Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Pop Culture Playback

Since I haven't been at work or in front of a computer, I have watched a considerable amount of TV despite the fact there isn't a lot of new programming on right now. Here are some of the things I might have blogged about, had I blogged last week:

1. I heart Bethenny Frankel. I never really got into The Real Housewives of New York City because I can't watch every show on television, and these women failed to capture my attention in the first season. I thought they were a bunch of a-holes, and a less attractive, pasty version of The Real Housewives of Orange County. In magazine interviews, Bethenny never came across as very likable to me, but Mom convinced me to watch one episode of Bethenny Getting Married?, and I am officially a fan. This is good news, because...

2. I'm so sad Dina Manzo left The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Just like Jeana Keough left The Real Housewives of Orange County, my favorite Jersey housewife has exited stage left and taken Grandma Wrinkles with her. Danielle Staub just has to ruin everything...that prostitution whore!

3. TV commercials: I have decided that there are few things grosser than watching other people eat Oreo cookies. Same goes for ice cream. Also, I'm finished with the Activia commercials...I don't like being forced to witness a dialogue between middle aged women about their "digestive health." (Translation: their ability to successfully drop a deuce.) Yuck. My favorite commercial by far is for the Shake Weight. It is the most unintentionally (?) homoerotic commercial on television and it really brings the LOLs. I never envisioned the free weight as a phallic symbol until now. I'm gonna leave it at that. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just watch the commercial for yourself. I'm not here to get graphic.

4. Jillian Michaels never saw a fatty whose personal space she didn't want to invade. When she gets within centimeters of them, almost to the point of Eskimo kissing, in danger of spitting in their faces, makes uninterrupted eye contact without blinking, and aggressively whispers words of wisdom to the scared, sweaty, frustrated participants of her new show, Losing It with Jillian, I become very uncomfortable. She suddenly knows them on an intimate level and dispenses "tough love" in the form of psychoanalysis...with a camera in their faces, no less. I cover my eyes with my hands because I want to make it go away. So. Awkward.

5. Bad news for me: lots of World Cup soccer and some tennis tournament on TV right now. Good news: Steve doesn't care about either of these sports, so I am spared having to watch any of it. Whoop whoop!

6. Days of Our Lives: Gram died, so everybody is back in Salem for the funeral. I don't know if it's the camera lenses, or the lighting, or the cosmetic surgery, but these people do not age! What is their secret? I swear, their plastic surgery is better than everybody else's plastic surgery (I'm looking at you, Heidi Montag). Here is Kate Roberts, age 57, and her skin is smoother than mine. Don't tell me it's Photoshop!

7. Dreamweaver? My pregnancy dreams are less vivid, but I distinctly remember a dream last night where I kept eating way too much pizza, was criticized for eating way too much pizza, and finished every sentence with the phrase, "It's just like that movie, Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire." I haven't even seen that movie!

8. While you're at work, the E! network is All Kardashian, All The Time. When you get home from work, the E! network is still All Kardashian, All The Time. It's like some cruel joke. I get to stay home, but my favorite channel is filled with programming I don't care to watch. I don't mean to seem overdramatic, but it's a freakin' tragedy.

9. Speaking of Khloe, it seems that Kobe Bryant's wife Vanessa is being a world class b-word to the Laker wife and not letting poor Khloe join in any reindeer games. Vanessa is talking some serious smack, saying that Khloe is a "fake wife". Umm...I hate to break it to Vanessa, but it takes more than accepting a tacky-ass "I'm sorry I cheated on you and got accused of rape" diamond ring to be a "real wife". Vanessa needs to recognize that had she not been the child bride of Kobe Bryant, she'd be working at a tanning bed in the Valley right now. She'd be wise to button her lip. Nobody puts Khloe in a corner!

10. Jake and Vienna broke up. If two reality television famewhores can't stay together, what hope is there for the rest of us? The cover of my Us Weekly quotes Jake as saying Vienna "showed her true colors". Umm, Jakey-poo...she showed her true colors for the entire season of The Bachelor, and you defied all advice and good decision making when you asked her to be your bride. Since Vienna is not what you would call a "classic beauty", I assumed he chose her based on her skills in the boudoir, but in her grand tradition of over sharing, Vienna informed us that she and her lady bits hightailed to greener pastures because Jake wasn't giving it to her on the regular. So for those keeping score at home (like me): Jake is a three-time reality television loser who wears mock turtlenecks and a cell phone holster, doesn't know how to please his lady, and openly cries on national television...repeatedly. And I don't mean that his eyes tear up or that on one occasion he gently wept. I mean that he bawls the way I do when watching Sally Field's cemetery monologue in Steel Magnolias:
"I'm FINE! I can run to Texas and back, but...my...daughter...can't! She never could!"
With all that information out in the open, I expect Jake to get as much action as he did in high school (my sources tell me that is zero.) This is going to reflect very poorly on his match.com profile.

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