Generation Gap

I'm pretty sure that every generation since The Greatest Generation has felt that the generation immediately following theirs is disgraceful. I am grateful not be a part of this newer generation, purely from a pop culture standpoint. I realize I am looking at this through the eyes of a 28-year-old, but I'm pretty sure I'd feel this way at any age. I feel completely out of touch with what's cool today, yet I'm ok with it. Here's why:

1. Justin Bieber

I need somebody who works with tweens to please explain why girls love this guy. I don't mean they just love this guy, from what Ryan Seacrest tells me, he's like the second coming of Elvis, Paul McCartney, David Cassidy, Donnie Wahlberg (watch your mouth, he's my favorite New Kid) and Justin Timberlake rolled into one pre-pubescent overly-coiffed boy. Girls actually get trampled and crushed attending his concerts. Like Michael Jackson did at the height of his fame. The Gloved One was once worth being hospitalized over (not really), but Justin Bieber? Every time I hear Seacrest use the term "Bieber Fever" I want to throw a Yosemite Sam temper tantrum. Have you no dignity,man? Is this kid a musical prodigy? Is he loaded with charisma? I. Don't. Understand. I used to have trouble understanding the appeal of Zac Efron because I don't trust a guy who spends more time primping than I do. For the record, I spend a lot of time primping. I will take Zac any day over this Bieber kid. Zac and I wouldn't last long. Punk would use all my hair product and hog the mirror, leaving me no choice but to throw him out on the street. I don't like to share. Back to Bieber. How do I put this delicately? He is devoid of masculinity. Masculinity is sort of a prerequisite for me to find a guy attractive. Maybe if I didn't think about Dani from A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila every time I see him I wouldn't struggle to recognize his appeal. Maybe 28-year-old pregnant married women are not Justin Bieber's target audience?

My Generation's Superior Counterpart: Nobody. My generation didn't idolize boys who still take afternoon naps and eat PB&J with the crust cut off .

2. Ke$ha

Ok, confession time. I don't listen to the radio. Haven't for years. I don't like the commercials, or listening to songs I don't like, or constantly changing stations to find the songs I do like. I just listen to my iPod. I'm a simple girl. The last time I listened to a radio was during the Christmas holidays, driving my mom's car with my brother in the passenger seat. During the hour or so spent in the car, we heard this god-awful song at least three times, and it made my ears bleed:

I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk

Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk

Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

What in auto-tune hell is this? It must be popular if it's getting so much air play. "Jarred, what is wrong with the kids today? This music is garbage!" Jarred shakes his head woefully. I have no idea who sings this song, which I now know is entitled "Tik Tok". Meanwhile, I'm seeing pictures on the internet and in magazines and on television of this girl named Ke$ha. The "$" replacing the "S" tells me right away that she's cla$$y. It took me literally months to make the connection between this glitter-sprayed gutter troll and this song that I deem an assault on humanity. It took an additional month after that to learn the pronunciation of her name. This is when I begin praying that my unborn baby is a boy, because if this is what girls today are saying and singing and looking like, I just don't think I can handle it. If she represents the future of our nation, I might have to start brushing my teeth with a bottle of Jack.

My Generation's Superior Counterpart: Pink
 






3. Spencer and  Heidi

Somewhere, high in the mountains of Crested Butte, Colorado, Heidi's mom is crying. I'd like to send Darlene Egelhoff a big bouquet of flowers and a card that says, "It's not your fault." I once met a woman from Crested Butte, and so naturally the first thing I said to her, is "Oh, you must know Heidi and Darlene!" And guess what? She did. Her son dated Heidi in high school. Something like that. The woman's only comment was "She was such a nice girl. We just don't know what happened." You said a mouthful, lady.

Our Generation's Superior Counterpart: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown





4. Miley Cyrus

If you had told me in 1992, when I was doing the "Achy Breaky" line dance during gym class, that this mullet-headed crooner's spawn would one day be at the center of the American consciousness, I would have told you to stop jerkin' my chain. Honestly, I thought that once the Hannah Montana craze ended (i.e. when she and her fan base outgrow the TV show) that Miley would fade into obscurity. When will I learn? They never exit gracefully, these tween and teen idols. Except for Debbie Deborah Gibson. Girlfriend did it right. Miley needs to stop. The more I see and hear from her, the less I like her. Viewing her performance on the Teen Choice Awards, where she infamously pole danced atop an ice cream truck while singing "Party in the USA" (and seeing the thunderous applause from her parents) was like witnessing armageddon. Ok, I'm being a shade dramatic, but seriously, I can't stand that song. At least Miley has admitted in interviews that she does not write, select, or personally care for her own song. This explains how a 16-year-old could sing lyrics like:

and the Jay-Z song was on

So I put my hands up

They're playing my song

Really, Miley? Which Jay-Z song is your song? You were eight when "Big Pimpin" was released. You're killing me, smalls.

My Generation's Superior Counterpart: Hilary Duff

5. The Jonas Brothers

I have almost as much trouble understanding the appeal of these clowns as I do understanding Bieber. At least these guys appear to have achieved puberty. I'm not completely sure which one is which, but the one on the left is throwing me Edward Scissorhands vibes. I'd like him to stop right now. I heard the one on the right sing once with Stevie Wonder. It sounded like he didn't know the words to "Superstitious". It sounded like he was gargling fruit snacks. Once again, we have a situation where boys are using more hair product than me (an offense punishable by lifelong exile) and they're overdoing it with the layered look.

My Generation's Superior Counterpart: Hanson

6. Pretty Wild

I am unclear as to how these girls got a reality show, but I just can't stand them. Every time I stop on an episode or promo while flipping through the channels, one of these girls is screeching and crying. They sound like tea kettles. I want to jump into the TV and shake them by the shoulders and say, "Use your words!" Friday, I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of these girls shrieking and wailing (I had fallen asleep watching Chelsea Lately), and Steve had just returned home from a party. He asked if he could change the channel. "Absolutely," I replied groggily. "These girls are awful, just awful." Then, with the utmost sincerity, Steve responded, "You have no idea." I hate the way this show glamorizes being shallow and out of control (because I'm an old fart), but maybe the "no contest" plea from Alexis Neiers, sentencing her to six months in jail for ["allegedly"--do I still have to say that?] burglarizing Orlando Bloom's house will send a message that these girls are losers.

My Generation's Superior Counterpart: The Real World: Las Vegas











7. Lady Gaga

As if this post up to this point, along with every previous post hasn't demonstrated how un-hip I am, I'm gonna make myself sound very uncool now. Lady Gaga gives me the creepy-creeps. I actually like her music, and I'll bet she's a lovely person, but the way she goes to such great lengths to be so...strange...is off-putting to me. She's like some long-lost love child of Liberace and Marilyn Manson. I spend my life trying to look "effortlessly striking" and here this chick, who has better legs than me, is going out of her way to be weird looking. Why does she want to scare me so?

My Generation's Superior Counterpart: Britney Spears (I'm reaching here, but let's be real: we all remember where we were when we saw her dance on stage with that snake. Girlfriend was groundbreaking)

Ok, I've said my piece. If you guys can let me know if I'm not the only one who feels this way, or if you can explain the appeal of these people in a way I'll understand, that would be appreciated. Good day to you.