Thursday, October 28, 2010

Un-Break My Heart

No, I'm not making a reference to Toni Braxton's financial woes. (You filed for bankruptcy twice, girl? Seriously?! The first time taught you nothing?!) You know what does suck, though? To be a Grammy winning, multi-million album selling recording artist with a career spanning nearly two decades, and an autism activist, and when your name is typed into a Google search, it autofills with the word "bankruptcy".

Ask me how much I hate this dress. Answer: "sooo much!"
 Life FAIL. She shoulda thought about that before she spent $50 million she didn't have. And she's already appeared on Dancing with the Stars, so now what will she do to make that money? Meh, girl can cry me a river.

No, "Cry me a River" is not a reference to Justin Timberlake's reported dalliances with Olivia Munn behind longtime girlfriend Jessica Biel's back. The only person I find more boring than Olivia Munn is Jessica Biel.

Of all the famous Olivia's right now (Wilde, Palermo, Munn, Jerseylicious) Olivia Munn is the one I find least intriguing.
I actually had to Wikipedia her. She hosts a show on G4. It's a channel devoted to video games, and the only reason I know about it is because late at night they air re-runs of my favorite trash show, Cheaters. She has a gig on The Daily Show now, and Maxim and FHM have honored her for her hotness, so I guess she's sexy. Timberlake, I expected more from you. I liked you better when you were being Punk'd and crying for your mommy.

No, no, no! This post wasn't supposed to be about any of these jerks! It is about my sadness over the end of true love! October is my favorite month. It means my birthday, Jarred's birthday, Halloween, college football, autumn leaves, and everything I hold precious; but this year, it represents broken hearts and broken families. I thought we were through the worst of it, but I. Was. Wrong.

1. Ben Harper and Laura Dern divorce
I always liked Ben Harper. He sings about how "I always have to steal my kisses from youuuuuu" and I sure think that's sweet. Also, I always thought Laura was kinda homely, so whenever I would see them together I would think, "Wow, that's great. He must really love her." Another thing a lot of people forget is that Laura has already been subjected to a lifetime of heartache and humiliation, as she is the founding member of the "Angelina Jolie Stole My Husband Club". Yep, Jennifer Aniston pays dues to Laura Dern. Not only did Angelina marry Billy Bob Thornton (blech), she married him when he belonged to somebody else! That bitch is just awful.

2. David Arquette and Courteney Cox divorce
This odd-but-adorable pairing famously had their wedding bands engraved with the phrase "A deal is a deal". I would stare down at my inscription-free wedding band and then whine to Steve, "Why couldn't we think of anything charming and clever like that, so the whole world know that we are perfect for each other and we'll be together forever!" Then Steve squints at me and shakes his head. Courteney is a Birmingham girl and I was especially rooting for her. Yeah, they seemed mismatched, but she's smart. I trust her. They must balance themselves out really well and be super-compatible. It sounds like she probably balanced him out very well, but that this "deal" was no longer mutually beneficial. I suppose it's for the best...

This post is bumming me out bad.

3. Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman divorce
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, Christina divorces "The Right Man". I have her Back to Basics album, and every sweet love song is about him, praising him for being pretty much the greatest man she's ever known. And, I couldn't help but notice that he looks like a bat, so I said to myself "She must really love him." And now their love is gone, too. If they can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

4. Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus divorce
I thought the divorce court trifecta was the end, but there's a cherry atop this hot fudge heartbreak sundae. The hillbillies responsible for bestowing Destiny Hope Cyrus upon the world are calling it quits. No, no, no, no, no! If we have to live in a world with Miley Cyrus, you jerks have to at least live with each other. Tit for tat, bitches!

I swear, if Ice-T and Coco divorce before the year is out, I'm getting wasted. Theirs is a love for the ages.

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