Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Worst Movies of the Past Decade

I should specify, these are the worst movies I've seen in the past decade. I don't make it a habit of viewing garbage, so my list is missing a lot of the titles you'll find on the movie critics' "worst films" compilations. Noticeably absent from my list: I Know Who Killed Me, Gigli, Battlefield Earth, The Hottie and the Nottie, any movie with the word "Movie" in the title, and any Eddie Murphy film. Unless you review movies for a living or possess a blind devotion to the stars of the more obviously awful movies, seeing these notorious stinkers is the cinematic equivalent of "Eww, take a bite of this sandwich, it's nasty." Really? Why would I do that? I wouldn't. But, I have managed to see some real crap anyway. Here's the rundown:

Marie Antoinette
This movie cost me my movie selection privileges with my husband, because it came at the end of a long string of whopping awful movies I had chosen for us to see. I admire Sofia Copolla's work, especially The Virgin Suicides, and I thought that a historical movie in her style of filmmaking was sure to be spectacular. Admittedly, it is a visually beautiful film, but I felt cheated out of the plot and storyline I was expecting. There's no guillotine, just lots and lots of cake.

When Steve and I were dating, we saw movies all the time. When you're part of a couple who sees movies regularly, you eventually run out of movies to see. It becomes more about going on a date with your boyfriend than actually seeing a decent movie. And that's the story of how we decided to buy two tickets to Heartbreakers. We've seen a lot of crappy movies together, but this is the only one we've ever walked out of. We still laugh about that to this day when we watch movies. We say things like, "Oh, that movie wasn't great, but it wasn't Heartbreakers bad!" I'm afraid we aren't alone in that sentiment, which is why I can't recall seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt on the big screen ever since. Ray Liotta disappointed me most of all. How could Henry Hill lead me so far astray?

Because I Said So
This movie is the cinematic equivalent of pineapple upside down cake. I like pineapple [juice, mixed with gin], I like being upside down, and everyone knows I adore cake. But...I really don't like pineapple upside down cake. Because I Said So is a romantic comedy that combines Mandy Moore (love her) with Diane Keaton (love, love her) and love interests Gabriel Macht and Tom Everett Scott (adorable boys!) How could that get screwed up? Diane Keaton portrays the most grating, meddling, nagging, unaware character since Bill Murray's What About Bob?, repeating the title of the film over, and over, and over and over and over. I wanted to walk out of this too, but it stopped just short of being Heartbreakers-bad. As a result of viewing this film in it's entirety, I refused to see the Mandy Moore/John Krasinski film License to Wed, after reading reviews indicating that Robin Williams' character was perhaps even more irritating than Diane Keaton's in Because I Said So. Mandy, when choosing your next film, I am happy to read the script for you and tell you if it's gonna make people want to stab themselves. I will offer my services free of charge. I'd consider it community service. xoxo

Ok, I knew that this vanity project for Britney Spears was going to be just rotten. It's the cinematic equivalent [yeah, I'm full of analogies today] of a rich little girl stomping her foot and saying "Daddy, I want a pony!" and that pony magically appearing. It's not a blue ribbon pony, not by any means. In fact, it might be a mule. At any rate, that's what I think of this movie. We all knew this movie would suck, but as Britney fans we didn't care. We just had to see it, in the same way we can't pass up the opportunity to pop a zit. Sidenote: what happened to Taryn Manning? Even Steve noticed that she played the pseudo-skanky sidekick in every film of the last decade (and I liked it). We need more of her.

Ever had your heart set on renting a movie at Blockbuster, but everybody else got there before you and rented all the good movies? Yes you have, that's why Blockbuster is going under and you're signed up for Netflix. Anywho, I faced those exact circumstances, which is how I came to rent Monster-in-Law. I roll my eyes when I think of what a diva Jennifer Lopez is, but I liked her in The Wedding Planner, so I thought I'd give her another try. If they showed this movie to prisoners in Guantanamo Bay it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Over Her Dead Body

I have to ask: what movie didn't get made so that this movie could get the green light? Seriously, what movie was being considered by the studios, but the producers said, "No, let's make Over Her Dead Body instead. It's brilliant!" I have to believe people lost their jobs over this.

The Sweetest Thing
I think this movie billed itself as American Pie for chicks. I love American  Pie, and I love chicks, but if the great American female buddy comedy requires maggots, exploding toilets and excessive inclusion of bodily fluids, I'll speak on behalf of women everywhere and say "No thank you." This movie is disgusting and not at all funny.

Just Married
Just Married? How about just not? This movie was even more annoying than the celebrity couple it spawned while the actors did publicity for this movie. I have a soft spot for Brittany Murphy, but Ashton Kutcher bugs me so much, I wouldn't even want him to valet my car.

Love Happens
As the title promises, love happens...but I suspect it would happen a lot less often if it were as much of a drudgery as watching this box office bomb. I only watched it because I was in the hospital after Robinson was born and there was nothing else on TV. I suppose I could have just turned the TV off, but the movie actually helped me fall asleep. I guess it has some redeeming value.

The Stepford Wives
This movie is as bad as Nicole Kidman's Botox. I should have known this when I purchased The Stepford Wives from the $3.00 used DVD bin at Blockbuster because it was cheaper to purchase it than to rent it.

Sweet November
Keanu is an arrogant, intense career man. Charlize is a quirky wild woman who invites him to spend November with her when he is fired from his job. It's funny, right? WRONG! As she is teaching him the fine art of finding his inner child (this is a service she provides to men on a one-month basis) we discover Charlize has a secret. Spoiler: She's dying. There, now you know how it ends and don't have to see this awful slop. You can send me a muffin basket to say "thanks".

The Lake House
It's a love story about a man and a woman who live in the same lake house two years apart and fall in love through letter-writing correspondence with the use of a magical mailbox that transports these letters back and forth through time: between the years 2006 and 2008. Yeah, there's no way this movie could be good. I was instantly intrigued and determined to find out 1. How in the hell do they do that? 2. Why make a movie involving time travel that travels such a short distance through time? Most time travel movies [and by "most" I mean the Back to the Future movies] travel at least one generation in time. And 3. Who writes letters anymore? I had to find out what happens to Sandra and Keanu. I'll tell you the same thing my mom told me about My Girl when I was nine: "He dies in the end."  Ugh.

Georgia Rule
This film was made early in the Lindsay Lohan Tour of Self-Destruction. Dina Lohan firmly established her pattern of delusion by insisting that nothing was the matter with Lindsay and that she could win the Oscar for her role in Georgia Rule. Pfft. Jane Fonda uses the line "Georgia Rule" early and often, just as Diane Keaton did with "Because I said so!" Jane plays Lindsay's grandmother, Georgia. Georgia has rules, you see. She is one tough cookie, and she doesn't take kindly to people who break her rules. What are some of Georgia's rules, you ask? Here are just a few of the rules that make Lindsay Lohan's character go, "Ugh, no wonder Mom hates you."
  1. We eat at six. Georgia Rule.
  2. We wash our dishes. Georgia Rule.
  3. Aces are low. Georgia Rule. 
  4. Don't take the Lord's name in vain. Georgia Rule. 
  5. You live here, you work. Georgia Rule. 
  6. No physical fighting in the front yard in front of the neighbors. Georgia Rule.
Umm, I don't mean to rain on your sassy parade, but aren't these pretty much everybody's rules?

all photos via All Movie Photo


  1. I agree with MOST of these but I love Because I Said So (I guess I am a sucker for cheesy movies with people I love - don't forget Lauren Graham and the girl from Coyote Ugly are also in this movie). I also loved Just Married - made me laugh so hard! Other than those two I pretty much agree with most of these but some I don't think I hate as much as you did.

  2. @Sarah Beth: You've got a friend in Steve. He didn't hate Just Married or Because I Said So either. And he loves him some Lauren Graham and Piper Perabo. Except he calls her "Peekabo" because he can't remember her name!