1. Justin Bieber
and the Jay-Z song was on
So I put my hands up
They're playing my song
Really, Miley? Which Jay-Z song is your song? You were eight when "Big Pimpin" was released. You're killing me, smalls.
I have almost as much trouble understanding the appeal of these clowns as I do understanding Bieber. At least these guys appear to have achieved puberty. I'm not completely sure which one is which, but the one on the left is throwing me Edward Scissorhands vibes. I'd like him to stop right now. I heard the one on the right sing once with Stevie Wonder. It sounded like he didn't know the words to "Superstitious". It sounded like he was gargling fruit snacks. Once again, we have a situation where boys are using more hair product than me (an offense punishable by lifelong exile) and they're overdoing it with the layered look.
I am unclear as to how these girls got a reality show, but I just can't stand them. Every time I stop on an episode or promo while flipping through the channels, one of these girls is screeching and crying. They sound like tea kettles. I want to jump into the TV and shake them by the shoulders and say, "Use your words!" Friday, I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of these girls shrieking and wailing (I had fallen asleep watching Chelsea Lately), and Steve had just returned home from a party. He asked if he could change the channel. "Absolutely," I replied groggily. "These girls are awful, just awful." Then, with the utmost sincerity, Steve responded, "You have no idea." I hate the way this show glamorizes being shallow and out of control (because I'm an old fart), but maybe the "no contest" plea from Alexis Neiers, sentencing her to six months in jail for ["allegedly"--do I still have to say that?] burglarizing Orlando Bloom's house will send a message that these girls are losers.
7. Lady Gaga