Monday, May 10, 2010

An Open Letter To Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica,

I have found your recent interviews, revelations, and comments so troubling, I feel the need to say something. I don't want to talk about your weight. Or your music career. Or your movie career. Or your love life. Or the way your sister emerged from your "Shadow" and stole your dreams. We at Three Mutts are a benevolent people. We don't rejoice in other people's heartache, and the truth is, we like you. And you're in need of some tough love. To understand where you are now, we need to take a look at where you've been.

More than ten years ago, you broke onto the scene at the height of the bubblegum pop bonanza that was Britney-Christina-Jessica-Mandy and you took the world by storm. Look how young and fresh-faced you were:
Since you were one of four hot young blondes on the 90's music scene, you had to find away to stand out from the rest. Britney was the Lolita, Christina was the voice, and Mandy was no competition for you, so how did you set yourself apart?

1. Sexy virgin: appearing in endless interviews and photo shoots, always oozing sex and talking about sex, but making it very clear that you do not have sex. Also, having really big boobs that everyone and your dad liked to talk about. Not creepy at all.
2. Ken and Barbie-like relationship with a boy band member: making every aspect of your lives together available for public consumption - for a price.

So, you had two things going for you: sexy virgin, boy band boyfriend. Then you married that boy band boyfriend, and therefore lost the "sexy virgin" status. So then you had only one thing going for you...
How could you possibly make a career out of simply being married?

1. Marketing your wedding ad nauseum: shameless self-promotion through interviews, TV specials, magazines, a book.
2. MTV Newlyweds: Millions tuned in to hear what ditzy thing you'd say next ("Is this chicken or is this fish that I'm eating?")
3. Singing songs about being married: Your most commercially successful album, In This Skin, was all about your love life. "With You" was a catchy little ditty with a cute video.
4. Being a dumb blonde: You helped to launch the "it's cute to be stupid" trend in Hollywood, which made it possible for the likes of Paris Hilton to achieve fame, and setting the women's movement back 50 years. (Thanks for that)
5. Merchandise: Now that everybody knows you're having sex (and that it's cool with The Man Upstairs) you roll out a line of "kissable" bath and body products at Sephora. You know, so that you can have something tasty to lick off of Mr. Lachey during Jesus sanctioned sexy times. I found that they left a sticky residue, and I guess everyone else did too, because Dessert is over. Good thing you've also got shoes and clothes bearing your name.
6. Acting: You signed on for a series of vanity projects, more style than substance, all with the goal of catapulting you to higher stardom. Dukes of Hazard, Employee of the Month, Blonde Ambition, and Major Movie Star err, Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous I mean. (Much better title.)
7. Being hot: With the release of Dukes of Hazard, you leveraged that hot body you developed during filming. There was a period of about a year where I couldn't fling a cupcake without hitting an article, photo spread, or music video featuring you and your hot new body. I will admit, you worked it out, girlfriend! And you maintained that weight for...about a month.
8. Being a girlfriend: If you could spin your marriage into gold, why couldn't you do the same for dating? A string of interviews and magazine covers declaring that the guy you've been dating for a few months is "The One" shouldn't scare him off at all...
So, to recap - what exactly puts money in your pocket? Being beautiful and desirable. This is why there is such a thing as Jessica Simpson clothing and accessories. This is why high-profile men date you (allowing you the opportunity for all those "exclusive" interviews you love so much.) This is why you are paid the big bucks to endorse products like Proactiv. Are we all on the same page here? Pretty pays the bills. So why on earth are you going out in public looking like hell, and why do I keep reading tidbits from recent interviews where you say things to make yourself sound as gross as possible?

1. You only brush your teeth three times a week.
2. You recently farted in a business meeting. Intentional, no, but why do you openly discuss that you fart in bed? If you're sharing that fun fact with all of the world (including would-be boyfriends) we don't want to know what your really embarrassing quirks are.
3. You belch. A lot. On Newlyweds, and (according to you) you used to belch the ABC's for Tony Romo. And then you cried when he dumped you on your birthday.
4. You reportedly wash your hair less than once a week on average.
5. You chew nicotine gum because you like it. What's more, you reportedly don't throw your used gum away, you just stick it on your water bottle to chew on later. [shudder]

I'm all for being truthful and unpretentious. It's endearing, normally. I blame the year 2003 for your current behavior. Back then, everything you said was a soundbite, the more outrageous the better. With your current tenuous grasp on fame, I can see your logic: "If they liked it when I told them I thought Buffalo wings were made of buffalo, they're gonna love it when I tell them that I brush my teeth with my shirt!" You really miscalculated, Jess. That being said, I beg you, stop saying things that make the world go, "Eww!" and that are in direct conflict with how you earn your livelihood. Practice good hygiene, fire your stylist (she must hate you, based on how she's dressing you) and tell your BFF/hairstylist Ken Paves he needs to do a little better job being your friend and stylist and stop letting you appear in public with hair that's not cute.

I don't mean to be harsh, Jess. I shouldn't be the one to have to tell you this, but us girls gotta stick together.




  1. You are so hilarious!!! Do you have any idea how bad I wanted to give my two cents to Britney during the whole head shaving incident??? I'm finally starting to like her again these days. Lets hope she doesn't screw it up.

  2. Girl, there's just no reasoning with Brit-Brit! She jumped on the crazy train! Lindsay Lohan is a lost cause, too. There was a time when I wanted to volunteer my services to help repair Lindsay's public image, "Here's a pair of panties-WEAR them!" She needs so much help. Too late now!