Thursday, October 7, 2010

Keep it Classy, Duke

Duke University graduate Karen F. Owen was a cleat chaser in college.

cleat chaser: (n) A person who seeks-out and prefers athletes for romantic interludes. (see: Alyssa Milano, Elisha Cuthbert)

As I was saying, Karen likes to bed members of Duke's athletic program. Mostly lacrosse players (I hear they have a sterling reputation as fine young men), with a few baseball players and a tennis player thrown in for good measure, usually on the same night she meets them, typically in a bar where binge drinking has taken place. 

In fact, Karen had the honor of sharing intimate encounters with thirteen such gentlemen. Rather than gab about it with her girlfriends over boxed wine while watching The Bachelor, our delicate, lovely Karen decided to turn her sexual escapades into a mock thesis in the form of a 42-slide PowerPoint presentation she forwarded to three friends. As any reasonable adult could have predicted, this thing went viral. It seems that Karen Owen is not a reasonable adult.

Anyway, this PowerPoint Presentation includes the name and photo of each conquest, along with a painstakingly detailed retelling of how she met her subject, details of her sexual encounter, praise and criticism of the experience, and finally, the subject is scored on a scale of 1-10. Bar graphs are involved. As a bonus, she is not bashful about disclosing details about each man' and aptitude.

I am a fan of Chelsea Handler's books, some of which are nothing more than anecdotes chronicling her sexy times. It seems hypocritical for me to praise Chelsea and condemn Karen. The difference between Karen and Chelsea is that Chelsea has a flair for storytelling. Karen, for all her efforts and her fancy Duke education, isn't too terribly clever and isn't much of a writer. "PowerPoint" implies a concise presentation. Instead, it is lengthy to the point of tedious, long-winded and self-indulgent. Also, Chelsea didn't share the photos and real names of her partners.

I am also familiar with Tucker Max, whose writing of his sexual escapades is so filthy, I would find him completely despicable and devoid of any redeeming value if not for the fact that he's sharp as hell and knows how to tell a story. Karen's PowerPoint is like a cheap re-make of Chelsea and Tucker's work and shows no imagination, while at the same time leaving nothing to the imagination.

Duke University, the young men detailed in the "thesis", and the families of all involved are pretty unhappy. I read that one of these guys is getting married this weekend. "Umm, Honey, there's something I have to tell you..."

I'm posting a link here if you really want to see this for yourself, but it's pretty detailed...and by "detailed" I mean "embarrassingly gross".

Predictably, parents and internet watch dog groups want to make this an opportunity to discuss internet security and teaching our children to use technology responsibly. Psychologist-types want to explore this topic further and discuss the evolution of women's sexuality, the erosion of morals, and the effects of social media. You can Google that sort of thing if you're interested. I don't feel like getting that deep with this subject matter. 

Oh, and when reached for comment, Karen says she regrets it and never meant to hurt anyone. I hope there's a family business she can go to work for. I can't imagine this looking good on her resume. I mean, it's not even a good PowerPoint presentation.

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