A Matter of Grave Importance

In my quietest moments, these are the questions that run through my mind:

1. How do I raise Robinson to be a happy, healthy, well-adjusted and respectful young man?
2. Will I ever lose this baby weight?
3. How long is it gonna take to finish paying these pesky student loans?

American tabloid journalists would like me to add one more question to the list of things that keep me awake at night:

Will Jennifer Aniston ever find love?

[scratching head] Ok, let me see if I understand--

This girl...

...who grew up to have this body...

...and this hair...

...and this hair...

...and star on this television show...

...for which she won this Golden Globe...

...and this Emmy...

...all while married to this man...

...and living in this mansion...

...this woman can't find love? And I need to read about this in every magazine published since 2005?

Let's get something straight, Jennifer Aniston can find love. She has found love. What she hasn't "found" since her divorce from Brad Pitt is a husband. Tabloids write about this with the assumption she is unlucky in love...she's not. If Charlie Sheen can keep finding women to marry him, trust me: Jennifer Aniston would have a husband if she wanted one. I am so bored with this tired story. She's 41-years-old, single and childless. She has enough going for her and enough resources to do something about that if she wanted to. (see: Sheryl Crow)

I actually find the whole idea of pitying Jennifer Aniston for her series of failed relationships to be very disingenuous. I think it's really just an excuse on the part of the magazines to pick on the one thing that's "wrong" with her and disguise it as sympathy or concern. Kind of the way they like to write about Jessica Simpson being "fat" and posting unflattering pictures of her with captions like "Bless her heart, y'all--somebody let Jessica dress herself again, and she's walking around L.A. looking like a porker!" They pretend to care, but they're really just making fun of her. Or, magazine publishers know that Jennifer Aniston sells more magazines than other stars and they have nothing else to report on her. Sidenote: I have a friend who's a huge Jennifer Aniston fan, and her husband made a clever observation: "You don't love Jennifer Aniston. You love Rachel Green, and in every movie she's made since Friends, she's played some version of Rachel Green." I couldn't have said it better myself, buddy.

Here I sit, in middle-America, with my middle-American problems (and hopes and dreams). Can I please stop being forced to care about the rich, famous, successful, beautiful, sexy single woman? Please?