I Thought I'd Care More: The Royal Wedding

Have you set your alarm for 2:55AM, so you have time to don a tiara, slip into your 'It Should Have Been Me!' t shirt and serve tea and scones on your Royal Wedding commemorative china before national coverage begins at 3:00AM sharp?

No? Is that because you're American, or because you have more pressing matters to attend to? I will be setting my DVR to record the wedding coverage, but I hope to be asleep when the celebration begins. I like Will and Kate, and I wish them the best, but I'm ready for this round-the-clock wedding coverage to be over. Because once it's over, journalists, celebrites, and talk show hosts will stop joking that their invitation got lost in the mail, right? I mean, it's a funny, funny joke, but all good things must come to an end, yes?

I don't mean to sound like a Bitter Betty, but the constant Royal Wedding coverage is wearing me out. Ok, for starters, I just realized that I unconsciously capitalized "Royal Wedding" like it's a proper name or a national holiday. That speaks volumes. Secondly, my loyalty as an American makes me question whether there is an appropriate level of curiosity, fascination, and obsession when it comes to the nuptials of another nation's monarch, and whether the American media has surpassed that appropriate level.

Of course I like the Brits and their customs, traditions, and all things British. I think Brits are good chaps. I rather enjoy a pint with my fish and chips. I like those WWII Keep Calm and Carry On posters.

I think the Union Jack is pretty cool.

I'm a fan of Sir Elton John. It doesn't change the fact that I'm not British, and it seems a little strange to be overly obsessed with the royal wedding. Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow are Americans who love Britain so much that they live there and clearly prefer it. And we Americans respond so well to that. It's bollocks is what it is! I don't want to be that girl. I don't mean to slag off on Madge and Gwynnie, but American girls who openly wish they are British are wankers in this humble blogger's opinion. America!

Maybe I would care more if the media wasn't trying so hard to make me care. It's the rebellious teenager in me that wants to rail against convention. They are cramming this wedding business so far down my throat that I'm choking on it as I run away from it. It's taken all the fun out, is what it's done. Yesterday Kathie Lee and Hoda were quizzing people on Royal Wedding trivia. I was listening while unloading the dishwasher, and I knew the answer to every single question. Despite my efforts to avoid this topic, Royal Wedding coverage has been so omnipresent over the past months that I've learned all this crap through osmosis. I shouldn't know how long Princess Diana's train was on her wedding dress. But I do. 25 feet.

I would classify my initial level of interest in this wedding as mild, but sincere. I like Will and Kate. They're a lovely couple. I'm happy for them. I love weddings, and I love wedding fashion. I'm looking forward to seeing Kate's dress, but that doesn't mean I wanted to spend the last five months listening to journalists attempt to analyze and predict every aspect of Kate's wedding day look ad nauseum. What's wrong with being surprised? She's going to look beautiful. Why do we have to pontificate about Kate's wedding day hair? Up or down? Let's imagine the possibilities!

I've also reached my limit on "How to live like royalty" specials. I'm not sure what's worse, endless news segments teaching me how to be as chic and elegant as Kate Middleton, or endless news specials that recount Kate and Will's courtship in painstaking detail. I'm so tired of hearing about how dazzled Will was by the sight of Kate in this dress:

The thing I take away from all of this is: if you wear see-through clothes, guys will notice you. Uhh, duh. How do you think I nabbed Steve?

Why Do I Know This?

I have a slight reputation for being kind of good at pop culture trivia. This semi-talent doesn't win me money or fame, but I have garnered a modest level of notoriety in various social circles and have won a few free pitchers of Natural Light in college. I know. I'm feeling boastful today.

Sometimes a person will ask a question that is pop culture-related, often to nobody in particular, and I find myself blurting out the answer the way my baby burps up formula. It's an involuntary response, and sometimes I even surprise myself with the truly random tidbits of knowledge rolling around in my brain. Here are just a few examples. You may not think they're that remarkable, and you can feel free to tell me so. But remember this: Each example I'm about to list occured within the last seven days. I'm on fire.

1. At dinner last Tuesday to celebrate our friend Bean's promotion, Brad jokingly called Bean "Mr. Bean". Then somebody at the table asked nobody in particular the name of the British actor who portrays the character Mr. Bean.

After racking my brain for a half-second (just as I do when trying to remember my 12-times tables), I blurt out "Rowan Atkinson". Everyone within earshot just stares at me.

Why do I know this?

2. While waiting in the doctor's office on Thursday afternoon, I receive a text message from Steve: "Scarlett Johansson dead...she fell onset at a movie shoot in France 70 feet".

What the what? I only had time to fire off an "Are you sure?" reply before being whisked away for an x-ray. While I'm standing in the x-ray machine, I'm considering this possibility. First of all, I have a healthy level of skepticism whenever my husband is the first person to break a piece of major celebrity news. In 2008, he called me at work, breathless, to announce that Jessica Biel was tragically killed when she fell off a yacht in international waters. I seriously don't know what that man is looking at on the Internet,  but he apparently likes to visit web sites that erroneously report the untimely, accidental death of celebrities with famous figures and questionable acting ability who are travelling abroad. AccidentalDeathOfCelebritiesWithFamousFiguresAndQuestionableActingAbility...I wonder if that domain name is taken? That would be a great website. Anyway, I don't believe Steve. Also, I don't think she's even in France. This is what I said to Steve when I finally got to call him:

"I think you're wrong about ScarJo. She was photographed by paparazzi jogging in Malibu with Owen Wilson and Sean Penn just a couple days ago."

Why do I know this?

These pictures caused a huge stir because people thought Scarlett looked pregnant. Boy, I'm so glad that I'm not famous enough for paparazzi to take my picture while I'm jogging. Those would be some unflattering photos! Oh, who am I kidding? I don't jog.

3. While lounging on the couch and flipping through channels on Sunday, Steve poses this question: "Is it bad that I think Lois Griffin is hot?

Me: No. She is hot. ["Us redheads gotta stick together," I think to myself]
Steve: Yeah. I think so, too.
Me: That's random. What made you think of that?
Steve: [points at TV, showing an episode of That 70's Show.] The mom on this show is the voice of Lois Griffin.

Me: No. She isn't.
Steve: [very firmly] Yes, she is.
Me: That's not right.
Steve: Yes it is!
Me: [sigh] Debra Jo Rupp plays Kitty on That 70's Show. Alex Borstein is the voice of Lois Griffin.
Steve: Oh, yeah right. Like the voice of Lois Griffin is a guy! [Shakes his head and laughs, like I'm so dumb and he's so smart]
Steve: Alex can be a girl's name. Like Alexandra.
Steve: Oh yeah. Well, are you sure she's not the voice of Lois?
Me: Uh, yeah.

Why do I know this?

Sidenote: Mila Kunis, who plays Jackie on That 70's Show is the voice of Lois Griffin's daughter Meg on Family Guy. But you knew that, right? That's an easy one.

4. Later on Sunday night, Steve is flipping back and forth between a baseball game and The Wizard of Oz, which is airing on cable.

Steve: Do you know who Judy Garland's mom is?
Me: Um, no...Judy Garland's real name is Frances Gumm, and her parents were Vaudeville performers. But I don't know her name.
Steve: Oh. I'm sorry, I meant to ask if you know who Judy Garland's daughter is.
Me: Oh. Yeah. Liza Minelli. You know that. Why are you even quizzing me?

Why do I know this? (Not the part about Liza, of course. The whole Frances Gumm-Vaudeville thing).

So, yeah. That's all for today. The moral of this story is: in the absence of Google or any other search engine, there's a possibility that I can answer your obscure pop culture trivia question. I'm adding that skill to my resume as soon I finish typing this.

Sad Day: Bravo TV Shooting Reality Show in Dallas--Without Me

Damn. Since 2006, I've been waiting for the press release that Bravo is expanding their Real Housewives franchise to Dallas. You know, so that I can attend the casting call. How fun would it be for a camera crew to follow me around my palacial 1,800 square foot home and hob-nobbing with my glamorous friends? Could you imagine seeing film footage of me, cleaning my oven while watching Grey's Anatomy reruns on DVR? That's some pretty riveting shit, I tell you. I mean, I'm Real. I'm a Housewife. I'm exactly what they're looking for, right?

Whomp, whomp.

So, the good news is that Bravo TV, my favorite channel (previous reports that I live for the E! Network have been greatly exaggerated) that is known for shining the spotlight on real people in cities all over the country, is finally paying some attention to a greatly overlooked city: my (new-ish) hometown of Dallas. The bad news is, instead of spotlighting Real Housewives, they are producing a show entitled Dallas' Most Eligible, which focuses on hot young singles in the city. I should tell you how I learned of this fascinating news, so allow me to rewind a few clicks:

I wake up every morning at or about 6:40 AM. For no reason whatsoever. I am of the belief that nothing good happens at 6:40 AM, so I change the channel to NBC (so that the Today show is waiting for me whenever I begrudgingly agree that morning is upon me and I am forced to greet the day) and I lie in bed, face down, eyes tightly shut, spooning whichever dog has hopped onto Steve's side of the bed, and I try to will myself back to sleep. Sometimes I catch another hour of shut-eye. Sometimes I'm just lying there in a half-stupor. You're probably brushing your teeth and getting ready for work at that time. It's ok, you can be annoyed with me. I deserve it.

On this particular day, I'm snuggling Laney, trying to catch a few more zzz's while Steve gets ready for work. When the local NBC news anchors start talking about Bravo TV coming to Dallas, my and Laney's ears perk up (she is also a fan). They explain that the network is in town filming this new series about hot young singles in Dallas, and then they go to Reporter Babe on the scene--even though she's on the scene of a completely unrelated, actual news story.

Reporter Babe is a reporter whose name I don't know, but I always see her on the air in the wee hours of the morning, usually wearing a reflective safety vest while reporting from the side of the road, and no matter what time it is, she is always boasting expertly-applied eyeliner, premium hair products, and optimal hair "poof". She's your basic beautiful nightmare.

So, the anchors, who are unusually aflutter over news of a reality show filming in our city ("Big whoop", I say, TLC filmed a reality show in Dothan, Alabama. Why wouldn't Dallas have a show?) and so they cut to Reporter Babe who is standing on the side of the road in a reflective safety vest with impeccable hair and makeup, and they ask her if she knows anybody who is being featured on this new show.

Blogger's Note: When reading this, you should know that Reporter Babe, who usually speaks with perfect diction, inexplicably transitions to Valley Girl when the subject turns from "real news" to her personal life. She begins drawing out her words and her consonants. The transcript will reflect this shift. Also worth noting: Anchor Woman goes from being a credible, professional news anchor to acting like an excited school girl, thrilled to be discussing the latest gossip with the school's most popular girl while in the cafeteria. It was surreal.

Anchor Woman: So! Do you know anybody on the new Dallas' Most Eligible?
Reporter Babe: Yeah. I pretty much know alll the people on the showww. Actuallyy, I was approached to be on the showww, but I thought it would be a conflict of interestttt.
Anchor Woman: Wow! You know them? So does anything exciting happen?
Reporter Babe: Well, I was with them for a lottt of the shootingg, and I have to sayyy, it gets prettyy dramatic.
Anchor Woman: So they're pretty interesting people, huh?
Reporter Babe: Uhh, yeahhh, they're all my friendsss.

Steve has paused his morning routine to walk back into the bedroom to watch this breaking story unfold.

Steve: Is she serious?
Me: I had to open my eyes, just so I could roll them. [face smacks back into the pillow]
Steve laughs and makes a wise crack
Me: [face-down in pillow] You didn't know Ashley is a journalist now, did you?
Steve laughs louder. I have a friend named Ashley who speaks fluent Valley Girl. To know her is to love her.

For the rest of the day Steve makes me say (in Valley Girl voice) "Uhhh, yeahhhh, they're my friendssss."

Sooo, will you be watchinggg Dallas' Most Eligible? I knoww I will. Ummm, yeahhhh, they're my friendssss.

Robinson Doesn't Want Smoosh Smoosh

Our friend Bev came over for dinner last week. While we were sipping Sauvignon Blanc and chatting in the kitchen, Robinson was playing quietly in the living room a few feet away. He was being really fussy, but once I gave him my phone to play with, he was happy.

A few minutes later, Steve is bringing in the salmon off the grill. Robinson, who is still sitting on a blanket in the floor with my phone, begins screaming and crying at maximum volume. I look over to see my son, whose face has turned purple with fury, hysterically throw my phone down on the floor with all his might. It was as if the phone had transformed into a killer bee and stung him. Tears are streaming down his face.

"What in the hell is going on?!" said Steve, Bev, and me, collectively.

I run across the room and pick up the phone*, because I hear sound coming from it. This is what is playing on my phone (Rob begins freaking out around the :38 second mark):



So, it turns out that Robinson used his chubby little paws to add the Video Player app to the home screen of my phone. He then opened the Video Player and chose "Snooki Comes to South Park" from a list of videos on the main screen. It also turns out that Snooki offends Robinson's delicate sensibilities. Like mother, like son.

*Only as I'm proofreading this post for the third time do I realize that when my child was screaming in panic, I ran across the room and picked up the phone. Then I picked up the child. Submit this post with my Mother of the Year nomination.

Cam on Letterman

I make no promises that you'll laugh, but here's Cam Newton presenting David Letterman's Top Ten List: Top Ten Things Cam can say now that he's won the Heisman. Spoiler alert: Nowhere on the list does the phrase "Thanks, Dad!" appear.



War Damn, friends.

Natalie Morales is Pretty

Ok, so while Steve is in our bedroom watching the Texas Rangers lose the World Series (I couldn't bear to watch), I was in the living room watching the Sister Wives Special, hosted by NBC's Natalie Morales. It was special indeed, and it turns out that the most "special" person of all...is Natalie Morales herself.

While interviewing Sister Wives patriarch Kody Brown alone on a rooftop, Natalie asks a question that makes me press "pause" on my DVR:

Natalie: You're sort of the--the moon, and they rotate around you. Is that a good way to put it?

No, Natalie. It is not a good way to put it.

Admittedly, I was not much of a science student, but even this question set off my "stupid radar". I attempted to verify my suspicions:

Me: Stayve! (That's how it sounds when I'm yelling)
Steve: Yuh!
Me: Nevermind. I don't wanna yell.
Steve: It's ok!
Me: Ok, so--planets orbit around the sun, right?
Steve: Uh huh.
Me: And moons orbit around planets?
Steve: Yeah, that's right.
Me: Does. Anything. Orbit. Around. The moons?
Steve: Don't think so.
Me: Natalie Morales thinks it does.
Steve: Natalie Morales is a dum-dum.

[I also ask Google. Google says "No."]

[Sigh]. Well, Natalie Morales is pretty. She has that going for her. I've been watching her on the Today show for years. I just love the way this "serious journalist" discusses celebrity gossip with more enthusiasm than she reserves for politics and current events.


The interview of a lifetime!

 I love when she reads the news while wearing a giant statement necklace that is so distracting, I can't pay attention to a damn word she says. I'm just wondering, "Are those semi-precious stones? Is it as heavy as it looks?"


One of her more understated pieces

I love when she covers stories that allow her the opportunity to wear lycra, demonstrate her athletic prowess, display her superior physique, and basically make the story about her.

Natalie doesn't just report the news. Natalie is the news! Like when she's preparing to interview actors on the red carpet at the Golden Globes, she did an entire piece on Today about her experience choosing a dress and getting glammed for the event. If Natalie has to try on a half dozen designer evening gowns and receive compliments from stylists on how super-skinny she is in order to get her story, she's not afraid to put herself out there or go that extra mile. I really admire that about her.

"The question everyone is dying to ask: How gorgeous do I look tonight?"

 One more thing: I love the way she overpronounces any Spanish word, so we can all be reminded what a proud Latina woman she is.

So yeah, if you can't already tell--I'm a big fan.

P.S. In the lengthy process of filming and producing the Sister Wives special, was there not a single cameraman, producer, production assistant, or editor who stopped to say, "Uh, Natalie, nothing orbits around moons." Why does this bug me so much?

What the 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Have Taught Me

Most people are beginning to feel "Real Housewives" burnout. I am not most people. The newest installment, located in Beverly Hills, is intriguing because it features women who possess the kind of wealth that 'Housewives' in the other cities could only dream about. Forget "She by Sheree", we have the Sacramento Kings. Among these six women, there is not one rental home to be evicted from or McMansion in short sale or in danger of foreclosure. I don't really catch the whiff of "new money" with these ladies. Unless one of them loses her ass in a ponzi scheme, these women are probably all set for life.

During commercial breaks from watching these women travel in private jets and struttin' that ass in Christian Louboutin heels, we are shown commercials for Marshall's discount clothing stores. You know, for women who want designer looks at garage sale prices. That's what Bravo thinks of me, the viewer. I'm some bougie wannabe. Whatever, the life I live is dramatically different from the Housewives on TV, and let me tell you: I'm getting an education on how the other half lives. Since you're not watching, let me share what I've learned so far. I'm only three episodes in, so I'm sure I have yet to learn all they have to teach me.

1. Cotton candy cannot be eaten seductively, but that shouldn't stop you from trying
2. An Hermes Birkin bag, which starts at $9000, is the perfect poolside accessory
3. Obnoxiously over-pack for a two-day getaway. Don't look at it as being a sign of flakiness, indecisiveness, or crippling insecurity. You like to be prepared for whatever may arise! You might be feeling pretty skinny today, but you could feel fat by the time you arrive at your destination, so you would need a totally different outfit. Obviously.
4. When ordering a cocktail, you must ask your husband what you want to drink. Not because you're not allowed to make your own choices, but because you never order your own drinks, therefore you don't actually know what you like. "Knowing what you like" is for poor people.
5. Wealthy housewives may have a staff of groundskeepers, pool maintenance workers, maids, and an army of nannies, but that doesn't mean they aren't just as overworked and tired as you. They need "me" time, just as much as you do. Maybe even more so.
6. You can take the dancer out of Club MTV, but you can't take Club MTV out of the dancer.
7. A "Real Housewife" employs a large staff to perform any and all household duties, with one exception: she packs her husband's suitcase. It shows him that she cares, and her brief conversation regarding the number of pairs of slacks he needs to take is probably the only face-to-face interaction they'll have this month.
8. There is only one way to properly greet people: airkisses for everyone!

Audrina Patridge's Mom is an Exquisite Lady

I was really rooting for Audrina Patridge on Dancing with the Stars. But not enough to bother to vote...and apparently nobody else bothered, because she was eliminated on Tuesday. In case you're not watching--the rhythmically challenged Bristol Palin is still on the show. Sidenote: I may be stereotyping, but as a teen mother, I expected Bristol to be a little more...I dunno...sexy. She's really not. Bless her heart.

Any-cha-cha, after the elimination show, "celebrity photojournalists" from Hollywood.tv caught up with Audrina's mom Lynn squatting outside Eva Longoria's restaurant, Beso, smoking a cigarette and sipping what I would calculate to be her seventh or eighth glass of wine. I'm so not interested in paparazzi-filmed videos of celebrities out on the town, but I was a little curious what Lynn Patridge looked like, and her face was obscured by the "Play" button on the video. I watched the full five minutes, and left feeling like:

A: Dina Lohan has some stiff competition
B: Audrina is miraculously classy and well-adjusted

If you hang on, you can listen to Audrina's mom hurl slurred, profanity-laced insults at Lauren Conrad's "pissy-ant little fashion shit" and the "Hills Tramps". At one point, a friend with hair that's reminiscent of a Corky Bell School of Dance annual recital circa 1988 makes a feeble attempt to take her away from the cameras to prevent further embarrassment. Her friend failed. Great hair poof, though. In case you haven't got time for this NSFW video, I've lovingly compiled the greatest hits. (You're welcome!) Oh, but if you don't watch the video, you don't get to see the Beso employee pick up Lynn and carry her back into the restaurant.

"When one door closes, another door opens"
"'drina is gonna f*ckin' RISE!"
"Fuckin'-A, she's a Polish-Catholic, f*ckin' full-on Italian!" [Audrina]
"Audrina coulda won Dancing with the Stars, but it wasn't God's Will."
"You think Kurt Russell and Sarah Palin's daughter did good?"
"She ain't no second-class actress, she rocks!" [Audrina]
"I've been a celebrity mom eight years through this Hills bulls*it"
"She's gonna be so pissed I'm talking to you idiots"

"At Jimby Kimbell...it was really good...I drank my first three glasses of wine...I usually don't drink"

Better With You

Last month, I gave a rundown of the TV shows on the Fall schedule that I care about. Some are new shows, and some are returning favorites. There were a lot of shows I committed to watching, and so following up with my reviews and insights would be quite the time-suck. Plus, none of you sons-a-bitches even asked for my opinion in the first place, so I'm pretty much doing this for my own amusement--and I am considerably less amused than when I originally took on this endeavor.

However, I do love the new ABC sitcom Better with You. As I wrote before, it's about three relationships at different stages within one family. Mom and Dad have been together 35 years and are committed--even if the spark seems to be gone. Big Sis and her live-in boyfriend have been together 9 years, and though the "honeymoon" is over, they have a great short-hand with one another that shows how in-sync they are. Little Sis and her Fiance have been together for 8 weeks, and they think everything they say and do is endearing and romantic. What drives the series is showing the way these couples interact differently in the same situations based on how long they've been together. They fight differently, they flirt differently, they ride in cabs differently. Well, if there was any doubt in my mind as to which couple was most like Steve and me (hint: we've been together 10 years), we had a little exchange last night that cleared it up:

[We're at home. As I walk into our room and past Steve, I flash a grin at him]

Steve: What was that for?
Me: [Biting into a fun size Kit Kat] Oh, I dunno. Sometimes when I look at you, I can't help but smile, 'cause you make me so f***ing happy.
Steve: [laughing]. Ok, now I know you're full of $#*!.

Credit Given Where Credit's Due

A while back, I took former First Daughter and Today contributing correspondent Ms. Jenna Bush Hager to task for her elementary school teacher style of narration. It's great for reading stories to young children, not so great for a national news program.

Her latest piece just aired and I must say, I noticed a marked improvement in her ease and style. She is doing a great job!

I figure, I can't criticize somebody and then not recognize them for doing well, so there you go--nice work, Jenna!

Review: ABC's My Generation...Kind of Speaks to My Generation

I'm trying out several new shows this season, and My Generation was one I was most...curious about. I was intrigued by the concept: A documentary film crew follows nine seniors from a Texas high school in 2000, asks them to share their hopes and aspirations for the future, then returns ten years later to see how their present-day reality measures up to their high school dreams. My Generation skips back and forth between 2000 and 2010, showing how the national events, scandals, and crises that transpired have shaped these young people. I say I was curious about this show because I told myself it would either be terribly addictive or feel terribly contrived. After viewing two episodes, I find myself comfortably in between the two.

I think I'm pretty qualified to judge this series. I graduated high school in 2000, and I live in Texas, so I should either find these characters relatable, or I should be able to quickly identify them as inauthentic. My Generation stars:

Steven: "The Over-Achiever"

Jackie: "The Beauty Queen"

Christine: "The Wallflower"

Kenneth: "The Nerd"

Dawn: "The Punk"

Rolly: "The Jock"

Brenda: "The Brain"

Anders: "The Rich Kid"

Falcon: "The Rock Star"

As you might have guessed, part of the criticism of My Generation is the introduction of seemingly one-note characters, accounting for basically every teenage stereotype. That is true, but I would like to counter with this: If a documentary film crew visits a high school to select nine subjects for their film, they are going to seek out representatives from every segment of the population, and label them as such so they can be easily identified and recognized. I'll buy that. Besides, the way I remember high school, people are marginalized. It isn't until we get to know one another that we discover the depth and complexity of a person, and we don't learn the totality of a person's character in a few minutes of screen time, which is all we've seen of each character so far.

Another criticism is that the characters in 2010 have unrealistic life stories that are too heavily influenced by national events and pop culture. If I didn't happen to know so many people whose lives mirror that of the characters of My Generation, I might be inclined to agree. 

Critics also say it isn't realistic that so many of these characters' lives turned out so differently from what they had planned. Well, if a documentary film crew had interviewed me as a high school senior, they would have met a girl with little interest in marriage, no interest in children, with no clearly defined career ambitions, but big plans for an important job, in a big office overlooking the city, where I'll wear designer suits and sit at a desk made of dark mahogany. My office would be decorated with a Moroccan theme! Maybe I'd be a lawyer! Not because I have any interest in practicing law, but because I bet a lawyer would have the means to do everything listed above.

For those keeping score, I'm a stay-at-home wife and mother who writes a blog while wearing sweatpants. But critics of My Generation say it's far-fetched for a 28-year-old woman's life to stand in such stark contrast to the dreams held by her 18-year-old self. I would counter that it isn't the 28-year-old who is out of touch, it's the 18-year-old who lacks self-awareness and an understanding for the world around her.

I say all of that, so I can say this: Let it be. Sorry My Generation it isn't Mad Men, but that doesn't mean it's not worth watching. I want to watch it all season, so I'm putting out a positive review with the hopes it will help to balance out the negative reviews so ABC doesn't take it out back and shoot it. 

Bloggers Are Trying to Kill Network Television

I love the way I can use my blog to express myself, offer social commentary, and create a dialogue. The notion that I can think a thought, type it up, and...poof...release it into the world; is gratifying, and comes with responsibility. I'm not afraid to sharply criticize and share my strong opinions, but I reach a point where I have to ask: What is the purpose?

I hold a Bachelor's degree in Communications, and I loved studying television, film, pop culture, media, and the way all of those things influence our culture. If I could, I would have pursued graduate studies...but my professor always emphasized that you can't do anything but be a poor teacher with his education and qualifications. Money isn't that important to me, but I am not someone who could afford to have a $100,000 education that would only lead to a modest income. Maybe if I was a trust fund baby...

I am so over reality television. There are still a few shows I enjoy: The Biggest Loser and Dancing with the Stars are the two major ones. Oh, and anything featuring Real Housewives. How could I forget? Some of what falls into the "reality" category is compelling stuff. Most of it is garbage. I can't even watch Vh1 anymore. I love TV, so I realize that viewers have to support quality scripted programs in order for them to succeed, and for network honchos to make more shows like them.

That is why I get so frustrated when new shows debut and writers are so quick to slaughter them. It doesn't seem like reality programming faces the same level of scrutiny. Reality television is like the underachieving child from whom the parents expect little, so they're not disappointed that they have no redeeming value.

Scripted programs can't even be mediocre; they have to be stellar, groundbreaking, and flawless; otherwise they are criticized as being "disappointing" or "poorly executed". The critics (and that includes the amateur blogger) seem to take pleasure in dissecting television programs and overanalyzing them to the point where I almost feel dumb for admitting that I actually liked the show they're tearing apart. If writers and critics don't learn to temper their harsh criticisms with a little bit of restraint and allow these new shows the chance to develop and find an audience, networks will never take risks or try anything new, and that would be a shame. I'm thinking of a certain show in particular, and I'll get to that in a later post.

So to get back to my original question: What is the purpose? It's easy to sit back and observe, searching for flaws, but why do writers want to do this? They are killing television, and this couch potato would appreciate it if they stop. Pronto.

We're Missing a Theme Here

How much did you love Glee's Britney/Brittany episode? I think it definitely lived up to all the hype!

Ya know what I've been thinking about for a while now? I've wondered why Glee doesn't have a theme song and opening title sequence. They're a group of song-and-dance people, a theme song musical production number seems right down their alley. Remember how they used to film a new one each year for The Cosby Show? I think I know why they don't have one--most of today's network programs have an abbreviated opening title sequence or none at all. Or they had one for the first few seasons and later abandoned it (Grey's Anatomy). My best guess is that, with the high cost of advertising for programming, show producers want to make the most out of their air time and save precious seconds for program content instead of the opening title sequence. Am I on to something? Anybody? Anybody?

It makes sense to me, but I think today's shows are missing that little something extra by not having a theme song...guaranteed immortality. Many shows would fade into obscurity altogether if not for a memorable theme song (The Greatest American Hero). Other shows who only enjoyed a short television run are ingrained in pop culture thanks to a theme song everybody knows (Gilligan's Island). There are many sitcoms I grew up loving, and while I may not be able to recall the plot points of many episodes (Tootie feels left out, DJ crash diets to prepare for Kathy Santone's pool party, Cherie Johnson plays hide-and-seek in a refrigerator and Punky teaches all of us how to do CPR) I can still sing the theme songs. It helps us to share in our nostalgia. Years after these classic shows are cancelled, the theme song is sort of all we have left in our memories. That, along with the brilliant way that theme song played over a montage of each character, culminating in some sort of group activity (food fight! riding a rollercoaster! horesplaying in a fountain!) I can sing the entire Growing Pains theme song, but I only remember the plot of one episode. Mike and Boener move into an apartment above the garage. I have never watched an episode of M*A*S*H, but I can hum the entire theme. Here are just some of the "greats"

The Classic Montage:
The Facts of Life


Charles in Charge

Family Ties

Punky Brewster

Happy Days
Laverne & Shirley
The Golden Girls



Let's Meet the Cast:
The Wonder Years

Growing Pains

Save By the Bell
Full House
Family Matters


A Catchy Little Tune:
The Andy Griffith Show
The Addams Family
Sanford & Son
Magnum P.I.
Dallas
St. Elsewhere
M*A*S*H
Law & Order
Roseanne
Sex and the City
The Office

What's this show about, anyway?:
The Brady Bunch
Gilligan's Island
The Beverly Hillbillies
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

An Entertaining Song and Dance:
The Cosby Show

Blossom


The Theme Song is a Classic All its Own
Ally McBeal

The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Jeffersons
Friends
Scrubs
Cheers


Picture Collage!
My Two Dads

Mr. Belvedere
Webster
Mad About You

Michael Bolton Gets Sent to Live on a Farm

I knew Michael Bolton was getting da boot last night, and I didn't even have to consult my Magic 8 Ball.  What I didn't expect was for Michael to take judge Bruno Tonioli to task for his harsh criticism. Our "Soul Provider" put Bruno on blast, calling him "rude" and "disrespectful". He didn't have the cajones to say it to Bruno's face, though. He said it to Brooke Burke's microphone in the little off-stage holding room for the dancers. Way to be assertive, Mike. When I tell people off, I enjoy direct eye contact. It demonstrates a level of respect I think that person deserves, and it helps me to know that my message really resonates. But your way is good, too.

Bruno's job is to judge a ballroom dancing competition, and his schtick is to say flamboyant, outrageous things. Michael and Chelsie's jive performance, from what little I understand about ballroom, demonstrated everything that is wrong with ballroom dance. For Michael to be offended that Bruno said "That's the worst jive I've seen in 11 years" and not be offended by Len Goodman's more colorfully worded "That needed a pooper scooper" critique, is baffling. For Michael to be offended by criticism at all is sort of like a matador wearing red and then being furious when the bull charges him. My point is, Michael was asking for ridicule and should have expected it.

If he wants to be mad, he should blame Chelsie Hightower. She should have known better. Now, if she decided she didn't want to be on the show, or that after being partnered with Jake Pavelka last season and Michael Bolton this season that she'd had enough of all this and just wants to go to Oktoberfest, she did exactly the right thing. That dance was ballroom suicide.

If she maintains that she thought this dog concept was a winning idea and that she sincerely acted in Michael Bolton's best interests, well then this dancer's judgment is so flawed, I wouldn't allow her to dog sit for my mutts.

DWTS Week 2; OR "Michael Bolton's Last Shred of Dignity is Stripped from Him on National TV"

The second title is wordier, but more accurate. Here's a stream-of-consciousness rundown of my thoughts from last night's episode, as I was feeding Robinson:

• I am bummed I no longer have a reason to shout "Don't Hassle the Hoff!" at my television. I'll now have to return to saying it to Steve whenever the mood strikes.
• I would like to replace The Situation with Albie Manzo. Just a suggestion.
• Yay to Margaret Cho for her graceful descent down the stairs. I am relieved to see she is sans cape. In related news: her dress is made from the bed linens from my freshman dorm room.

• What in Cruella deVille hell is Michael Bolton wearing?
• Brandy looks like she's wearing the "Naughty Schoolgirl" Halloween costume from Electrique Boutique.
• Rick Fox is so charming. I'm pretty sure if he ever made direct eye contact with me I would blush and stammer. It's just a theory.
• Ok, Tom and Brooke keep referencing The Hoff's early departure like it's Jennifer Hudson and Chris Daughtry's American Idol eliminations: the sequel. It isn't.
• I hate to see sweet Audrina cry, but I love that when she cries she flaps her hands in front of her face.
• I love Florence Henderson's frequent and (not) subtle digs at Cloris Leachman. In Flo's defense, Cloris did behave like a dementia patient most of the time she appeared on Dancing with the Stars.
• OMG! Ith Thindy Brady!
• Ugh. Can Maksim/Brandy and Derek/Jennifer switch partners? I've worked with Russians and African Americans, and it's explosive. Like Mentos and Diet Coke. Brandy and Maks are doomed. Also, I love Jennifer Grey and find Derek Hough to be a complete tool. Moving on.
• I have no interest in seeing Brandy perform, unless she's dancing to "The Boy is Mine" or "Sittin up in My Room". Also, she is so over-animated in her reactions to the judges critiques. I feel like I'm watching Moesha: The Musical. What I'm saying is, she's awful.
• Chelsie Hightower, if  you didn't want to participate in DWTS this year, why didn't you just say so? Did you have to take Michael Bolton down with you?
• Michael's descent into humiliation: he howls and barks to his dance music, he agrees to crawl out of a dog house, he wears a surgical mask to rehearsal. This is more awkward than my entire sixth grade year.
• Michael Bolton: "This is not Whatever Land." I've been looking for a new catch phrase. Thanks, Michael!
• Ouch. Bruno says Michael's jive is the worst he's seen in 11 years. Nail, meet coffin.
• The judges critique their performance. I've never heard so many euphemisms for "You Suck". 
• Sweet Carrie Ann Inaba says it best: You're Michael Bolton and you crawled out of there. Yes he did, Carrie Ann. Yes he did. The real question is, did crawling out of the dog house, howling, and standing with a bone in his mouth degrade him so completely that we can now forget what used to be the most embarrassing thing about him:

• Hint: I'm talking about his hair. Just remember, Michael: Nothing heals a broken heart like "Time, Love and Tenderness"
• Brooke Burke is trying so hard to be nice. She even tries to tell a sweet story about a time when she was humiliated on national television when she forgot her jive routine...too bad she went on to win the whole thing and now has a hosting gig on the show. Not quite the same thing, is it?
• I'm loving that blue dress Audrina is wearing. I'm told that shade of blue is not my color. She improved, which is great, but Tony lost a bet he made, that if they didn't score three 8's he would wax his legs. Bruno gave him a 7. Bruno's been a little bitch tonight.
• I want Jennifer's dress. I have no occasion to wear a dress like that, so I imagine I'd just vacuum while wearing it. Sounds like a good time.
• While lying on the dance floor recovering, Jennifer spends an uncomfortable amount of time with her head in Derek's lap. To be fair, anybody's head in Derek Hough's lap makes me uncomfortable.
• We get to chat with Sarah Palin. I love her use of the word "exuberance" and her ability to make a hockey reference at a ballroom competition.
• Good job Margaret. If sincerity counts, she might be the most deserving winner.
• Kurt Warner performs nicely. Next.
• The Situation. I can't believe all of America has agreed to call a 27-year-old man "The Situation". Next.
• Mark and Bristol journey home to Alaska to meet Sarah. Because, ya know, that's where Sarah always can be found. The meet and greet is about as awkward and embarrassing as any teenage girl introducing a man to her mom. I love the part where Sarah asks Mark how he taught Bristol to shimmy. As if Sarah doesn't know how to shimmy. Child, please!
• Who did Bristol piss off in the wardrobe department this week? That purple dress is heinous.
• I've read that the producers select the music. Do they have an agenda with Bristol? Last week she performed to "Mama Told Me (Not to Come). This week, "You Can't Hurry Love." I see a theme here. (Hint: It's "don't have sex")

Obviously, America has a "bone" to pick with Michael Bolton. He really deserves to be sent to "the pound" for that performance, so he'll probably be "unleashed" in tonight's elimination. He'd probably rather be "put to sleep". And...I'm finished with this show.

We're Getting Old

Saturday Night Live premiered this past Saturday, and all it did was remind me that I'm getting old.

Exhibit A:
Location: Our bed
Time: approximately 11:00 pm

Katy Perry is performing

Steve: Katy Perry is hot.
Me: Yeah. She is.
Steve: You don't like her, do you?
Me: Nuh no, I like her. I bought her first album. But...do you think she's just...a little bit obnoxious?
Steve: All hot girls are a little bit obnoxious.
Me: They are? I didn't know that. Hmm...she seems a little gimicky to me.
Steve: I'm just glad to see a pop star who isn't blonde. I like brunettes.
Me: She dyes her hair...oh my gosh.
Steve: What is it?
Me: She's singing "California Gurls". This is "the song of the summer", that like, broke iTunes records, that all the kids are listening to. I've never heard it before, have you?
Steve: Ugh. We are getting old.

Exhibit B:
Time: approximately 11:15

After taking our nightly medication and pain reliever for various aches and pains, we fall asleep.

Exhibit C:
Time: Right now

I had to Google "California Gurls" to verify the spelling of the song title.

In conclusion: I'm not hip, I'm not down, I don't have the 411, I'm not diggin' what the kids are listening to. I'm such a square. [sigh.]

Bristol Palin Shows Us How It's Done

Regardless of your political leanings, there is one matter on which we can all agree: Bristol Palin is exquisite. I love everything about this picture. I don't care if this is just a carefully crafted look specifically for the premiere of Dancing with the Stars. Not every "Star" who undergoes their ballroom makeover comes out looking this sensational (see: Shannen Doherty, Heather Mills, Melissa Joan Hart). Bristol is an elegant flower.

As you can see, I don't need lessons in how to be glamorous. All it takes is false eyelashes, a spray tan and industrial strength hairspray. Where I could use a little help is in the pose department. Here is how I would normally stand for a photo:

Boring! Sidenote: Pay no attention to the smooshed boobies. Now, check out Bristol with her partner, Mark Ballas:

Why didn't I think of this sooner? Why don't we always pose this way? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba I'm lovin' it! To me, it exemplifies glamour and grace, while playfully suggesting just enough sass to captivate. Let's break it down and explore all the reasons this picture makes me want to re-shoot my wedding photos:

1. By holding the left leg across her partner's body, it is elongates the leg, making her appear taller and thinner.
2. Holding up the left leg gives her partner something to do with his right hand, instead of just letting his arm hang by his side.
3. The lifted leg allows us to get a better look at her lovely footwear. I've always wished for a way to show off my shoes in photographs.
4. By facing inward, she de-emphasizes her bustline, allowing her other assets the opportunity to shine.
5. Two words: Booty Pop. 
6. This angle best accentuates the calves.

Whoop whoop Bristol! Way to bring the foxy!

Katy Perry: Too Sexy for this 'Street'

To quote the great Russell Brand: "Today's Sesame Street will NOT be brought to you by the number 34 or the letter D."

Katy Perry filmed a music video duet with Elmo as part of Sesame Street's 41st season. This seems like a natural choice to me. Katy Perry is youthful and whimsical, she has a pretty singing voice, and the face of a Disney princess. Just look at those eyes!

Check out the rack on Ariel! Sorry, I got distracted. Anyways, during this two minute video, a spoof of Katy's song "Hot n Cold", she wears this dress that looks about as provocative as something you'd see at Smuckers Stars on Ice:

When previews of Sesame Street's upcoming season became available for online viewing, parents reacted harshly to what they felt was an inappropriate costume choice.

Cries of "Escandalo!" echoed through the blogosphere. Since Sesame Street is not in the business of creating controversy or angering parents, they made the decision not to air the segment.

What do Katy Perry, Ariel, Sasha Cohen, and your mom have in common? They have breasts. Preschoolers see cleavage, decollete, chests, whatever you want to call it, everyday.  Unless of course, they have two daddies instead of a mommy. Robinson is staring at my boobies right now.

Yes, Katy's chest and legs are visible in this video. What we don't see is her body being displayed in a sexual context. I've already blogged once this week about sexuality, age appropriateness, and the slutification* of America's children, even I am surprised that this video has created such controversy. Sesame Street has been on the air for over 40 years. Obviously the producers of this award-winning, well-respected American institution didn't find Katy's outfit too risque. I consider myself to err on the side of conservatism when it comes to the parenting choices I will make in the future, and having viewed this video I can say without hesitation that I would have no objections to allowing Rob to watch it. Where do I draw the line, you ask?

Right there.

Are we now to believe that a woman's body can be viewed as nothing more than a sexual object? Katy has to cover up so as not to be "sexy"? Personally, I think that the parents who complained are just a bunch of jealous haters who resent Katy and her lovely figure and they are projecting their own feelings about Katy Perry's sexual magnetism. This is America, and as long as women and mothers wear swimsuits, sports bras and tank tops in front of their children, children will continue to see cleavage.

All that being said, parents have the right to choose what is appropriate for their child to view. I'd like to offer up a solution so that Katy Perry can re-shoot her Elmo video without creating a firestorm of controversy:

"Samantha, did you just crudely photoshop Katy Perry's head on a poncho?" Why yes I did, gentle reader. Now Katy has been reduced to nothing more than a limbless torso that is fully concealed. Hopefully that won't violate the delicate moral code of America's parents.



*I just made that word up. It is the act of turning one slutty.

I'm Giving Parenthood Another Try

The TV show, not actual parenthood. Parenthood is the best thing to ever happen to me. The TV show, Parenthood, not so much. I decided to give it another shot because of a strong endorsement from a friend whose opinion I value, and I wasn't disappointed with the season premiere.

I only watched a couple of episodes last season, and I totally forgot that Joy Bryant is on the show. She plays the role of Jasmine, ex-girlfriend of Crosby (Dax Shepard) and single mom to the son Crosby didn't know he had. Sidenote: Concealing the existance of a child from one of its parents is one of my favorite themes in television and film.

Steve doesn't like to brag about his brushes with fame, but he met Joy Bryant once when she visited his golf shop to buy a present for her dad a few years ago. I was impressed that Steve recognized her, because although she is beautiful, she wasn't a household name and I didn't expect Steve to be familiar with her work. Apparently, being hot is all it takes to be memorable for Steve, and it helped that she offered up that she's an actress in conversation with Steve.

Steve: I met Joy Bryant today.
Me: The actress, Joy Bryant? Was she nice?
Steve: Yeah. I told her The Skeleton Key is your favorite movie and she seemed surprised. She was like, "Really?"
Me: I bet she was. You told her The Skeleton Key is my favorite movie?
Steve: Isn't it?
Me: No. It's a good movie, but it is not my favorite.
Steve: Why not?
Me: "Favorite" status is reserved for classics like Gone with the Wind or The Godfather.Your favorite movie says a lot about you. People judge you based on it.
Steve: So what's your favorite movie then? Legally Blonde or Old School?
Me: [sigh] Gone with the Wind is what I say is my favorite movie. Old School is my favorite movie. Get it?

Kate Hudson and Joy Bryant in The Skeleton Key

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

So last night (Tuesday) was a big night for TV. Glee, The Biggest Loser, Raising Hope, Running Wilde, Parenthood. Since Parenthood was recording in the next room, I decided to try watching Detroit 187, because:

1. Steve and I loved Michael Imperioli when he was on The Sopranos
2. We were already on the channel that was showing Detroit 187 and didn't bother changing it.

Around that time, Robinson mentioned something about being hungry (translation: be began screaming at full volume). I'm what Oprah calls a "multi-tasker" so I told myself, "I got this." I can feed Robinson a bottle and watch Detroit 187. I was wrong. I. Was. Wrong.

Because my eyes were on the television instead of my baby, I didn't notice the exact moment he stopped eating and began quietly lying in my arms with the bottle still in his mouth. He usually spits it out when he's through. I suppose the bottle was just leaking formula into his mouth and it went down the wrong pipe. That's when little man began coughing. I put down the bottle, and Steve came to my side of the bed to watch as I sat Robinson upright and began patting him on the back. He only coughed for a few seconds, then he just sat quietly. He seemed quite content, actually. Then he got a funny look on his face. That's when the wildest thing happened:

He projectile spit up. This spit-up was long reaching, quite considerable in quantity, and had a nice arc to it. Like a rainbow. Then he did it again, just as much as the one before. If I had known this would happen, I would've worn a poncho. Steve and I were so mystified. It was so bright and vivid. It was like a full-on double rainbow all across the sky. Which of course made me think of the Double Rainbow Guy.



So yeah, after all that, Detroit 187 failed to capture my attention. Later, during Robinson's (vomit free) midnight feeding I watched The Biggest Loser, grateful to be able to fast forward through the hour of commercials and fifteen or so minutes of fluff that helped fill the two hour time slot. Their ratings weren't the greatest, and if viewers didn't have to watch for two hours in order to view the 45 minutes of actual programming, more people might tune in. It annoys me.

You know what doesn't annoy me? Jillian Michael's expression and posture during the show. It cracks me up the way she's so serious. Alison Sweeney is standing beside her, looking peaceful and pleasant, while Jillian stands there in her tough-guy stance, all her weight on one hip jutting out to the side, arms crossed, pouty face and eyes glazed over. Like she's dreaming up ways to kill her enemies. It reminded me of someone...

Jillian and Avril: you girls are too pretty to be so angry! Grr...