Thursday, December 8, 2011

Misty Doesn't Know

In this season of hope and charity, I hesitate to report this sad news, but I've put it off for long enough:

Misty got fired, y'all!

Let me rewind a click for those who need to be brought up to speed. The Methadone Scarecrow, a.k.a. Misty, was my brother's co-worker for two or three years. She sat at a desk near my brother, and her propensity to overshare, her habit of jabbering incessantly, her absence of a filter, complete lack of inhibition or shame, and her eagerness to share her usually misguided and uninformed opinions was the stuff of frustration for my brother. Wisely, Jarred realized a long time ago that if he couldn't find a way to laugh at Misty, he might go insane. Thus, the Misty emails began. Jarred would type up their daily dialogue and forward it to a few folks, much to my delight. I laughed. I cried. I wet my pants a little. A little.

As I began writing this blog last year, I thought that my friends reading might enjoy Misty as much as I do. Folks seemed to respond to the posts, and I since I sometimes need extra blogging material, periodically I would update readers with Misty's latest ramblings. Still need a memory refresher? Click here to meet Misty. And here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And one of my favorites.

To those who asked: No, Misty doesn't know that I blog about her, and now that she's been canned, and I expect she'll never know. To those who wonder why Misty got fired: Come on. Haven't we been secretly wondering this whole time how she managed to keep her job this long? I know I asked myself that question. I asked Jarred. He shrugged.

Now, I am left with two options with how to distribute what remains of my as-yet-unpublished "Misty correspondence". I mean, it's not her best material, I pretty much posted all the good stuff, but I feel like I have to put it all out there. Do I roll it all out in this post, which has already gotten a little long, or do I publish part of it today, and the remainder at a to-be-determined date in the future? What? What's that you said? Save some for later? Ok! Here's a Misty Snippet for your afternoon. Savor it.

Misty:  Did you hear the government banned light bulbs?
Jarred: Get out of here!
Misty:  No really, they couldn't stop the block on the ban of the bulbs

Jarred: What?
Misty:  I mean they didn't ban the block...the banning of the bulbs

Jarred: Use your words
Misty:  Crap let me look it up, they did something