Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Go Shorty, It's Your Due Date

Steve says I need to work on my time management skills. The baby's room isn't ready, my bag for the hospital isn't packed, and the car seat has yet to be purchased or installed, but I did research online to see which celebrities Robinson would share a birthday with if he arrives on his due date of July 17. I think I just helped Steve prove his point.

July 17 isn't a big day for celebrity birthdays, but the few that I found were significant to our family. One is Phyllis Diller. Phyllis is an actress and comedienne who is older than Joan Rivers and twice as crazy looking. "Phyllis Diller" is also Steve's nickname for Laney's tail.

Laney's tail is its own separate entity and the subject of ridicule. It looks like the plume on a Roman helmet...or Phyllis Diller's hair. Laney is very graceful and delicate and can easily maneuver through the home or car without interrupting people, but Phyllis Diller is prone to cause a disturbance. If you're eating in the living room and Laney walks by, you better watch out for Phyllis Diller--she could really eff-up your hot fudge sundae. If you're lying in bed watching TV, Phyllis Diller might smack you in the face. If you're painting a room in your house, you can guarantee that Phyllis Diller is gonna get all up in that. She's a real pain in the ass. Jarred was so incensed by the sight of it when she was a puppy that he routinely snatched her up when I wasn't looking and would give her tail a hasty haircut.

Me: Hey, Jarred?
Jarred: Yeah
Me: I saw what you did to Laney's tail.
Jarred: You're welcome.
Me: You hack her tail to shit again and I'll shave your eyebrows while you're sleeping.
Jarred: And I, in turn, will shave your eyebrows while you're sleeping.

Turnabout is fair play. Not wanting to engage in eyebrow warfare, I backed off--but just to be sure he'd never mangle Laney's tail again, I tattled to Mom that he'd done the job with her kitchen shears. She wasn't pleased. How old was I? 23.

The other celeb born on July 17 is David Hasselhoff. The expression "Don't Hassel the Hoff" is part of the vernacular in our household. Loosely translated, it means "you are foolish to doubt me" and is an appropriate substitute for the following phrases:

1. Respect my authority
2. You better recognize
3. Check yourself before you wreck yourself

Steve: Do you know who Sam Ito is?
Me: Nope.
Steve: Pfft.
Me: Are you talking about Judge Ito from the OJ trial?
Steve: Yeah.
Me: His name isn't Sam.
Steve: Yeah it is. How do you know?
Me: I watched The Trial of the Century, and I think I would remember if I shared a first name with the judge.
Steve: You were a kid then.
Me: Mind like a steel trap, baby [clamping my hands shut to illustrate my point]
Steve: [typing in his phone, presumably checking whether I'm correct] You wanna bet?
Me: I'll take that bet. And by the way, his name is Lance.
Steve: [Glances up from his phone skeptically] Ok.
Me: [Passing my phone's Google search results] Wikipedia entry for Judge Lance Ito. Boom. Don't Hassel the Hoff.

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