We're Missing a Theme Here

How much did you love Glee's Britney/Brittany episode? I think it definitely lived up to all the hype!

Ya know what I've been thinking about for a while now? I've wondered why Glee doesn't have a theme song and opening title sequence. They're a group of song-and-dance people, a theme song musical production number seems right down their alley. Remember how they used to film a new one each year for The Cosby Show? I think I know why they don't have one--most of today's network programs have an abbreviated opening title sequence or none at all. Or they had one for the first few seasons and later abandoned it (Grey's Anatomy). My best guess is that, with the high cost of advertising for programming, show producers want to make the most out of their air time and save precious seconds for program content instead of the opening title sequence. Am I on to something? Anybody? Anybody?

It makes sense to me, but I think today's shows are missing that little something extra by not having a theme song...guaranteed immortality. Many shows would fade into obscurity altogether if not for a memorable theme song (The Greatest American Hero). Other shows who only enjoyed a short television run are ingrained in pop culture thanks to a theme song everybody knows (Gilligan's Island). There are many sitcoms I grew up loving, and while I may not be able to recall the plot points of many episodes (Tootie feels left out, DJ crash diets to prepare for Kathy Santone's pool party, Cherie Johnson plays hide-and-seek in a refrigerator and Punky teaches all of us how to do CPR) I can still sing the theme songs. It helps us to share in our nostalgia. Years after these classic shows are cancelled, the theme song is sort of all we have left in our memories. That, along with the brilliant way that theme song played over a montage of each character, culminating in some sort of group activity (food fight! riding a rollercoaster! horesplaying in a fountain!) I can sing the entire Growing Pains theme song, but I only remember the plot of one episode. Mike and Boener move into an apartment above the garage. I have never watched an episode of M*A*S*H, but I can hum the entire theme. Here are just some of the "greats"

The Classic Montage:
The Facts of Life


Charles in Charge

Family Ties

Punky Brewster

Happy Days
Laverne & Shirley
The Golden Girls



Let's Meet the Cast:
The Wonder Years

Growing Pains

Save By the Bell
Full House
Family Matters


A Catchy Little Tune:
The Andy Griffith Show
The Addams Family
Sanford & Son
Magnum P.I.
Dallas
St. Elsewhere
M*A*S*H
Law & Order
Roseanne
Sex and the City
The Office

What's this show about, anyway?:
The Brady Bunch
Gilligan's Island
The Beverly Hillbillies
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

An Entertaining Song and Dance:
The Cosby Show

Blossom


The Theme Song is a Classic All its Own
Ally McBeal

The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Jeffersons
Friends
Scrubs
Cheers


Picture Collage!
My Two Dads

Mr. Belvedere
Webster
Mad About You

Cupcake Bandits

Steve offered to stop by the grocery store on the way home from work yesterday. I was grateful, and asked for basics like milk, eggs, bread, and cheese. He came home with chocolate chip cookie dough, Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Klondike Bars, Pop Tarts, and a dozen cupcakes from the Kroger bakery. As I awoke this morning to make a pot of coffee, I noticed three cupcakes were missing. I called Steve to investigate the matter:

Me: So, did you have cupcakes for breakfast?
Steve: Um, no...
Me: Well, three cupcakes are gone and the lid wasn't clicked shut.
Steve: Shut up!
Me: Um, no...the cupcakes had plastic footballs and #1 hands sticking out of them, and I found a couple of #1's in the living room. The cupcakes are sitting directly in front of the coffee maker, or else I wouldn't have noticed, because cupcakes are the last thing I'm thinking about at 7:00 in the morning.
Steve: Cupcakes are not the last thing you are thinking about.
Me: Fine, but today I wasn't thinking about cupcakes, but there they were.

Personally, I like Libby for the job. She's scrappy and has nothing to lose. Steve thinks Laney is the only one the the stealth and grace to take three cupcakes without taking the whole tray to the floor. Then again, maybe this was the work of a professional...

Three Mutts Photo Album



via Awkward Family Pet Photo

Michael Bolton Gets Sent to Live on a Farm

I knew Michael Bolton was getting da boot last night, and I didn't even have to consult my Magic 8 Ball.  What I didn't expect was for Michael to take judge Bruno Tonioli to task for his harsh criticism. Our "Soul Provider" put Bruno on blast, calling him "rude" and "disrespectful". He didn't have the cajones to say it to Bruno's face, though. He said it to Brooke Burke's microphone in the little off-stage holding room for the dancers. Way to be assertive, Mike. When I tell people off, I enjoy direct eye contact. It demonstrates a level of respect I think that person deserves, and it helps me to know that my message really resonates. But your way is good, too.

Bruno's job is to judge a ballroom dancing competition, and his schtick is to say flamboyant, outrageous things. Michael and Chelsie's jive performance, from what little I understand about ballroom, demonstrated everything that is wrong with ballroom dance. For Michael to be offended that Bruno said "That's the worst jive I've seen in 11 years" and not be offended by Len Goodman's more colorfully worded "That needed a pooper scooper" critique, is baffling. For Michael to be offended by criticism at all is sort of like a matador wearing red and then being furious when the bull charges him. My point is, Michael was asking for ridicule and should have expected it.

If he wants to be mad, he should blame Chelsie Hightower. She should have known better. Now, if she decided she didn't want to be on the show, or that after being partnered with Jake Pavelka last season and Michael Bolton this season that she'd had enough of all this and just wants to go to Oktoberfest, she did exactly the right thing. That dance was ballroom suicide.

If she maintains that she thought this dog concept was a winning idea and that she sincerely acted in Michael Bolton's best interests, well then this dancer's judgment is so flawed, I wouldn't allow her to dog sit for my mutts.

Boulevard of Broken Outfits

My next big purchase is going to be a DSLR camera. I love how I say "my" next big purchase, when I have an income of *zero* dollars. I'm full of jokes today! Until then, I'm still working with the point-and-click my grandparents gave me for Christmas 2004. It's been a great camera. I'm still working with the original memory card. I thought about buying a new memory card, but at this point it doesn't make much sense to do that. Instead, I occasionally go through and delete old pictures. At this point, that memory card holds only my most favorite moments from 2004 to present. It documents puppies, babies, my bachelorette party (Holla!), Auburn football games, vacations. Good times. Another thing I noticed as I was delete-delete-deleting was all the pictures of me in beloved outfits I no longer have.

Join me won't you, as I journey through the graveyard of my wardrobe!

Purchased: 2004

From: Banana Republic

The Story: A beloved one shoulder size 4 top (whoop whoop), it combines my love for metallic and orange

Where is it now?: Packed away in a tub of clothes I won't part with, despite no longer being a B-cup.

Purchased: 2005

From: Bebe

The Story: It's the freakin weekend, baby, and that's all the reason 23-year-old Samantha needs to buy a new outfit!

Where is it now?: No clue. The color washes me out, and it's just about backless. I think I gave it away?

Purchased: 2005

From: Laney's Place (a boutique in Homewood, Alabama)

The Story: A Christmas gift from my mom. I love this top!

Where is it now?: After dragging in late one night, I carelessly left this top on the floor. Puppy George chewed the shoulder. Pretty sure I cried.

Purchased: 2005

From: Bebe

The Story: Just another cute going out top that made me feel like a million bucks, but not like I'm trying too hard.

Where is it now?: Missing in Action

Purchased: 2006

From: White House Black Market

The Story: My bridesmaid, Kristen, had a cute idea for me to wear white to my bachelorette party, while all my bridesmaids wear black. It was a lot of fun and the pictures turned out great. Since it was the middle of winter, these winter white pants were all I could find, and the hems were completely destroyed by the dirty floor of Mako's in Atlanta

Where is it now?: In an alteration pile at my mom's house, I think. She has repeatedly tried to stain treat these pants and may try to shorten the hem and remove the damaged fabric at a later date. I think it's a moot point now.

Purchased: 2006

From: Saks Fifth Avenue (Theory)

The Story: I bought this for my bridesmaids luncheon. It now features loose and missing rhinestones and is tinged with self tanner.

Where is it now: In a bag to go to the dry cleaners for two years. As if it could be saved.

Purchased: 2006

From: Saks Fifth Avenue (BCBG)

The Story: Favorite top of all time. It's beautiful silk, in just the perfect shade of green, with wooden beading.

Where is it now?: George got a hold of it and gnawed the wooden beads off and chewed the zipper at the hem. I kept it hanging in my closet for two more years after that, convincing myself that I would wear it anyway and that nobody would notice the missing beads.

Purchased: 2006

From: The Auburn University Bookstore

The Story: I bought it the day before the game, right after arriving from Dallas

Where is it now? Oh, I still have it. Washing and drying this shirt was the last act of laundry I permitted Steve to do in our house. I think it would fit Laney now.

Purchased: 2004

From: Arden B

The Story: There was a time when I would buy anything that was green. In 2004, camisole tops were so hot. Most people would be thrown off by a top that doesn't allow for a bra, but not me.

Where is it now?: I loved it enough to save it, but the plastic ring that adjusts the strap is broken

Purchased: 2005

From: Bebe

The Story: Saw it in a mailer from Bebe, fell in love with it and bought it, despite it being a terrible color for me.

Where is it now?: I gave it to Amy

Purchased: 2006

From: Saks Fifth Avenue (BCBG)

The Story: I can't explain this. That band across the top is fully sequined, too.

Where is it now? Tucked safely away. I now leave this sort of dressing to JWoww.

Purchased: 2006

From: A boutique sale in Atlanta

The Story: As I said, there was a time when I would buy anything green

Where is it now? I hope I gave it away, it will never be appropriate for me to wear again

Purchased: 2007

From: BCBG

The Story: I needed a new top to wear on the Girls Beach Trip. This was on sale. And it was green.

Where is it now?: I gave it away to somebody who might want to look pregnant.

So Good, So Good, So Good!

Put the champagne on ice, honey--I've waited years for this day to finally come. It makes me almost as proud as the day I graduated from college. This took longer.

After 72 equal monthly payments, My 2004 Jeep Grand Cherokee, affectionately known as "Caroline" is PAID IN FULL.

Caroline is a special lady. I bought her right after I began working at my first job after college. It was more than I could afford, but I wanted to buy something new, that I liked, that wasn't going to look old and dated in a couple of years, and I planned to drive that little mama until the wheels completely fall off and I'm calling AAA from the side of the road to say that Caroline finally went peacefully. Hopefully sometime around 2020.

This achievement fulfills Item #1 on my list of 101 Things in 1001 Days: Pay off my car.

I'm bursting with pride. Bursting, I tell you.

Three Mutts Photo Album

via Cake Wrecks

DWTS Week 2; OR "Michael Bolton's Last Shred of Dignity is Stripped from Him on National TV"

The second title is wordier, but more accurate. Here's a stream-of-consciousness rundown of my thoughts from last night's episode, as I was feeding Robinson:

• I am bummed I no longer have a reason to shout "Don't Hassle the Hoff!" at my television. I'll now have to return to saying it to Steve whenever the mood strikes.
• I would like to replace The Situation with Albie Manzo. Just a suggestion.
• Yay to Margaret Cho for her graceful descent down the stairs. I am relieved to see she is sans cape. In related news: her dress is made from the bed linens from my freshman dorm room.

• What in Cruella deVille hell is Michael Bolton wearing?
• Brandy looks like she's wearing the "Naughty Schoolgirl" Halloween costume from Electrique Boutique.
• Rick Fox is so charming. I'm pretty sure if he ever made direct eye contact with me I would blush and stammer. It's just a theory.
• Ok, Tom and Brooke keep referencing The Hoff's early departure like it's Jennifer Hudson and Chris Daughtry's American Idol eliminations: the sequel. It isn't.
• I hate to see sweet Audrina cry, but I love that when she cries she flaps her hands in front of her face.
• I love Florence Henderson's frequent and (not) subtle digs at Cloris Leachman. In Flo's defense, Cloris did behave like a dementia patient most of the time she appeared on Dancing with the Stars.
• OMG! Ith Thindy Brady!
• Ugh. Can Maksim/Brandy and Derek/Jennifer switch partners? I've worked with Russians and African Americans, and it's explosive. Like Mentos and Diet Coke. Brandy and Maks are doomed. Also, I love Jennifer Grey and find Derek Hough to be a complete tool. Moving on.
• I have no interest in seeing Brandy perform, unless she's dancing to "The Boy is Mine" or "Sittin up in My Room". Also, she is so over-animated in her reactions to the judges critiques. I feel like I'm watching Moesha: The Musical. What I'm saying is, she's awful.
• Chelsie Hightower, if  you didn't want to participate in DWTS this year, why didn't you just say so? Did you have to take Michael Bolton down with you?
• Michael's descent into humiliation: he howls and barks to his dance music, he agrees to crawl out of a dog house, he wears a surgical mask to rehearsal. This is more awkward than my entire sixth grade year.
• Michael Bolton: "This is not Whatever Land." I've been looking for a new catch phrase. Thanks, Michael!
• Ouch. Bruno says Michael's jive is the worst he's seen in 11 years. Nail, meet coffin.
• The judges critique their performance. I've never heard so many euphemisms for "You Suck". 
• Sweet Carrie Ann Inaba says it best: You're Michael Bolton and you crawled out of there. Yes he did, Carrie Ann. Yes he did. The real question is, did crawling out of the dog house, howling, and standing with a bone in his mouth degrade him so completely that we can now forget what used to be the most embarrassing thing about him:

• Hint: I'm talking about his hair. Just remember, Michael: Nothing heals a broken heart like "Time, Love and Tenderness"
• Brooke Burke is trying so hard to be nice. She even tries to tell a sweet story about a time when she was humiliated on national television when she forgot her jive routine...too bad she went on to win the whole thing and now has a hosting gig on the show. Not quite the same thing, is it?
• I'm loving that blue dress Audrina is wearing. I'm told that shade of blue is not my color. She improved, which is great, but Tony lost a bet he made, that if they didn't score three 8's he would wax his legs. Bruno gave him a 7. Bruno's been a little bitch tonight.
• I want Jennifer's dress. I have no occasion to wear a dress like that, so I imagine I'd just vacuum while wearing it. Sounds like a good time.
• While lying on the dance floor recovering, Jennifer spends an uncomfortable amount of time with her head in Derek's lap. To be fair, anybody's head in Derek Hough's lap makes me uncomfortable.
• We get to chat with Sarah Palin. I love her use of the word "exuberance" and her ability to make a hockey reference at a ballroom competition.
• Good job Margaret. If sincerity counts, she might be the most deserving winner.
• Kurt Warner performs nicely. Next.
• The Situation. I can't believe all of America has agreed to call a 27-year-old man "The Situation". Next.
• Mark and Bristol journey home to Alaska to meet Sarah. Because, ya know, that's where Sarah always can be found. The meet and greet is about as awkward and embarrassing as any teenage girl introducing a man to her mom. I love the part where Sarah asks Mark how he taught Bristol to shimmy. As if Sarah doesn't know how to shimmy. Child, please!
• Who did Bristol piss off in the wardrobe department this week? That purple dress is heinous.
• I've read that the producers select the music. Do they have an agenda with Bristol? Last week she performed to "Mama Told Me (Not to Come). This week, "You Can't Hurry Love." I see a theme here. (Hint: It's "don't have sex")

Obviously, America has a "bone" to pick with Michael Bolton. He really deserves to be sent to "the pound" for that performance, so he'll probably be "unleashed" in tonight's elimination. He'd probably rather be "put to sleep". And...I'm finished with this show.

The Bedtime Routine

We began the bedtime routine last night. I'm told it's what conscientious, responsible parents do for their children. It instills a sense of normalcy and stability in a child. I like both of those things, so I decided it was time to give it a try. We've been letting him sleep in the bed with us. A warm, cozy baby is a baby who sleeps through the night. Some parents will never know the joy and the luxury of having a four-week-old baby who sleeps for seven straight hours. We do, but from what I understand, having a co-sleeping baby who sleeps through the night is akin to a baseball player taking HGH. It's cheating. Having Robinson all snuggled up in my nook is the closest thing to putting him back in the womb. Of course he sleeps through the night. Let's see him sleep through the night in his very own crib, then we'll brag.

We've made no attempt to schedule any part of his day up to this point. I always thought that was something you do later, when the baby is older. I spoke to other parents who have babies close to Robinson's age, and their babies' days are so structured, our house is like the Wild West in comparison. Not wanting to be viewed as mavericks, I decided to get with the program. Our little Doc Holiday just got himself a bedtime.

10:00 - Bath. Ok, I'm pretty sure all the responsible parents started the bedtime ritual a couple of hours ago, but this was sort of spontaneous on my part. Plus, Steve doesn't get home until 8:00 and I wanted him to be able to spend time with Robinson.

10:15 - Storytime. For our very first bedtime story, I read The Giving Tree. By the second page: "Once there was a tree...and she loved a little boy." My voice cracks and my eyes fill with tears. Again with the tears! My life has turned into a freakin' Hallmark Hall of Fame Movie. Everything is so touching and poignant, I just can't help but display emotion.

I summon my inner Kindergarten teacher, and do my best to read the story with enthusiasm and inflection. He was still wide awake, so I read The Sneetches. Now he's sleepy.
10:30 - Lights Out. Rob's in his crib. He looks impossibly cute in his new footie pajamas. I turn on his Sleep Sheep (sound: The Ocean) and he's fast asleep.
11:07 - Crying. Ugh, already? I listen to him on the monitor for a few minutes, because Dr. N. says it's important that I give him a little time to try and console himself. I decide a bottle might be what he needs, so I head to the kitchen.

Steve: [super loudly, bursting into the nursery] Hey, little nugget!
Me: [hissing from the kitchen] Shhhh! Hey! Get in here now! [waving Munchkin formula hand mixer like a wand]

Steve: [bewildered] What?
Me: [sternly] Once bedtime begins, we do not entertain or otherwise engage him.
Steve: Jeez, sorry.
Me: We've been over this. We're trying to teach him that this is not "awake" time, and we can't do that if you go prancing in there like a freakin' marching band.
Steve: You're in charge.
Me: I don't make the rules. Listen to what I read: You are supposed to give him a chance to console himself, and if he can't, you calmly meet his needs: binkie, bottle, diaper, whatever, without getting him all stirred up...are you even listening?
Steve: You don't have to be so mean [he looks down at Libby as he says it, and she stares back up at him as if to say "I know that's right."]

Me: Well, I'm sorry, but I had to stop you before you go in there and start making balloon animals for the kid. He'll never simmer down.

"Samantha, the clown is an unnecessarily creepy touch."

I didn't mean to sound cross (as Hayley Mills would say), I just wanted to create a calm, ambient mood so he'll be sleepy and I didn't want anybody to disrupt it.

11:15 - Bottle. 4 ounces. Respectable. No burp. That's unusual. I spend 15 minutes trying to get a burp.
11:35 - Back in his crib. He's awake and content, but not for long...
11:42 - Crying. He goes through this cycle of crying and quieting down, always getting quiet just as I was about to give up on the possibility of Robinson self-soothing and check in on him.
12:35 - Check on him. It occurs to me that in the midst of all that crying, he could have burped and spit up, and that my sleeping baby might be sleeping in his spit up. Gross.
12:37 - All clear. Robinson is sleeping soundly and still clean as a whistle. I should try to sleep while I can...
4:10 - Hysterical. After several minutes, it becomes clear he isn't going to stop wailing. I feed him 2 more ounces, successfully burp him, change his diaper, and put him back to bed.
10:20 - Morning, Sunshine! I don't hear a peep from my monitor, which scares me. I peek in on him, and here he is, happy as a clam.

Assuming he's starving, I scurry off to make a bottle. I return to find him sucking his thumb and staring at the circles on his bumper.

I say hello, which startles him and he bursts into tears. I decide I should leave, since I'm the crazy mommy who scares her kid. He simmers down in a minute on his own. Time to feed him again. I proceed with caution...

All in all, I think last night was a success!

Three Mutts Photo Album

via White Trash World

We're Getting Old

Saturday Night Live premiered this past Saturday, and all it did was remind me that I'm getting old.

Exhibit A:
Location: Our bed
Time: approximately 11:00 pm

Katy Perry is performing

Steve: Katy Perry is hot.
Me: Yeah. She is.
Steve: You don't like her, do you?
Me: Nuh no, I like her. I bought her first album. But...do you think she's just...a little bit obnoxious?
Steve: All hot girls are a little bit obnoxious.
Me: They are? I didn't know that. Hmm...she seems a little gimicky to me.
Steve: I'm just glad to see a pop star who isn't blonde. I like brunettes.
Me: She dyes her hair...oh my gosh.
Steve: What is it?
Me: She's singing "California Gurls". This is "the song of the summer", that like, broke iTunes records, that all the kids are listening to. I've never heard it before, have you?
Steve: Ugh. We are getting old.

Exhibit B:
Time: approximately 11:15

After taking our nightly medication and pain reliever for various aches and pains, we fall asleep.

Exhibit C:
Time: Right now

I had to Google "California Gurls" to verify the spelling of the song title.

In conclusion: I'm not hip, I'm not down, I don't have the 411, I'm not diggin' what the kids are listening to. I'm such a square. [sigh.]

Misty Monday Morning

Misty: I want to start a furniture bank, like a food bank but for furniture. To donate furniture for people who are homeless or battered women.
Jarred: How 'bout you teach a furniture building seminar to homeless and battered women?
Misty: What?
Jarred: That way they have a chair and a skill.
Misty: No Jay.
Jarred: Remember Misty, you give a man a table, he eats for a day. you teach a man how to make a table, he eats for a lifetime.
Misty: Did you just make that up?
Jarred: Just dont be surprised when "Jay's Ottomans and Stuff" puts your furniture bank out of business.

Bristol Palin Shows Us How It's Done

Regardless of your political leanings, there is one matter on which we can all agree: Bristol Palin is exquisite. I love everything about this picture. I don't care if this is just a carefully crafted look specifically for the premiere of Dancing with the Stars. Not every "Star" who undergoes their ballroom makeover comes out looking this sensational (see: Shannen Doherty, Heather Mills, Melissa Joan Hart). Bristol is an elegant flower.

As you can see, I don't need lessons in how to be glamorous. All it takes is false eyelashes, a spray tan and industrial strength hairspray. Where I could use a little help is in the pose department. Here is how I would normally stand for a photo:

Boring! Sidenote: Pay no attention to the smooshed boobies. Now, check out Bristol with her partner, Mark Ballas:

Why didn't I think of this sooner? Why don't we always pose this way? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba I'm lovin' it! To me, it exemplifies glamour and grace, while playfully suggesting just enough sass to captivate. Let's break it down and explore all the reasons this picture makes me want to re-shoot my wedding photos:

1. By holding the left leg across her partner's body, it is elongates the leg, making her appear taller and thinner.
2. Holding up the left leg gives her partner something to do with his right hand, instead of just letting his arm hang by his side.
3. The lifted leg allows us to get a better look at her lovely footwear. I've always wished for a way to show off my shoes in photographs.
4. By facing inward, she de-emphasizes her bustline, allowing her other assets the opportunity to shine.
5. Two words: Booty Pop. 
6. This angle best accentuates the calves.

Whoop whoop Bristol! Way to bring the foxy!

Three Mutts Photo Album

via I'm Bringing Blogging Back

Three Mutts Photo Album

Michaele and Tareq Salahi are aging terribly!

via Poorly Dressed

Three Mutts Photo Album

via Oddly Specific

Katy Perry: Too Sexy for this 'Street'

To quote the great Russell Brand: "Today's Sesame Street will NOT be brought to you by the number 34 or the letter D."

Katy Perry filmed a music video duet with Elmo as part of Sesame Street's 41st season. This seems like a natural choice to me. Katy Perry is youthful and whimsical, she has a pretty singing voice, and the face of a Disney princess. Just look at those eyes!

Check out the rack on Ariel! Sorry, I got distracted. Anyways, during this two minute video, a spoof of Katy's song "Hot n Cold", she wears this dress that looks about as provocative as something you'd see at Smuckers Stars on Ice:

When previews of Sesame Street's upcoming season became available for online viewing, parents reacted harshly to what they felt was an inappropriate costume choice.

Cries of "Escandalo!" echoed through the blogosphere. Since Sesame Street is not in the business of creating controversy or angering parents, they made the decision not to air the segment.

What do Katy Perry, Ariel, Sasha Cohen, and your mom have in common? They have breasts. Preschoolers see cleavage, decollete, chests, whatever you want to call it, everyday.  Unless of course, they have two daddies instead of a mommy. Robinson is staring at my boobies right now.

Yes, Katy's chest and legs are visible in this video. What we don't see is her body being displayed in a sexual context. I've already blogged once this week about sexuality, age appropriateness, and the slutification* of America's children, even I am surprised that this video has created such controversy. Sesame Street has been on the air for over 40 years. Obviously the producers of this award-winning, well-respected American institution didn't find Katy's outfit too risque. I consider myself to err on the side of conservatism when it comes to the parenting choices I will make in the future, and having viewed this video I can say without hesitation that I would have no objections to allowing Rob to watch it. Where do I draw the line, you ask?

Right there.

Are we now to believe that a woman's body can be viewed as nothing more than a sexual object? Katy has to cover up so as not to be "sexy"? Personally, I think that the parents who complained are just a bunch of jealous haters who resent Katy and her lovely figure and they are projecting their own feelings about Katy Perry's sexual magnetism. This is America, and as long as women and mothers wear swimsuits, sports bras and tank tops in front of their children, children will continue to see cleavage.

All that being said, parents have the right to choose what is appropriate for their child to view. I'd like to offer up a solution so that Katy Perry can re-shoot her Elmo video without creating a firestorm of controversy:

"Samantha, did you just crudely photoshop Katy Perry's head on a poncho?" Why yes I did, gentle reader. Now Katy has been reduced to nothing more than a limbless torso that is fully concealed. Hopefully that won't violate the delicate moral code of America's parents.



*I just made that word up. It is the act of turning one slutty.

I'm Giving Parenthood Another Try

The TV show, not actual parenthood. Parenthood is the best thing to ever happen to me. The TV show, Parenthood, not so much. I decided to give it another shot because of a strong endorsement from a friend whose opinion I value, and I wasn't disappointed with the season premiere.

I only watched a couple of episodes last season, and I totally forgot that Joy Bryant is on the show. She plays the role of Jasmine, ex-girlfriend of Crosby (Dax Shepard) and single mom to the son Crosby didn't know he had. Sidenote: Concealing the existance of a child from one of its parents is one of my favorite themes in television and film.

Steve doesn't like to brag about his brushes with fame, but he met Joy Bryant once when she visited his golf shop to buy a present for her dad a few years ago. I was impressed that Steve recognized her, because although she is beautiful, she wasn't a household name and I didn't expect Steve to be familiar with her work. Apparently, being hot is all it takes to be memorable for Steve, and it helped that she offered up that she's an actress in conversation with Steve.

Steve: I met Joy Bryant today.
Me: The actress, Joy Bryant? Was she nice?
Steve: Yeah. I told her The Skeleton Key is your favorite movie and she seemed surprised. She was like, "Really?"
Me: I bet she was. You told her The Skeleton Key is my favorite movie?
Steve: Isn't it?
Me: No. It's a good movie, but it is not my favorite.
Steve: Why not?
Me: "Favorite" status is reserved for classics like Gone with the Wind or The Godfather.Your favorite movie says a lot about you. People judge you based on it.
Steve: So what's your favorite movie then? Legally Blonde or Old School?
Me: [sigh] Gone with the Wind is what I say is my favorite movie. Old School is my favorite movie. Get it?

Kate Hudson and Joy Bryant in The Skeleton Key

Deep in the Heart of Texas

I think Carrie Bradshaw once said you have to live in New York for ten years before you can call yourself a New Yorker.

When I first moved to Texas, a coworker told me that you have to live in Texas for ten years before you can call yourself a Texan. Texas has other sayings, too:

1. Don't mess with Texas
2. I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could
3. If you don't like the weather in Texas, wait 15 minutes
4. Everything's bigger in Texas
5. Hot enough for ya?

That last one is what you say to strangers or acquaintances to make small talk about the weather when it's the second week in a row of temperatures above 100 degrees and we're in a drought. It's meant to be funny and lighthearted. Everybody says it, including newscasters during the "friendly banter" portion of the broadcast.

Like New York, Texas has a distinctive identity that sets itself apart from other states, and its residents are filled with a kind of pride that could be mistaken for snobbery. Texans love being Texans. What I find interesting about Texas is that it's a state with a theme, the way New Orleans has Mardi Gras and beignets Las Vegas has gambling and Wayne Newton. Here are some things that make Texas "Texas";

1. westernwear
2. livestock
3. horses
4. firearms
5. flamboyance is celebrated and rewarded (i.e. flaunting of disposable income and a confidence to showcase fake boobs, hair extensions, acrylic nails, spray tans)
6. infusion of hispanic culture

I love living in Texas, but sort of figured I'd always be an Alabama girl at heart. Sort of like Texas is a sorority I'm not invited to pledge.

Today I was struck with the realization that after only four years of Texas residency, my assimilation may be complete and I may officially be Texan--and not just because tequila is my favorite liquor. No turning back now!

On our way home from the pediatrician, I was sitting at a red light and reading a sign that listed all the stores and restaurants in a nearby shopping center. One sign was for an Italian restaurant named "Josephine's", but in my head I pronounced it:

Hoe-suh-feens

I'm getting Spanglish all up in here!