The Tales of my Drunken, Cocaine-Fueled, Porn Star-filled Rampage Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

...says Charlie Sheen.

I tried to imagine how I would react if such an outrageous and horrifying story were circulating about me on the national news. I quickly decided that my reaction would not be to casually brush it off like, "Oh, that? It's been blown way out of proportion!" And then I go back to smoking my cigarette. Then again, I earn an income of zero dollars, and Charlie Sheen is the highest paid man in television...or is it network television...or he's the highest paid actor in television. I think all of the above. So yeah, we're pretty different, Charlie and me.

Who watches Two and a Half Men anyway? Nobody I know. Except maybe my Nannie. I think I once heard that it's a big hit with the Memaw and Pepaw crowd. Donny Deutsch told me (via the Today show) that if I want to make a statement that we should not reward Charlie's hot-mess trainwreck behavior, I should spearhead a letter-writing campaign to each of the show's sponsors and tell them that I will no longer purchase their products if they continue to advertise on Charlie's show. Since the show attracts the highly coveted 65-109 year-old demographic, I would assume that it's sponsored by Metamucil, Boniva, and Colonial Penn Life Insurance.

I'm a little worried about how Charlie's daughters are going to reconcile their father's attitude and behavior towards women when they get older. "Your daddy admires and respects women SO much, that he pays them by the hour to play with him!" That's not a healthy message.

Oh, wait, let me back up a few ticks. If you don't know what [allegedly] happened because you have a "job" and you only watch the "real news" and you are more concerned with "the upcoming election" and the "war" and the "financial crisis", let me give you the abridged version of what is being reported:

Denise Richards is in New York to do some interviews to promote her new reality show (which is just what the world needs.) She brings her two daughters, and Charlie Sheen joins them for some family vacation time. They do tourist things, including stay at The Plaza hotel. Denise and her girls are in one room, with Charlie and the porn star in the room across the hall. [Allegedly] drunk and high on cocaine, paranoid Charlie accuses bewildered porn star of stealing his watch. He goes ballistic and begins inflicting tens of thousands of dollars worth of damage on the hotel room. Allegedly. Terrified porn star, determined that today is not her day to die, locks herself in the bathroom and calls for help. Allegedly. Allegedly.

I think the biggest surprise out of this whole thing is Denise Richards' reaction. She had several interviews scheduled to promote her reality series prior to Hookergate at the Plaza becoming the breaking news story. (I know, Capri Anderson is a porn star, and she's offended that news outlets originally reported that she was a hooker, but I decided that "Hookergate" sounded catchier than "PornStargate".) Denise honored all of her scheduling commitments and fielded all of the interviewers' Charlie-related questions with a level of grace and class I did not think Denise was capable of. Well played, Denise. Well played. It makes sense that she would be careful with her words, for the following reasons:

1. The whole "protecting her daughters" thing.
2. There is probably some sort of "You're not allowed to talk smack about me in public" clause in her divorce settlement.
3. She probably collects a sizable chunk of Charlie's paycheck, and Denise is too smart to bite the hand that feeds her.
4. If she plays nice in public, she stays in Charlie's good graces. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, eh?
5. Charlie Sheen will choke a bitch (allegedly).