Friday, May 14, 2010

Play Misty For Me

Idiotic co-workers are infuriating. Stories about other people's idiotic co-workers? Magical. Occasionally, my brother treats me to samples of the methadone-dipped ramblings of his co-worker, Misty. Over the years, I've read so many "Misty Quotes" that are saved forever in my Gmail archives, I thought I would share with you, my friends. I recommend reading this aloud to a friend while enjoying a Pabst Blue Ribbon and a Marlboro Red. In an effort to sift through the stupidity, the quotes are broken down by category for your reading pleasure.
Questions:
1. Do you have nice khaki’s? Like with pockets on the back?
2. What am I going to get my wife-in-law for Christmas? (a "wife-in-law" to Misty is her ex-husband's current wife)
3. When you get dressed do you sock/shoe sock/shoe? Or sock/sock shoe/shoe?
4. Misty: Is it "landfill" or "landfilled"? Jarred: Only when its done.
5. Terry: In this movie, the guy ages backwards. Misty: But that’s not real…can people really do that?
6. Muskogee Turnpike? I thought you said mysterious handpack.
7. What’s that Scottish music? Makes me want to put on my Dutch shoes and dance.
8. Ebay? I hate that store.

Ears:
1. My ears are sweating.
2. I just got a big old Lysol blob on my ear.
3. That made my ears ring. (doing yoga)

Food:
1. I would certainly love to cook for the homeless people. (She has a fixation with the homeless)
2. I ain’t sprayed nothing, I’m eating almonds. (In response to accusations she had sprayed Lysol)
3. I hope the ice cream man comes by. (it's 30 degrees outside)
4. This Twix is going to cure my headache for sure.
5. I fell asleep with a popsicle in my hand last night. Again.
6. My Yoo-Hoo spilled in my purse.
7. 7:30am: Misty is eating lime sherbet, chicken teriyaki, and cotton candy
8. That’s why I don’t eat crunchy ice (because it popped and got in her eye)
9. I ate a pork chop with my sister.

Smells:
1. It smells like a vanilla cupcake in here.
2. Smells like a gas station and curry in here.
3. I don’t want to brag, but my shirt smells good.
4. This ice smells like bell pepper.
5. Have you ever smelled a slinky?

Health:
1. I feel like I’m getting that funk, with the snot.
2. I’m fixing to look like a leper. (She's sunburned)
3. That thyroid ain’t no joke.
4. Chlorophyll! That’s how that girl died!
5. We’re all gunna get black lung.

Observations:
1. Cincinnati, that’s a weird looking word.
2. Your face is different.
3. Man, I would hate to be homeless.
4. Oh man, that chapstick burns.
5. That guy really needs to get some steroids.
6. Jarred: Misty has been Google image searching "Tiger Woods mistress" for two days now. I've seen pictures of Fergie and Angelina Jolie come up.

Vocabulary:
1. Misty's insult of choice: "Turdzilla"
2. Spelled aluminum: illuminum
3. I'm writin' a book Jay, I might could need your help wit' words

Any quotables from your dim-witted co-workers?

5 comments:

  1. so glad you commented and I could check out your blog because OMG you're hilarous!! love your post. Good luck on everything with Baby and I don't know about you but I am READY.. I'm sure Texas is a lot hotter too so bless you!!

    and PS- we agree with Chelsea on your twin... we watch her EVERY night and are super jealous of your encounter with her!! Have a great weekend!

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  2. Me: My coworkers are idiots.
    Jarred: Have I told you about Meth Misty?
    Me: Oh, yeah. You win.

    I didn't realize how deep the rabbit hole of intellectual suck went however until your litany of awesome Misty quotes. I have a new appreciation for your brother's entertainment/misery.

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  3. @Morgan: Thank you so much, and thanks for checking out my blog! I'm right there with you, girl--so ready to have this baby!!! 8 more weeks!

    @Kelly: Misty never ceases to amaze me. I find it entertaining, unfortunately Jarred has hit a wall and fails to find the humor anymore. Poor Boo.

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  4. oh my gosh, i was just laughing so hard that i woke up my husband in another room! wow, this girl can't be real!!

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