It Started with a Chair...

So, I passed this on the way to brunch a couple of Sundays ago. Seriously, this is "the most magnificent discarded living room set I've ever seen." 

I want to tell my neighbors that Juno MacGuff does not live here and will not be strolling along and taking this little beauty off their hands.

 

It's too bad they didn't toss that puppy out during the fall of 2009. How classic would it have been if I had snagged the neighbor's recliner, and was lounging in my front yard when Steve left for work in the morning. He'd be confused about why I'm sitting in a chair in our front yard, but you know, he'd still be happy to see me. Then, while pretending to smoke an unlit pipe, I'd tell him I'm pregnant! It beats shoving a positive pregnancy test in his face while he's trying to watch the Cowboys game. Opportunity missed.

Sorry to any reader who hasn't seen Juno. This must all be so confusing for you. Pay no attention to me. Good day to you all.

Why Do I Know This?

I have a slight reputation for being kind of good at pop culture trivia. This semi-talent doesn't win me money or fame, but I have garnered a modest level of notoriety in various social circles and have won a few free pitchers of Natural Light in college. I know. I'm feeling boastful today.

Sometimes a person will ask a question that is pop culture-related, often to nobody in particular, and I find myself blurting out the answer the way my baby burps up formula. It's an involuntary response, and sometimes I even surprise myself with the truly random tidbits of knowledge rolling around in my brain. Here are just a few examples. You may not think they're that remarkable, and you can feel free to tell me so. But remember this: Each example I'm about to list occured within the last seven days. I'm on fire.

1. At dinner last Tuesday to celebrate our friend Bean's promotion, Brad jokingly called Bean "Mr. Bean". Then somebody at the table asked nobody in particular the name of the British actor who portrays the character Mr. Bean.

After racking my brain for a half-second (just as I do when trying to remember my 12-times tables), I blurt out "Rowan Atkinson". Everyone within earshot just stares at me.

Why do I know this?

2. While waiting in the doctor's office on Thursday afternoon, I receive a text message from Steve: "Scarlett Johansson dead...she fell onset at a movie shoot in France 70 feet".

What the what? I only had time to fire off an "Are you sure?" reply before being whisked away for an x-ray. While I'm standing in the x-ray machine, I'm considering this possibility. First of all, I have a healthy level of skepticism whenever my husband is the first person to break a piece of major celebrity news. In 2008, he called me at work, breathless, to announce that Jessica Biel was tragically killed when she fell off a yacht in international waters. I seriously don't know what that man is looking at on the Internet,  but he apparently likes to visit web sites that erroneously report the untimely, accidental death of celebrities with famous figures and questionable acting ability who are travelling abroad. AccidentalDeathOfCelebritiesWithFamousFiguresAndQuestionableActingAbility...I wonder if that domain name is taken? That would be a great website. Anyway, I don't believe Steve. Also, I don't think she's even in France. This is what I said to Steve when I finally got to call him:

"I think you're wrong about ScarJo. She was photographed by paparazzi jogging in Malibu with Owen Wilson and Sean Penn just a couple days ago."

Why do I know this?

These pictures caused a huge stir because people thought Scarlett looked pregnant. Boy, I'm so glad that I'm not famous enough for paparazzi to take my picture while I'm jogging. Those would be some unflattering photos! Oh, who am I kidding? I don't jog.

3. While lounging on the couch and flipping through channels on Sunday, Steve poses this question: "Is it bad that I think Lois Griffin is hot?

Me: No. She is hot. ["Us redheads gotta stick together," I think to myself]
Steve: Yeah. I think so, too.
Me: That's random. What made you think of that?
Steve: [points at TV, showing an episode of That 70's Show.] The mom on this show is the voice of Lois Griffin.

Me: No. She isn't.
Steve: [very firmly] Yes, she is.
Me: That's not right.
Steve: Yes it is!
Me: [sigh] Debra Jo Rupp plays Kitty on That 70's Show. Alex Borstein is the voice of Lois Griffin.
Steve: Oh, yeah right. Like the voice of Lois Griffin is a guy! [Shakes his head and laughs, like I'm so dumb and he's so smart]
Steve: Alex can be a girl's name. Like Alexandra.
Steve: Oh yeah. Well, are you sure she's not the voice of Lois?
Me: Uh, yeah.

Why do I know this?

Sidenote: Mila Kunis, who plays Jackie on That 70's Show is the voice of Lois Griffin's daughter Meg on Family Guy. But you knew that, right? That's an easy one.

4. Later on Sunday night, Steve is flipping back and forth between a baseball game and The Wizard of Oz, which is airing on cable.

Steve: Do you know who Judy Garland's mom is?
Me: Um, no...Judy Garland's real name is Frances Gumm, and her parents were Vaudeville performers. But I don't know her name.
Steve: Oh. I'm sorry, I meant to ask if you know who Judy Garland's daughter is.
Me: Oh. Yeah. Liza Minelli. You know that. Why are you even quizzing me?

Why do I know this? (Not the part about Liza, of course. The whole Frances Gumm-Vaudeville thing).

So, yeah. That's all for today. The moral of this story is: in the absence of Google or any other search engine, there's a possibility that I can answer your obscure pop culture trivia question. I'm adding that skill to my resume as soon I finish typing this.

Cinematic Vernacular

Lots of people like to quote movies. There are websites and magazine articles devoted to listing the great memorable quotes in cinema. This is not one of those posts. This post is about my recent realization that there are movie quotes and dialogue that Steve and I have seen together over the years that somehow seeped into our language. If someone overhearing our conversation was unfamiliar with the film we were referencing, they might be confused by what we're saying. Here is a rundown of movie lines that Steve and I commonly use in the context of our conversations. So nobody will have to ask me, "Who's Shelby?" ever again.



 

Line: "Bring your green hat."
Movie: Old School
Background: A highly intoxicated Frank (Will Ferrell) strips naked during a college party where Snoop Dogg is performing. He commandeers the microphone and invites everyone to join him as he goes streaking through the quad into the gymnasium. As Frank tries to recruit Snoop to join him, Snoop's spiritual advisor Don Magic Juan, wearing a green hat, steps between them. Frank encourages him to come along, saying "It's cool, I'm cool, bring your green hat, let's go".
How we use it in a sentence: It's a way of saying "Come with me right now", or "Just come as you are"
Example: "We're meeting for dinner at a place near work. Come on, bring your green hat."

Line: "I'm an excellent driver"
Movie: Rain Man
Background: Raymond (Dustin Hoffman) is the autistic brother of Charlie (Tom Cruise). They go on a road trip in a vintage car. Raymond repeatedly announces that he is an excellent driver, among other things.
How we use it in a sentence: Whenever Steve and I are getting ready to go somewhere together, we inevitably have a conversation about which car we'll take and who will drive. We say this line in our best "Dustin Hoffman" voice.
Example:
Steve: Let's take your car.
Me: I'm an excellent driver.

Line: "Drink your juice, Shelby"
Movie: Steel Magnolias
Background: Diabetic Shelby (Julia Roberts) gets a little too much insulin on her wedding day. While having her hair done at Truvy's (Dolly Parton) Salon, she has a reaction. Everyone rushes to her aid, but her mom (Sally Field) asserts that "juice is better" and she struggles to force juice down an uncooperative Shelby's throat.
How we use it in a sentence: Whenever somebody is babbling nonsense, they are advised to "drink their juice". It's a polite way of saying "you should probably stop talking." This person is often tipsy or hungover, or maybe just groggy and sleep-deprived, and is always holding a beverage when this is said to them.

Line: "I don't know, Margo!"
Movie: Christmas Vacation
Background: Todd and Margo (Nicholas Guest and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss) are the yuppie a-holes who live next door to the Griswolds, and look down on them for not meeting their high-class standards. Throughout the movie, Clark's (Chevy Chase) holiday misadventures make Todd and Margo's life a living hell. Todd and Margo come home late one night to find their stereo destroyed by an unknown object (a block of ice that Clark managed to send flying from his gutters through their window). Confused and aggravated, Margo asks, "And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?", he responds with the utmost yuppie-angst: "I don't know, Margo!"
How we use it in a sentence: Whenever we feel we've been asked a dumb question, or one that we have no reason to know the answer.
Example:
Samantha: What time does American Idol come on?
Steve: I don't know, Margo!

Line: "It'd be a lot cooler if you did"
Movie: Dazed and Confused
Background: Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey) is the older guy who has already graduated, but still hangs around with high schoolers. He picks up freshman Mitch and asks, "Say, man, you got a joint?" Trying to play cool, Mitch casually replies, "No, not on me, man," and Wooderson smiles and says, "It'd be a lot cooler if you did."
Example:
Me: Did you pick up more formula for Robinson?
Steve: Aw, no...
Me: It'd be a lot cooler if you did.

Line: "Say 'What' again!"
Movie: Pulp Fiction
Background: Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) is a hit man on an assignment. He brandishes a handgun while questioning a young man named Brett. Brett is too terrified of the gun to say anything but "What". This creates a very unproductive conversation, leading Jules to threaten Brett to "Say 'what' again!"
Example:
Steve: So the craziest thing happened at work today...
Me: [reading and not paying attention] What?
Steve: Say 'what' again!

Line: "You're killing me, Smalls"
Movie: The Sandlot
Background: Scotty Smalls is camping with his buddies, when Ham offers him a s'more. Scotty doesn't know what a s'more is, prompting Ham to say "You're killing me, Smalls"This phrase is commonly used as a sign of frustration towards a person's cluelessness or ineptitude (per Urban Dictionary)
How we use it in a sentence:
Me: What are you doing? The Bachelor finale is on right now!
Steve: But the Rangers are playing a double-header!
Me: You're killing me, Smalls.

Line: "Bitch! I don't know your life!"
Movie: Baby Mama
Background: Angie (Amy Poehler) is Kate's (Tina Fey) surrogate mother and is staying in her apartment. Kate confronts Angie when she discovers wads of gum under her coffee table. Even though we see her do it, Angie says she doesn't know if she put the gum there, and that maybe Kate put some of the gum there.
Kate: Yeah, actually, you might be right. ‘Cause sometimes, when I work a really long day, I like to come home and chew a huge wad of Bubblicious gum and stick it under my reclaimed barnwood coffee table!
Angie: Bitch, I don’t know your life!
How we use it in a sentence: I might say this in response to a person who has misdirected hostility over me not knowing something that I would have no way of knowing.
Example:
Me: Can you come early tomorrow night?
Steve: I can't! I have to meet with some reps at Outback after work.
Me: Bitch, I don't know your life!

Line: "I feel teriboo!"
Movie: Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Background: Rock star Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) is vacationing in a Hawaiian hotel where Matthew (Jonah Hill) is an employee and aspiring musician. He slips a demo CD to Aldous, urging him to listen so that he won't miss the opportunity to discover his talent. To persuade him, Matthew imitates Aldous, which sounds more like an Ozzy Osbourne impression, saying "OH! I saw that guy! He was my waiter and I totally dismissed him like everybody else does... in his life. And I totally was wrong cuz he's a major, major, major influence on me now... and I feel terrible!" But his fake British accent sounds like he says "I feel teriboo!"
How we use it in a sentence: Basically, whenever we make a mistake or forget something important
Me: I totally forgot my mom's birthday!
Steve: I feel teriboo!

So what about you? Are there any movie lines that have taken on their own meaning for you, or that are used as a kind of short-hand between you and your friends or family?

I'm Officially Living in the Year 2007: I Signed Up for Netflix

If you're asking, "What took you so long?" I don't have an answer. I believe I've mentioned a time or two that I'm a procrastinator.

I am having a ball adding films to my Netflix queue. The last movie I saw in the theatre was Up in the Air. Steve and I used to love going out for movie dates, and I don't know why we stopped. I think it's because I was choosing the movies, and I was choosing bad movies. 

The first film in my Netflix queue is Easy A, starring Emma Stone. I love her.

In an effort to complete more items on my list of 101 Things in 1001 Days, I have begun adding movies to my Netflix queue that are Academy Award Winners for Best Picture, to fulfill item #73: See all of the films that have won the Best Picture Oscar.

I got the idea from my friend Jill, who began a similar project a few years ago. Last time I checked, she had made impressive progress. I should have taken a close look at the films on this list before committing to the task. No backing out now.

A few guidelines: I'm beginning with the most recent winner and working my way backwards. I need to ease into this by starting with current films. If I have already seen a Best Picture Winner in its entirety, I do not have to see it again. Halfheartedly watching the edited for TV version and missing chunks of it doesn't count. That's why you'll see classics like The Sound of Music, Casablanca, and The Godfather on the list and wonder how in the hell I've been on this earth, in America, for 29 years and have managed not to see these films. I haven't not seen these films. I just haven't really seen them. I don't remember The Sound of Music having Nazis, let's put it that way. I also have to re-watch Driving Miss Daisy, because I saw it once, in the theatre, in 1989. I was seven. My memory of the film is hazy at best.

I'll update this post to denote when I've watched a movie. I'll even grade it for you--taking a cue from In Living Color's Men on Film: every film I watch will get a grade of "Love it" or "Hate it". If it really rocked my world, I'll give it Three Snaps in Z Formation, known as the Zorro snap.

I don't want to rattle off a list of winners, you can find that on Wikipedia. I will,  however, give a quick run-down of my lineup:

Best Picture Winners I've Already Seen
2009 - The Hurt Locker - Loved it
2008 - Slumdog Millionaire - Loved it
2007 - No Country for Old Men - Loved it
2006 - The Departed - Loved it
2005 - Crash - Loved it
2004 - Million Dollar Baby - Loved it
2002 - Chicago - Loved it
2001 - A Beautiful Mind - Loved it
2000 - Gladiator - Loved it
1999 - American Beauty - Loved it
1997 - Titanic - Loved it
1994 - Forrest Gump - Loved it
1991 - The Silence of the Lambs - Loved it
1989 - Driving Miss Daisy - Loved it
1983 - Terms of Endearment - Loved it
1979 - Kramer vs. Kramer - Loved it
1939 - Gone with the Wind - Loved it

Films I've Always Wanted to See
1993 - Schindler’s List
1985 - Out of Africa
1977 - Annie Hall
1975 - One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
1954 - On the Waterfront
1953 - From Here to Eternity
1950 - All About Eve
1943 - Casablanca
1940 - Rebecca
1934 - It Happened One Night
The Theme Here: Highly acclaimed classics. I want to see what all the fuss is about.

Films I Wouldn't Normally Watch, but I'm Now Looking Forward To
2010 - The King's Speech
1973 - The Sting
1969 - Midnight Cowboy
1967 - In the Heat of the Night
1955 - Marty
1949 - All the Kings Men
The Theme Here: Crime, Drama, Classic Films

Films That Will Make My Husband Happy
1995 - Braveheart - Hated it
1992 - Unforgiven
1990 - Dances With Wolves
1988 - Rain Man 
1986 - Platoon
1978 - The Deer Hunter
1976 - Rocky
1974 - The Godfather Part II
1972 - The Godfather
1971 - The French Connection
1970 - Patton
The Theme Here: westerns, action, war, crime dramas

Films I'm Kind of Dreading
2003 - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
1996 - The English Patient - Hated it
1987 - The Last Emperor
1984 - Amadeus
1982 - Gandhi
1962 - Lawrence of Arabia
1959 - Ben-Hur
1957 - The Bridge on the River Kwai
1956 - Around the World in 80 Days
1952 - The Greatest Show on Earth
1948 - Hamlet
1935 - Mutiny on the Bounty
The Theme Here: epics, war movies, period pieces

Movies My Husband Will Refuse to Watch
1998 - Shakespeare in Love - Hated it
1968 - Oliver!
1965 - The Sound of Music
1964 - My Fair Lady
1963 - Tom Jones
1961 - West Side Story
1958 - Gigi
1951 - An American in Paris
1944 - Going My Way
1938 - You Can't Take It with You
1936 - The Great Ziegfeld
1928/1929 - The Broadway Melody
The Theme Here: musicals, films set in Europe, films featuring a cast of carnies and/or street urchins

And All the Rest
1981 - Chariots of Fire
1980 - Ordinary People
1966 - A Man for All Seasons
1960 - The Apartment
1947 - Gentleman's Agreement
1946 - The Best Years of Our Lives
1945 - The Lost Weekend
1942 - Mrs. Miniver
1941 - How Green Was My Valley
1937 - The Life of Emile Zola
1932/1933 - Cavalcade
1931/1932 - Grand Hotel
1930/1931 - Cimarron
1929/1930 - All Quiet on the Western Front
1927/1928 - Wings

Wow. This looks like I'm taking on quite the endeavor. How long do you think this will take to complete? Are there any movies I'm dreading that you think I will like?

An Un-Valentine's Day Post

I was watching the movie Valentine's Day last weekend, which left me with more questions than answers:

1. Why do people keep hiring Ashton Kutcher to make movies?
2. Natalie Portman co-stars in Ashton Kutcher's latest film. What? Why? Are we sure she went to Harvard? I went to a state school and am not an actress, but if somebody offered me a role alongside Ashton Kutcher, I'd say "No thanks."
3. Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba in the same movie?! Was Jessica Simpson not available? I'm saying they're all terrible.

Anyway, if you haven't seen Valentine's Day--don't. Also, if you haven't seen Valentine's Day, you don't know that Ashton Kutcher plays a florist (I know, I know). It reminded me of a time that I worked in a flower shop and helped a clumsy man's attempt at romance. I don't want to spoil the ending, but it was a big, fat FAIL.

So, a jittery, nervous, dazed man wanders into the flower shop as if he's accidentally stumbled into Narnia. He wants flowers delivered to his wife at work as soon as possible, and chooses an arrangement from the cooler.

As I'm collecting delivery information and ask what he wants the card to say, he asks if he can handwrite the message. I offer him a blank card, and after several minutes of serious deliberation, he scrawls a message onto the card, folds it so the message is facing out, and hands it to me. It reads:

I can't believe you when you say you don't love me anymore.

Before you file for divorce, can we see a therapist

and try to work through our problems?

I flinched, and my eye twitched, the way it does when information is thrust upon me that is absolutely none of my business. I feel really uncomfortable. I look up, and locking eyes with the fidgety man, I ask, "Would you like to seal this in an envelope?"

"No," he says with a sudden surge of certainty and assertiveness. "I want her to see the message immediately."

"Oh, hell," I think to myself. No good can come from this. It's a good thing he has me. "Oh," I say, trying to carefully choose my words. "Don't you think she would prefer such a private message be...less visible to others?"  Hint, hint jackass! 

"No, no," he replies, becoming slightly squirmy. "It's important that she see this right away."

"I see. Umm, isn't this being delivered to a place of business?"

"Yes."

"And are there other people at this place of business, or is she the only person there?"

"No, it's a big office."

"Ok, so these flowers are going to be intercepted by a receptionist or a secretary, right?"

"Uh, yeah, probably."

"Alright, well here's what's going to happen. When flowers are delivered to an office, the women converge on the flowers like ants at a picnic. They love it. And in doing so, they're all going to read your deeply personal message to your wife. Then all the ladies in the office are going to know your wife's personal business. She's going to be mortified, and your grand gesture is going to backfire in a big way. I need you to trust me on this." Also, I think you need bigger flowers. I keep that thought to myself.

I slide an envelope across the table. He still refuses to sign it. Now I want to divorce him, too.

As soon as he leaves, I write his wife's name on the front of an envelope, and seal the card inside. He may be a complete moron whose marriage is about to implode, but I'm not going to help him embarrass his wife at work.

Us bitches gotta stick together.

The Thanksgiving Story According to Wednesday Addams

I love Peter MacNicol and Christine Baranski in Addams Family Values. They show us that "anyone, no matter how odd or pale or chubby, can still have a darn good time...whether they like it or not."

"White meat aaaand dark meat, take it away!"



Blogger's note: I'm pretty sure that the actress who plays David Krumholtz's mom (and delivers the line: "Twenty grand fuh summah camp, he's "Mistah Woo Woo") was also Bitsy von Muffling in Sex and the City. Yep, a quick IMDB search confirms. I am so smart.

Oh, and in case you want to teach your children "The Thanksgiving Story According to Wednesday Addams", here's a handy transcript:

You have taken the land which is rightfully ours.
Years from now, my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations.
Your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs.
We will sell our bracelets by the roadsides.
You will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres.
My people will have pain and degradation.
Your people will have stick shifts.
The gods of my tribe have spoken.
They have said, "Do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."
And for all these reasons, I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

Auburn and Me: A Love Story

After the disaster that was Alabama/Auburn Day 1988, I always had a t-shirt for Alabama/Auburn day, and my decision of which team's colors I would wear was based on pleasing my constituents. I found that if I wore Auburn colors, other Auburn kids paid little attention, and Alabama kids were belligerent. If I wore Alabama colors, Auburn kids still paid little attention, and Alabama kids' behavior towards me was much more favorable. For those reasons, I called myself an "Alabama Fan" until middle school.

The truth was, over time I really had grown to prefer Auburn over Alabama. Auburn and LSU were both "Tigers", which felt natural, and as I was blossoming into womanhood, I couldn't help but recognize that Auburn's colors of orange and blue were much more flattering to my hair color and complexion than Alabama's crimson and white. Auburn was geographically further from Birmingham, which appealed to my independent side, and their fans, while warm and welcoming, generally didn't push their agenda on me. They weren't trying so hard to win me over, and I found their indifference alluring. It felt like Auburn was shrouded in a cloud of mystery. This intrigued me, and made me want Auburn all the more.


Auburn: The Mr. Big to my Carrie

 Did I choose Auburn based on colors, mascots, geography, and playing hard-to-get? Pretty much. I was a kid. How was I supposed to base my decision? I thought both schools were great, academically. I couldn't base my decision on their varied curriculum, because I didn't know what I wanted to be. I just knew where I wanted to be. Incidently, I still don't know what I want to be.

Most of my childhood friends were Alabama fans, and I tried really hard to be an Alabama fan. Crimson Tide football is exhilarating, the kinship that exists amongst the fans is evident and their enthusiasm is infectious. As a transplant into the state of Alabama, it would have been easier to become an Alabama fan. They have a rich tradition, including Bear Bryant and now 12 National Championships, and the most intense fans I have ever encountered. Why wouldn't I want to be a part of that? One could justify being an Alabama fan if for no other reason than it is easier to be "with them" than "against them".

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day...would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?"

I could go on and on about why I chose Auburn instead of Alabama, but I'll let another "Sam" explain it. Sam Baldwin from Sleepless in Seattle, of course:

"Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together...and I knew it...it was like coming home...only to no home I'd ever known. It was like...magic. "

It was like magic, just like Tom Hanks said. I promised you a love story, and by George, you're getting a love story!

I visited Tuscaloosa and Auburn many times, and when I was in Auburn, I felt at home in my surroundings, and when Auburn won, I found myself caring more. During one visit to Auburn, I was attending the Iron Bowl as an Alabama fan, with Alabama fans, and Alabama won. I found myself gazing into Auburn's student section and wanting to be part of it. That's when I realized I'd rather lose with Auburn than win with Alabama. It's the only way to be an Auburn fan, since any Alabama fan will quickly point out that they are historically more victorious than Auburn. I guess my love for Auburn is less about the winning (though the winning is really fun) and more about the spirit of Auburn, the quaint and lovely town, and the people.

 "I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else."

As for the Iron Bowl? It's always a day I just have to get through. I have never enjoyed it. Whether the game is played in Tuscaloosa or Auburn, whether Auburn wins or loses, I always manage to wander past the wrong tailgate and get verbally assaulted and physically threatened. I don't have a thick enough skin to withstand the intensity. It's like staring at the sun.

I'm Giving Parenthood Another Try

The TV show, not actual parenthood. Parenthood is the best thing to ever happen to me. The TV show, Parenthood, not so much. I decided to give it another shot because of a strong endorsement from a friend whose opinion I value, and I wasn't disappointed with the season premiere.

I only watched a couple of episodes last season, and I totally forgot that Joy Bryant is on the show. She plays the role of Jasmine, ex-girlfriend of Crosby (Dax Shepard) and single mom to the son Crosby didn't know he had. Sidenote: Concealing the existance of a child from one of its parents is one of my favorite themes in television and film.

Steve doesn't like to brag about his brushes with fame, but he met Joy Bryant once when she visited his golf shop to buy a present for her dad a few years ago. I was impressed that Steve recognized her, because although she is beautiful, she wasn't a household name and I didn't expect Steve to be familiar with her work. Apparently, being hot is all it takes to be memorable for Steve, and it helped that she offered up that she's an actress in conversation with Steve.

Steve: I met Joy Bryant today.
Me: The actress, Joy Bryant? Was she nice?
Steve: Yeah. I told her The Skeleton Key is your favorite movie and she seemed surprised. She was like, "Really?"
Me: I bet she was. You told her The Skeleton Key is my favorite movie?
Steve: Isn't it?
Me: No. It's a good movie, but it is not my favorite.
Steve: Why not?
Me: "Favorite" status is reserved for classics like Gone with the Wind or The Godfather.Your favorite movie says a lot about you. People judge you based on it.
Steve: So what's your favorite movie then? Legally Blonde or Old School?
Me: [sigh] Gone with the Wind is what I say is my favorite movie. Old School is my favorite movie. Get it?

Kate Hudson and Joy Bryant in The Skeleton Key

The Worst Movies of the Past Decade

I should specify, these are the worst movies I've seen in the past decade. I don't make it a habit of viewing garbage, so my list is missing a lot of the titles you'll find on the movie critics' "worst films" compilations. Noticeably absent from my list: I Know Who Killed Me, Gigli, Battlefield Earth, The Hottie and the Nottie, any movie with the word "Movie" in the title, and any Eddie Murphy film. Unless you review movies for a living or possess a blind devotion to the stars of the more obviously awful movies, seeing these notorious stinkers is the cinematic equivalent of "Eww, take a bite of this sandwich, it's nasty." Really? Why would I do that? I wouldn't. But, I have managed to see some real crap anyway. Here's the rundown:

Marie Antoinette

This movie cost me my movie selection privileges with my husband, because it came at the end of a long string of whopping awful movies I had chosen for us to see. I admire Sofia Copolla's work, especially The Virgin Suicides, and I thought that a historical movie in her style of filmmaking was sure to be spectacular. Admittedly, it is a visually beautiful film, but I felt cheated out of the plot and storyline I was expecting. There's no guillotine, just lots and lots of cake.

Heartbreakers

When Steve and I were dating, we saw movies all the time. When you're part of a couple who sees movies regularly, you eventually run out of movies to see. It becomes more about going on a date with your boyfriend than actually seeing a decent movie. And that's the story of how we decided to buy two tickets to Heartbreakers. We've seen a lot of crappy movies together, but this is the only one we've ever walked out of. We still laugh about that to this day when we watch movies. We say things like, "Oh, that movie wasn't great, but it wasn't Heartbreakers bad!" I'm afraid we aren't alone in that sentiment, which is why I can't recall seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt on the big screen ever since. Ray Liotta disappointed me most of all. How could Henry Hill lead me so far astray?

Because I Said So

This movie is the cinematic equivalent of pineapple upside down cake. I like pineapple [juice, mixed with gin], I like being upside down, and everyone knows I adore cake. But...I really don't like pineapple upside down cake. Because I Said So is a romantic comedy that combines Mandy Moore (love her) with Diane Keaton (love, love her) and love interests Gabriel Macht and Tom Everett Scott (adorable boys!) How could that get screwed up? Diane Keaton portrays the most grating, meddling, nagging, unaware character since Bill Murray's What About Bob?, repeating the title of the film over, and over, and over and over and over. I wanted to walk out of this too, but it stopped just short of being Heartbreakers-bad. As a result of viewing this film in it's entirety, I refused to see the Mandy Moore/John Krasinski film License to Wed, after reading reviews indicating that Robin Williams' character was perhaps even more irritating than Diane Keaton's in Because I Said So. Mandy, when choosing your next film, I am happy to read the script for you and tell you if it's gonna make people want to stab themselves. I will offer my services free of charge. I'd consider it community service. xoxo

Crossroads

Ok, I knew that this vanity project for Britney Spears was going to be just rotten. It's the cinematic equivalent [yeah, I'm full of analogies today] of a rich little girl stomping her foot and saying "Daddy, I want a pony!" and that pony magically appearing. It's not a blue ribbon pony, not by any means. In fact, it might be a mule. At any rate, that's what I think of this movie. We all knew this movie would suck, but as Britney fans we didn't care. We just had to see it, in the same way we can't pass up the opportunity to pop a zit. Sidenote: what happened to Taryn Manning? Even Steve noticed that she played the pseudo-skanky sidekick in every film of the last decade (and I liked it). We need more of her.

Monster-in-Law

Ever had your heart set on renting a movie at Blockbuster, but everybody else got there before you and rented all the good movies? Yes you have, that's why Blockbuster is going under and you're signed up for Netflix. Anywho, I faced those exact circumstances, which is how I came to rent Monster-in-Law. I roll my eyes when I think of what a diva Jennifer Lopez is, but I liked her in The Wedding Planner, so I thought I'd give her another try. If they showed this movie to prisoners in Guantanamo Bay it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Over Her Dead Body

I have to ask: what movie didn't get made so that this movie could get the green light? Seriously, what movie was being considered by the studios, but the producers said, "No, let's make Over Her Dead Body instead. It's brilliant!" I have to believe people lost their jobs over this.

The Sweetest Thing

I think this movie billed itself as American Pie for chicks. I love American  Pie, and I love chicks, but if the great American female buddy comedy requires maggots, exploding toilets and excessive inclusion of bodily fluids, I'll speak on behalf of women everywhere and say "No thank you." This movie is disgusting and not at all funny.

Just Married

Just Married? How about just not? This movie was even more annoying than the celebrity couple it spawned while the actors did publicity for this movie. I have a soft spot for Brittany Murphy, but Ashton Kutcher bugs me so much, I wouldn't even want him to valet my car.


Love Happens

As the title promises, love happens...but I suspect it would happen a lot less often if it were as much of a drudgery as watching this box office bomb. I only watched it because I was in the hospital after Robinson was born and there was nothing else on TV. I suppose I could have just turned the TV off, but the movie actually helped me fall asleep. I guess it has some redeeming value.

The Stepford Wives

This movie is as bad as Nicole Kidman's Botox. I should have known this when I purchased The Stepford Wives from the $3.00 used DVD bin at Blockbuster because it was cheaper to purchase it than to rent it.

Sweet November

Keanu is an arrogant, intense career man. Charlize is a quirky wild woman who invites him to spend November with her when he is fired from his job. It's funny, right? WRONG! As she is teaching him the fine art of finding his inner child (this is a service she provides to men on a one-month basis) we discover Charlize has a secret. Spoiler: She's dying. There, now you know how it ends and don't have to see this awful slop. You can send me a muffin basket to say "thanks".


The Lake House

It's a love story about a man and a woman who live in the same lake house two years apart and fall in love through letter-writing correspondence with the use of a magical mailbox that transports these letters back and forth through time: between the years 2006 and 2008. Yeah, there's no way this movie could be good. I was instantly intrigued and determined to find out 1. How in the hell do they do that? 2. Why make a movie involving time travel that travels such a short distance through time? Most time travel movies [and by "most" I mean the Back to the Future movies] travel at least one generation in time. And 3. Who writes letters anymore? I had to find out what happens to Sandra and Keanu. I'll tell you the same thing my mom told me about My Girl when I was nine: "He dies in the end."  Ugh.

Georgia Rule

This film was made early in the Lindsay Lohan Tour of Self-Destruction. Dina Lohan firmly established her pattern of delusion by insisting that nothing was the matter with Lindsay and that she could win the Oscar for her role in Georgia Rule. Pfft. Jane Fonda uses the line "Georgia Rule" early and often, just as Diane Keaton did with "Because I said so!" Jane plays Lindsay's grandmother, Georgia. Georgia has rules, you see. She is one tough cookie, and she doesn't take kindly to people who break her rules. What are some of Georgia's rules, you ask? Here are just a few of the rules that make Lindsay Lohan's character go, "Ugh, no wonder Mom hates you."

1. We eat at six. Georgia Rule.
2. We wash our dishes. Georgia Rule.
3. Aces are low. Georgia Rule. 
4. Don't take the Lord's name in vain. Georgia Rule. 
5. You live here, you work. Georgia Rule. 
6. No physical fighting in the front yard in front of the neighbors. Georgia Rule.

Umm, I don't mean to rain on your sassy parade, but aren't these pretty much everybody's rules?


all photos via All Movie Photo

My DVD Collection is More Embarrassing Than Your DVD Collection

I'm almost two months into this journey called motherhood, and I expected to have blogged more about the adventure. What can I say about being a mom so far? Rob looks super cute in his camo onesie, I find his burps impossibly charming, Pampers Swaddlers are my diaper of choice. I'll blog about all of these things, then I'll sell the movie rights. It's fascinating, compelling stuff. If my new life as a mom were made into a movie, I wouldn't want it to be some kind of Oscar Award darling like Slumdog Millionaire, no sir-ee. Those films are seen once or twice in the theatre, possibly purchased on DVD to add to your collection and make you seem sophisticated, but are rarely viewed or quoted. Nope, I'd rather go down in infamy--as a guilty pleasure movie. I'm talking Weekend at Bernie's, people. You know what I mean: the movies we all know and love, even if we hesitate to admit it for fear of ridicule.

Clearly, I have no pride or fear of ridicule, as demonstrated in my sometimes embarrassingly candid blog posts. I'm so revealing, I stop just short of showing you my stretch marks...but I will admit that I have stretch marks. In need of further proof that I have no shame? This real phone conversation took place last Saturday:

Amy: What are you doing?
Me: Laying on the couch, watching My Girl 2
Amy: What?! Don't tell me that!
Me: No?
Amy: No! Make something up. Jeez.

Pfft. Whatevs. If you can't tell your bestie that you're watching a forgettable, never-should-have-been-made-in-the-first-place movie sequel on basic cable, who can you tell? It's not like I ordered it off of Netflix. This got me thinking more about guilty pleasure movies: What are they, and why do we love them so?

To me, a guilty pleasure movie is a film that you secretly love, watch repeatedly, and includes at least one of the following components:

1. A complete lack of redeeming social or artistic value (see: Joe Dirt)

2. A commercial and/or critical failure-including straight-to-DVD movies (see: Willard)

3. A musical (see: Grease 2)

4. A film that has not withstood the test of time (see: Working Girl)

5. A film that could only appeal to a small, specific group of people (see: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun)

Here is just an overview of my favorite guilty pleasure films. I've mentioned some of them before. You may recognize some of these as your own personal faves, and you may also unearth some buried treasure. You're welcome!

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

It's Christina Applegate at her finest and it's like opening a 1990's time capsule. Also, there's the backyard fashion show that can't be missed.

"Oh, how ya doin Mom? Yeah, no everything's fine. No, Mrs. Sturak's not here. She um, she went to the yarn store. Yeah, she's crocheting this massive doily for the couch! I...I gotta go Mom."

Mamma Mia
It's a musical. 007 sings, Karen from Mean Girls gets married (or does she?) and Meryl Streep shows us a side we've never seen before (did you know that was possible? Neither did I) in a role many felt was miscast. ("many" = "me")

"I don't care if you slept with hundreds of men, you're my mom, and I love you so much."

The Lather Effect
What a positively horrible title. This film wasn't released in theatres, but when a Connie Britton, Peter Facinelli, Tate Donovan, Ione Skye, Eric Stoltz movie comes on Showtime, you sit down and watch it. Now that I think about it, the presence of Peter Facinelli in a film is like a barometer for whether a movie will be good. He's not the most prolific or high profile actor of our generation, but everything I've seen him in I have loved. This movie bills itself is as "A 'Big Chill' for Generation X!", but if you're sitting here wondering what "Big Chill" means or what "Generation X" means, or if your answer to the question, "What is Generation X?" is "my children's generation", this movie isn't for you. Great soundtrack, though.

“So remember, my friends, if you’re going to rinse and repeat always beware the extra bubbles."

Student Bodies
It's a low-budget horror spoof from 1981 starring a cast of unknown actors. You're gonna hate it.

"Hasn't there been enough senseless killing? Let's have a murder that makes sense!"

Muriel's Wedding
Muriel's an Australian misfit who moves to the big city with her best friend to reinvent herself and live the life she's dreamed of. Oh, and the soundtrack of her life is by Abba.

"When I lived in Porpoise Spit, I used to sit in my room for hours and listen to Abba songs. But since I've met you and moved to Sydney, I haven't listened to one Abba song. That's because my life is as good as an Abba song. It's as good as Dancing Queen."

Soapdish
This movie is as ridiculous as it is star-studded. It's campy and over-the-top; so much so that you know they're in on the joke. Ladies, you'd be hard-pressed to get your man to sit through it, but I'm telling you it's comic gold.

"Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range."

Three Men and a Baby
I didn't know this was a guilty pleasure movie until I suggested watching it one day and my entire family mocked me. What? It's a classic 80's film, it was directed by Mr. Spock, it has a music video montage, it has Ted Danson in drag, and it was the highest grossing film of 1987. If that's not enough to convince you, then here are the only two words that matter: Steve Guttenburg (muy caliente!)

"I had to go to four different stores to buy four different kids of formula. Three different kids of diapers, bottles, towels, you have no idea how much crap these kids need."

God Said "Ha!"
What do you mean, you've never heard of Julia Sweeney's one woman show that tells the story of the worst year of her life--she and her brother were both diagnosed with cancer, and her entire family moved in with her--and she tells her story with a quiet, sweet humor and poignancy that is rare in entertainment today? Still not convinced it's a gem? I dare you to watch only fifteen minutes of it and change the channel. You won't be able to do it.

Pee Wee's Big Adventure
It's so much more than just a tale of a boy and his bike. It's Tim Burton's directorial debut, and has some of the best one-liners.

"You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Marilyn may not have invented the dumb blonde persona, but she perfected it. Her Lorelei Lee is funny and silly, while at the same time vulnerable and endearing. Along with sassy, wise-cracking Jane Russell it's absolute perfection.

"You DO wear it on your head. I just LOVE finding new places to wear diamonds!"

Can't Hardly Wait
I wouldn't have to search far to find someone who loves this movie as much as I do, provided I find somebody who attended high school in the 90s like me. This movie was not a commercial success, but has risen to cult status with its fans (I think...I don't know how you verify something like that)

"Yo, I gotta have sex tonight! I mean peep this - They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active...It means I gots a ninety-two percent chance of embarrassing myself. I roll up on that shorty be like, "What's up yo?" she be like, "You don't know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa" cuz I don't yo."

Imitation of Life
A deliciously melodramatic tale of race, class, family, love, and sacrifice. Served with an extra helping of saccharine-sweet fluffy goodness. I prefer the 1959 version, mainly for Sandra Dee.

"Don't you believe in chasing rainbows?"

Beaches
It's a musical, it's a tearjerker, it's a story told in flashbacks, and it contains heavy doses of brassy Bette Midler.

"What the hell is this, a piano bar or a Nazi work camp? I'm singing my heart out for bupkus, peanuts. I'm eating dog food and you can't even give me fifty dollars you already owe me?"