Let's Talk About Sex (Tapes)

There's some old adage about how we'll have more regrets about the things we didn't do in life than we will about the things we did do. In short, it means "Seize the day". As an American woman, I pretty much used that statement to justify having fun without regard for consequences, like going out partying the night before a final, getting a tattoo, and other impulsive, self-indulgent choices. You get the idea. I think whoever coined that phrase wasn't thinking about Kendra Wilkinson, her sex tape, or her chola eyebrows from high school.

image via Radar.com

I kinda like Kendra. She's a sweet girl, but it's sometimes hard to be happy for her success or feel sorry for her struggles, when she has achieved fame and wealth while basically being a shining example of "what not to do". I haven't watched her E! True Hollywood Story, or read her Wikipedia page, but from what I've heard her discuss in interviews (oh so many interviews), she barely got out of high school, she ran away from home as a teen, and she used lots and lots of drugs. With her background and experience, one would have predicted that she'd be working the cash register at Golden Corral right now. Instead, she was part of an 80-year-old man's harem, starred in two reality TV shows, has travelled the world, etc, etc...girlfriend's made more money and received more in cash and prizes by age 25 than I'll make in a lifetime. I think. Now she has a sex tape that's being released. She also has a tell-all book coming out. It insults my intelligence that she's trying to sell us a book she "wrote", when everyone who knows her knows she can barely string together the words to make a Tweet. I was bitching about this very thing while eating barbeque with my mom and brother a few weeks ago.

Me: Kendra basically did everything you raised me not to do, and she has mansions and paid for her mom's plastic surgery. I read she's getting paid over half a million dollars for that sex tape. It doesn't seem fair. And, oh my god, I just saw pics online...girlfriend had straight-up chola eyebrows when she was in high school!

Jarred: Ha, really?

Mom: Samantha [leaning forward to whisper] don't say that.

Me: Mom. It's ok to say "chola". It's not an insult or racial slur. It merely refers to Latina gangsters living in the barrio, easily distinguished by their gelled hair, dark lipstick, and their gloriously drawn Sharpie eyebrows. They're typically found in east LA. Also, there are no cholas in this barbeque restaurant, insuring that I've offended no one.

Jarred: Hey look, [pointing to a family with 6 Asian children under the age of 8] it's like the Asian Duggars over there!

Me: That would be "the Gosselins"

[Jarred and I erupt into a fit of giggles. Well, I was giggling. Jarred was laughing more manly laughter]

Mom: You two need to stop right now! You're embarrassing me!

Anychola, back to Kendra. I am glad she has risen above her shaky beginnings and carved out a good life for herself. I do feel kinda bad for her, with this sex tape and whatnot. I would hate to have to answer for some of the choices I made as an 18-year-old. We're not known for using the best judgment at that age. Then again, my big "embarrassing choices" dealt more with fashion...and the hot pink leopard print fuzzy dice that hung from the rear view mirror of my Chevy Blazer. Right above my dashboard hula doll. Fortunately, I don't have sexually explicit videos of Brandy's brother urinating on me during sex (you didn't think I'd blog about sex tapes and not give a shout out to my girl Kim Kardashian, did you?)

The thing is, these sex tapes seem to emerge for celebrities who deserve fame and fortune the least. So when it happens, we have a tendency to point and laugh like Nelson Muntz:

"Ha Ha!"

It's human nature to build people up so we can tear them down, but I'm sure Kendra realizes that she'll get past all this and still be rich and famous. Look at Kim and Paris and Pam. You can't keep a good ho down.