Sunday, October 3, 2010

What Do Mel Gibson and I Have in Common?

A: We both own Malibu
B: We both use the term "sugartits"
C: We both let our babies fall off a table
D: We both starred in Edge of Darkness

We turn to DListed's Michael K. for the answer:
In her ongoing campaign to paint (not even one coat is needed) Mad Mel as a shit dad who shouldn't even be left take care of a broken Tamagotchi, OctoSana testified in front of the lawyers that he once "dropped their baby while smoking a cigarette outside." Brit Brit taught him well.

Radar reports that OctoSana said in her deposition that she left Lucia (who was 2-months old at the time) with Mad Mel while she went off to do some crap upstairs. When she came downstairs, Mel told her that he did something stupid. Mel wasn't talking about What Women Want, he was talking about leaving Lucia on a table without supervision. Mel eventually told OctoSana that before he went out to smoke a cig, he put Lucia on a cushion on top of a table. Needless to say, that wasn't a good idea, because she slid off that shit and busted her ass.

OctoSana said, "I asked him how it happened, and what had happened and how he found her, and he explained everything to me. Showed where she fell from and I analyzed her and looked at her eyes. I looked at her bruises - not bruises but the bump on her front and the bump on her back, back of the head and the front of the head and analyzed that - but she looked focused. After initial shock of crying and, of course, I consoled her and she stopped crying eventually."

OctoSana said she had to take Lucia to a baby chiropractor for treatment, "Her head was very conehead like and he helped with that."

What in the sweet fuck is wrong with Mel? Everybody knows that if you're going to put a baby on a table, you put the cushions AROUND them in case they go tumbling down while you're outside snorting lines or jacking off into the rose garden. Or whatever. If there's not enough cushions around for you to do that, just put the baby in the dryer (DON'T TURN IT ON) or throw her into a dog carrier bag and bring her with you. I swear. Do I have to teach a parenting class to these fuckheads?

But to play devil's advocate, if you were a 2-month old baby and Mel was taking care of you, wouldn't you throw yourself off the table so you could crawl to the nearest exit? Yeah, you would. Mel can use that defense in court.
So, to recap: if your baby flips off a changing table while you're hastily struggling to cram a poopy diaper into an already full Diaper Genie nearby, friends and family will offer reassurances that you are not an unfit mother and that everybody drops their baby some time. If your baby flips off a table while you're outside having a smoke, it will be used against you in court. Write that down.

After being checked out by a doctor, it was determined that Robinson is totally fine. The right side of his face is a little swollen, and there are a few broken capillaries on his forehead from the impact. Within an hour or two of the fall he was all giggles and grins, which somehow makes me feel even worse, if that's possible. Incidentally, my face is swollen too, from all the sobbing. I've cancelled my birthday and have big plans for moping around the house for the next few days.

Rob shimmied off the table in the throes of a screaming fit because he was hungry--I originally mistook his hysteria as being due to his poopy diaper--I was so wrong. Once he was fed he became completely content. Apparently it's "ok" that this happened, as long as I learned something from it. That's what people keep telling me. Let me hurl some knowledge balloons at you, so maybe you won't drop your baby some day and be forced to "learn something" at the expense of your infant's skull:
  1. Just because my baby wasn't strong enough or capable of something yesterday, doesn't mean he isn't capable today. Never presume to know what your baby is capable of doing.
  2. When baby is hongrey, he must be fed immediately. Even if that means sitting in his own poop. A fed baby is a happy baby, and when baby ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
  3. All baby care items, including the Diaper Genie, must be within arm's reach while still keeping one hand on baby, even if the configuration is less aesthetically pleasing: What seemed reasonable when putting together a nursery for a hypothetical baby is a little different with a real, wiggling, beefy baby.
  4. Pay attention and take your time when baby is in a precarious position. I was changing his diaper in auto-pilot, concentrating instead on how I was going to quickly bathe and dress him, pack his bag, dress myself and look up directions to the party we were headed to. I should have been focusing on the task at hand.
And there you have it: a little glimpse into my weekend and my parenting failures, served up for your judgment.

1 comment:

  1. Sam--Its OK. I can trump you and Mel.
    One time--when Erica was probably about 3-4 months old, I sat her (in her carrier)on top of the car while I looked for my keys. Then--upon finding my keys- I got in the car---and LEFT HER ON TOP OF THE CAR. Yes--just for a about 1.2 seconds. AND No, I didnt start the car. But still. For about 1.2 seconds--I forgot about her. So--see--a little tumble off a changing table seems okay huh? :) So, wipe the tears...and kiss the baby (again) It will all be okay. Promise.
    Love to all! Aunt Denise, aka "One Bad Mama out of Carolina"