Friday, May 14, 2010

Play Misty For Me

Idiotic co-workers are infuriating. Stories about other people's idiotic co-workers? Magical. Occasionally, my brother treats me to samples of the methadone-dipped ramblings of his co-worker, Misty. Over the years, I've read so many "Misty Quotes" that are saved forever in my Gmail archives, I thought I would share with you, my friends. I recommend reading this aloud to a friend while enjoying a Pabst Blue Ribbon and a Marlboro Red. In an effort to sift through the stupidity, the quotes are broken down by category for your reading pleasure.
1. Do you have nice khaki’s? Like with pockets on the back?
2. What am I going to get my wife-in-law for Christmas? (a "wife-in-law" to Misty is her ex-husband's current wife)
3. When you get dressed do you sock/shoe sock/shoe? Or sock/sock shoe/shoe?
4. Misty: Is it "landfill" or "landfilled"? Jarred: Only when its done.
5. Terry: In this movie, the guy ages backwards. Misty: But that’s not real…can people really do that?
6. Muskogee Turnpike? I thought you said mysterious handpack.
7. What’s that Scottish music? Makes me want to put on my Dutch shoes and dance.
8. Ebay? I hate that store.

1. My ears are sweating.
2. I just got a big old Lysol blob on my ear.
3. That made my ears ring. (doing yoga)

1. I would certainly love to cook for the homeless people. (She has a fixation with the homeless)
2. I ain’t sprayed nothing, I’m eating almonds. (In response to accusations she had sprayed Lysol)
3. I hope the ice cream man comes by. (it's 30 degrees outside)
4. This Twix is going to cure my headache for sure.
5. I fell asleep with a popsicle in my hand last night. Again.
6. My Yoo-Hoo spilled in my purse.
7. 7:30am: Misty is eating lime sherbet, chicken teriyaki, and cotton candy
8. That’s why I don’t eat crunchy ice (because it popped and got in her eye)
9. I ate a pork chop with my sister.

1. It smells like a vanilla cupcake in here.
2. Smells like a gas station and curry in here.
3. I don’t want to brag, but my shirt smells good.
4. This ice smells like bell pepper.
5. Have you ever smelled a slinky?

1. I feel like I’m getting that funk, with the snot.
2. I’m fixing to look like a leper. (She's sunburned)
3. That thyroid ain’t no joke.
4. Chlorophyll! That’s how that girl died!
5. We’re all gunna get black lung.

1. Cincinnati, that’s a weird looking word.
2. Your face is different.
3. Man, I would hate to be homeless.
4. Oh man, that chapstick burns.
5. That guy really needs to get some steroids.
6. Jarred: Misty has been Google image searching "Tiger Woods mistress" for two days now. I've seen pictures of Fergie and Angelina Jolie come up.

1. Misty's insult of choice: "Turdzilla"
2. Spelled aluminum: illuminum
3. I'm writin' a book Jay, I might could need your help wit' words

Any quotables from your dim-witted co-workers?


  1. so glad you commented and I could check out your blog because OMG you're hilarous!! love your post. Good luck on everything with Baby and I don't know about you but I am READY.. I'm sure Texas is a lot hotter too so bless you!!

    and PS- we agree with Chelsea on your twin... we watch her EVERY night and are super jealous of your encounter with her!! Have a great weekend!

  2. Me: My coworkers are idiots.
    Jarred: Have I told you about Meth Misty?
    Me: Oh, yeah. You win.

    I didn't realize how deep the rabbit hole of intellectual suck went however until your litany of awesome Misty quotes. I have a new appreciation for your brother's entertainment/misery.

  3. @Morgan: Thank you so much, and thanks for checking out my blog! I'm right there with you, girl--so ready to have this baby!!! 8 more weeks!

    @Kelly: Misty never ceases to amaze me. I find it entertaining, unfortunately Jarred has hit a wall and fails to find the humor anymore. Poor Boo.

  4. oh my gosh, i was just laughing so hard that i woke up my husband in another room! wow, this girl can't be real!!