Monday, November 1, 2010

What the 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Have Taught Me

Most people are beginning to feel "Real Housewives" burnout. I am not most people. The newest installment, located in Beverly Hills, is intriguing because it features women who possess the kind of wealth that 'Housewives' in the other cities could only dream about. Forget "She by Sheree", we have the Sacramento Kings. Among these six women, there is not one rental home to be evicted from or McMansion in short sale or in danger of foreclosure. I don't really catch the whiff of "new money" with these ladies. Unless one of them loses her ass in a ponzi scheme, these women are probably all set for life.

During commercial breaks from watching these women travel in private jets and struttin' that ass in Christian Louboutin heels, we are shown commercials for Marshall's discount clothing stores. You know, for women who want designer looks at garage sale prices. That's what Bravo thinks of me, the viewer. I'm some bougie wannabe. Whatever, the life I live is dramatically different from the Housewives on TV, and let me tell you: I'm getting an education on how the other half lives. Since you're not watching, let me share what I've learned so far. I'm only three episodes in, so I'm sure I have yet to learn all they have to teach me.
  1. Cotton candy cannot be eaten seductively, but that shouldn't stop you from trying
  2. An Hermes Birkin bag, which starts at $9000, is the perfect poolside accessory
  3. Obnoxiously over-pack for a two-day getaway. Don't look at it as being a sign of flakiness, indecisiveness, or crippling insecurity. You like to be prepared for whatever may arise! You might be feeling pretty skinny today, but you could feel fat by the time you arrive at your destination, so you would need a totally different outfit. Obviously.
  4. When ordering a cocktail, you must ask your husband what you want to drink. Not because you're not allowed to make your own choices, but because you never order your own drinks, therefore you don't actually know what you like. "Knowing what you like" is for poor people.
  5. Wealthy housewives may have a staff of groundskeepers, pool maintenance workers, maids, and an army of nannies, but that doesn't mean they aren't just as overworked and tired as you. They need "me" time, just as much as you do. Maybe even more so.
  6. You can take the dancer out of Club MTV, but you can't take Club MTV out of the dancer.
  7. A "Real Housewife" employs a large staff to perform any and all household duties, with one exception: she packs her husband's suitcase. It shows him that she cares, and her brief conversation regarding the number of pairs of slacks he needs to take is probably the only face-to-face interaction they'll have this month.
  8. There is only one way to properly greet people: airkisses for everyone!

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