Hand Center

"Daddy's Baby Guuuuhl!" This commercial for Dr. Brown's patented, world-renowned endoscopic carpal tunnel surgery has been creeping out the citizens of Texas for a while now. It's time you all be weirded out. This is just a clip of the commercial's ending. It airs at least 20 times a day in Dallas. Dr. Brown doesn't even have a license to practice medicine, ever since he tested postive for cocaine. See the beautiful brunette? That's his fourth wife, and he was arrested last week for beating her...again. The good doctor twisted her arm behind her back, as if to break it. Kind of gives new meaning to The Brown Hand Center's slogan: "The Brown Hand Center will care for you, just as I care for my own family." The hell you will!


It's a commercial within a commercial, and they're both terrible. The song, the animation, the homely girl who claims to "love" the commercial within the commercial, yet knows so little about the product that she asks her friend, "Don't you have to, uh, put it in?" Umm, I don't know a better way to say this, but if you're not comfortable with the idea of inserting something in your bajengo, you probably don't need birth control in the first place. You're not ready for sex. Then there's the sassy brunette who is all too eager to discuss NuvaRing at length with her ignorant friends. The way she's smiling with her eyes (Tyra calls it "smizing") it's as if she's been waiting for the conversation to turn to sex and this is her opener. She says it's easy for her to put it in. Nice.

Werther's Original Caramel Chocolates

The woman in this commercial is so...pathetic. She is describing this candy with the kind of detail and enthusiasm most women reserve for describing their dream wedding. This commercial is missing a few details that would have really made this woman a more fully developed character: a giant crocheted doily for her sofa, a Harlequin romance novel on her coffee table, a Cathy comic on the refrigerator, and about seven or eight cats. And lose the wedding rings! This chick is so single.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

(This is not the crappy present-day commercial, this is the vintage, circa 1987 commercial. Back when they really knew how to sell cereal.)
What happened to the cartoon bakers (Wendell was my favorite)? Why is General Mills marketing this cereal to adults? Why is this woman sitting alone in her living room, eating a bowl of cereal, and earnestly describing for her dog how much she loves this cereal? If it's so important to her to convey her love for Cinnamon Toast Crunch to her dog, why doesn't she just give him a bite so he can taste the cinnamon sugary goodness for himself? When she says, "Y'know when I tickle your belly and you get that feeling of ohhhh yeeeeahhh" to describe how the cereal makes her feel, it makes me uncomfortable. She and Cinnamon Toast Crunch need to get a room. Yeah, this is the dog. He's embarrassed too.

Folgers Coffee

This commercial confounds me. This woman (and I say "woman" because she looks like she's at least 30) walks into the kitchen, and her dad comments that she was out awfully late last night. Does this spinster have a curfew? She reminds him that she's not 16 (as if the presence of crow's feet on her face didn't tell us that already) and that he won't have to worry about that anymore because she's engaged. So, she was out late with her boyfriend fiance celebrating her engagement...wonder what they were doing out so late (Spoiler alert: she was giving him her "flower"). Then he says he knew she was getting engaged because the boyfriend already asked for his permission to marry her. Well, if he knew she was out getting engaged, why is he giving her shit? And why can't he just congratulate her? Why does he have to steal her "I'm engaged!" thunder by casually replying like, "Yeah, I knew that already". What a jerk. And your coffee tastes terrible. The only commercial they should ever air is the one where Peter comes home for Christmas.


This doctor bugs me. For me to speak in such a robotic monotone would require horse tranquilizers.

Here are commercials done right. I have nothing to add, they're just hilarious:

1. Geico

Did this little piggy go, "wee wee wee" all the way home?

2. Allstate

Mayhem is coming

3. Kotex

"Ohhhh, that's what's supposed to happen."

1 comment:

  1. Hey Samantha! I've never commented before, but your blog is one of my favorites to read and with this post I just had to offer my 2 cents. :)

    I have one that I would like to add to the list. I can't think of the name of the drug right now, but it is the anti-depression medicine that features the "wind-up" dolls. CREEPY.

    Also, I have to add that I love the Kotex commercials. Not because they are effective and make me want to buy their products, but because they are hysterical to me. Especially the "racially ambiguous...don't all these angles make me seem dynamic?" one, haha!

    Anyway, hope you are doing well and congratulations on the little one!