American Idol Finale Commentary

In 50 years, when I'm 78, my boobs are 20 and my face is 39, I'll be sitting on my front porch with grand babies on my lap, and I'll tell them that ol' Sammy remembers exactly where she was the day Simon Cowell bid farewell to American Idol. They will listen in wonder as I tell them that, prior to 2002, when people heard the name "Simon", it conjured up images of a Saturday Night Live character played by Mike Myers:

"Moy name is Simon, and I like to do draw-rings!"

Here's how the 9th Season finale went down, through my eyes:

- I didn't watch last season, so tell me: Kris Allen isn't big on enunciating? I needed subtitles for his performance. Cute kid, though.

- I have no reason to feel this way, but something about Siobhan Magnus feels awkward. I used to feel the same way when watching Smashing Pumpkins videos during the 90s. And something about Aaron Kelly makes me want to give him a juice box. Their song takes a turn for the worse, as I begin hearing music that makes me think of some dated Bee Gees song. I thought, "What, are Barry and Robin Gibb gonna show up next?" And then there they were. I must be psychic. Or was it Maurice? Whichever one is still living. I only recognize Robin Gibb because I recently saw his photo on a gossip site that reported he acted like a horse's arse at Heathrow Airport. I know nothing beyond that headline because, well, I was born during the Reagan administration and therefore have no interest in Bee Gees: Behind the Music.

- This season's chunk of chocolate thunder, Michael Lynche, performed a duet with Michael McDonald. I'm slow on the uptake, so I'm just now figuring out that they're gonna sing hits and then be joined on stage by the hitmaker. I thought Michael McDonald songs were just for my silver fox, Taylor Hicks? Michael McDonald looks like Colonel Sanders after ordering the Kenny Rogers Cosmetic Surgery Special. I'm mesmerized.

- Next up was Dane Cook, who took the time to set some of Simon's greatest insults to music. I can tell by their faces that Ellen and Simon both very much hate Dane's performance. Also, is Dane's undersized shirt a nod to Simon's notoriously tight tops? Then, all the Idol rejects came on stage like a reunion for VH1 and E! reality show has-beens. Some guy who looked like Bobby Trendy got a hold of a microphone and started babbling about how he was more interesting than Simon...something like that. I don't care enough to even rewind my DVR. Cut abruptly to commercial.

- Christina Aguilera, do you need a moment to chew it over with Twix? I feel like she couldn't decide exactly what she wanted to sing, so she took a page from the Kris Allen and Nick Jonas School of Music and just decided to gargle all the words to her latest song. Christina is the hotness, and she knows that no matter what she does, we're all gonna sit on the edge of our seats, nodding and smiling like my Vietnamese nail technician when she tries to make small talk with me. Neither of us can understand a word the other is saying, but we live together in perfect harmony.

- Casey James, what's you secret for lustrous, bouncing curls?

- Did tonight's music selection come from WMJJ Magic 96's playlist? I began having flashbacks to my time spent in the orthodontist's chair having my braces tightened, listening to Hall & Oates.

- Daryl Hall was having some Peter Brady moments on stage. Hitting those notes was a strugglefest. He should have borrowed Justin Bieber. The Biebs hasn't gone through puberty yet. What am I saying? American Idol is live, and it's past Justin's bedtime. Duh.

- How do you not love Crystal Bowersox's dad? Evening wear by Harley Davidson is classic.

- Crystal takes the stage to perform Alanis Morissette's "Ironic". Ironically, I am a fan of Alanis, but not of this song. Because nothing she describes in the song is in fact ironic. They're just things that suck. But I guess "Doesn't That Suck" or "Ain't that a Bitch" isn't gonna shoot up the charts on Casey's Top 40. It's my heartfelt wish that Crystal had chosen "You Oughta Know" instead. Then, as if Santa Claus himself heard me, Christmas came early and Alanis and Crystal performed together, "You Oughta Know."

- Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. You're everything I wish I could be, and nothing that I am. Tip of the hat to you.

- American Idol's sponsor, Ford, gifted Crystal and Lee with a Ford...Fiesta? A Ford freakin' Fiesta? You should have given them Mustangs. Or, better yet, a Bronco. That would have been my choice.

- Bret Michaels is the new Betty White. As Americans, we have a tendency not to appreciate our celebrities of yesteryear until they float off to the big tour bus/wicker furnished lanai in the sky. Now we're just beginning to recognize these living legends and reward them with a renaissance. We're all so thrilled and relieved that Bret cheated death (once? twice? three times?) that we've taken him back from the free clinic gutter tramps he's been carousing with for the past few years and made him America's sweetheart. Weren't we all delighted to see him?

- Paula's here! Please be lucid, please be lucid, ahhh...it was awkward. Like Steve Buscemi's best man speech in The Wedding Singer. What, you haven't seen this crown jewel of Adam Sandler's filmography? (says me). Here ya go. You're welcome.

Sample line: "Why can't you be more like your brother? Harold would never beat up his landlord!"

 - The tribute to Simon continues with a performance by past Idols and Finalists. Afterwards, Paula guides Simon up to the stage. I've seen Hey, Paula, and let me tell you it's a real roll reversal, Paula helping someone else walk in a straight line. I'm impressed. I really hoped she would sing "Rush Rush" or at the very least, "Promise of a New Day". I am denied.

- Kelly Clarkson's hair looks fantastic.

- Where is David Cook?

- I'm watching Janet, "Miss Jackson" if you're nasty (which I am). Seeing her without her long, luxurious mane of hair is as confusing and upsetting as my 1987 visit to The Magic Kingdom, where I hugged Minnie Mouse and discovered that inside her big, yellow Minnie shoe was a small, brown human shoe. As I sat in a restaurant crying, my dad attempted to console me. Rubbing my back, he softly asked me, "You didn't really think she was a giant cartoon mouse, did you? You know she's an actor playing a character, right?" I've loved Miss Jackson since Rhythm Nation, and all these years I've given no thought to her weave. And now that weave is gone and so is a little bit of her mystique.

- Let's cut to the results. Like a coin tossed in the air, I call it: Crystal Bowersox

- And the new American Idol is: Lee DeWyze!

- Lee DeWyze sweetly makes the biggest understatement of his life: "I am so happy right now." I melt like butter.

I think the American Idol host and judges should have made a pact like the cast of Friends. They're all in it together until the end. I don't like them departing one at a time. Will we really tune in next season without Simon?