My Classic Disney Nightmare

You may have noticed a steep drop in blogging activity recently. It's because the forces of evil conspired against me and my computer. Happily, all of that is behind me now, and I have emerged victorious! Let me back up a bit--for the past several months, I worked for a salon and spa that had no manager--but a Director of Operations. Think of her as my Fairy Godmother...but younger and prettier and blonder.

Fairy Godmother and I get along splendidly. She trusts me, I help her, and she's very understanding of my need for special accommodations (i.e., taking off early on Thursdays for obstetrician appointments, taking off a week to have cancer removed, my need to elevate my cankles.) I really can't say enough good things about my Fairy Godmother. Then she filled the vacant manager position with someone who is...not so nice. Think of her as the Ursula to my Ariel.

Ursula has a very bad aura. The staff scurries at the sound of her stomping through the salon. She's hostile and combative, harsh and abrasive, and she alternates between sucking up to me ("What are we going to do without you?! and "You MUST bring the baby for a visit!") and throwing daggers at me. She is very aggressive, she insults me and blames me for things that aren't my responsibility, and then...she...blocked my internet access! [gasp]. Making matters worse, when I told her to fork over the password to let me back on the internet, she lied to me and said that installing a password block on the internet was all Fairy Godmother's idea. Fairy Godmother would never. Fairy Godmother even told Ursula to give me the password, and Ursula refused...but continued to tell me it was all Fairy Godmother's doing. So now she's a liar and a coward because she doesn't have the guts to look me in the eye and tell me she doesn't want me using the computer. What a pansy. This may be one of my least favorite character flaw combinations: liar and coward.

What I can't understand is, why is Ursula intent on targeting me? She is the new manager of a 6,000 square foot salon and spa located in a prestigious Dallas department store. She faces enormous pressure and expectations and is responsible for the 30+ gypsies on staff. It's a tall order for anybody, so why is she focusing on the pregnant lady with two weeks left until early retirement? It's not as if my time spent on the computer takes away from doing my job. I'm not wasting taxpayer dollars or causing delays in solving the oil crisis in the Gulf. Lighten up, lady. Fairy Godmother doesn't mind, so why should she?

A little background on Ursula: she is a huge Amazon. She looks like a post-op transvestite whose gender reassignment surgeon shaved off just enough of her Adam's apple for her to pass as a woman. This image is punctuated by a stringy and particularly unfortunate head of hair that sits atop the world's largest head. She is scary. Miss Trunchbull from Matilda scary.

She recently returned to Texas after living with her boyfriend in Europe for several years. I know, I'm shocked she had a boyfriend too. So, to recap: we have a single, childless woman on the wrong side of 40, who's got the worst mop of hair I've ever seen. Riddle me this, Batman: why does she hate the twentysomething, married, expectant mother with the bangin' head of hair?

Meow. What a snarky thing to say! Maybe Ursula's dislike for me is less about my marital and motherhood status and more because I'm a salty bitch. Nah, it's probably the whole husband-baby-hair thing.

I really wanted to work a couple more weeks. Because I like dollar bills. Obviously, Ursula wants me gone and is doing everything to eliminate me. Normally, I would dig my heels in and take on my adversary. This baby is a game changer. It's unhealthy and irresponsible to put myself in a high-stress and high-anxiety situation, and while I can joke that sitting in a silent office all day without internet should be classified as cruel and unusual punishment, the truth is I cannot fully do my job without internet access. I not only strongly resent the insult of being lied to and treated like a child (did I mention that she gave Persian Dwight Schrute the password?), I also cannot tolerate being around a harsh, imposing figure such as Ursula. With all of her negative energy, and my growing contempt for her, I felt like my blood pressure was surging the entire day. This is a happy time in my life and I will not spend the final weeks leading up to my son's birth engaging in this sort of interaction. Time to move on to my next adventure with my Prince Charming and our three mutts and a baby.

And we all lived happily ever after.

The End