Play Misty For Me

Idiotic co-workers are infuriating. Stories about other people's idiotic co-workers? Magical. Occasionally, my brother treats me to samples of the methadone-dipped ramblings of his co-worker, Misty. Over the years, I've read so many "Misty Quotes" that are saved forever in my Gmail archives, I thought I would share with you, my friends. I recommend reading this aloud to a friend while enjoying a Pabst Blue Ribbon and a Marlboro Red. In an effort to sift through the stupidity, the quotes are broken down by category for your reading pleasure.

Questions:
1. Do you have nice khaki’s? Like with pockets on the back?
2. What am I going to get my wife-in-law for Christmas? (a "wife-in-law" to Misty is her ex-husband's current wife)
3. When you get dressed do you sock/shoe sock/shoe? Or sock/sock shoe/shoe?
4. Misty: Is it "landfill" or "landfilled"? Jarred: Only when its done.
5. Terry: In this movie, the guy ages backwards. Misty: But that’s not real…can people really do that?
6. Muskogee Turnpike? I thought you said mysterious handpack.
7. What’s that Scottish music? Makes me want to put on my Dutch shoes and dance.
8. Ebay? I hate that store.

Ears:
1. My ears are sweating.
2. I just got a big old Lysol blob on my ear.
3. That made my ears ring. (doing yoga)

Food:
1. I would certainly love to cook for the homeless people. (She has a fixation with the homeless)
2. I ain’t sprayed nothing, I’m eating almonds. (In response to accusations she had sprayed Lysol)
3. I hope the ice cream man comes by. (it's 30 degrees outside)
4. This Twix is going to cure my headache for sure.
5. I fell asleep with a popsicle in my hand last night. Again.
6. My Yoo-Hoo spilled in my purse.
7. 7:30am: Misty is eating lime sherbet, chicken teriyaki, and cotton candy
8. That’s why I don’t eat crunchy ice (because it popped and got in her eye)
9. I ate a pork chop with my sister.

Smells:
1. It smells like a vanilla cupcake in here.
2. Smells like a gas station and curry in here.
3. I don’t want to brag, but my shirt smells good.
4. This ice smells like bell pepper.
5. Have you ever smelled a slinky?

Health:
1. I feel like I’m getting that funk, with the snot.
2. I’m fixing to look like a leper. (She's sunburned)
3. That thyroid ain’t no joke.
4. Chlorophyll! That’s how that girl died!
5. We’re all gunna get black lung.

Observations:
1. Cincinnati, that’s a weird looking word.
2. Your face is different.
3. Man, I would hate to be homeless.
4. Oh man, that chapstick burns.
5. That guy really needs to get some steroids.
6. Jarred: Misty has been Google image searching "Tiger Woods mistress" for two days now. I've seen pictures of Fergie and Angelina Jolie come up.

Vocabulary:
1. Misty's insult of choice: "Turdzilla"
2. Spelled aluminum: illuminum
3. I'm writin' a book Jay, I might could need your help wit' words

Any quotables from your dim-witted co-workers?