Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Sad Day: Bravo TV Shooting Reality Show in Dallas--Without Me

Damn. Since 2006, I've been waiting for the press release that Bravo is expanding their Real Housewives franchise to Dallas. You know, so that I can attend the casting call. How fun would it be for a camera crew to follow me around my palacial 1,800 square foot home and hob-nobbing with my glamorous friends? Could you imagine seeing film footage of me, cleaning my oven while watching Grey's Anatomy reruns on DVR? That's some pretty riveting shit, I tell you. I mean, I'm Real. I'm a Housewife. I'm exactly what they're looking for, right?

Whomp, whomp.

So, the good news is that Bravo TV, my favorite channel (previous reports that I live for the E! Network have been greatly exaggerated) that is known for shining the spotlight on real people in cities all over the country, is finally paying some attention to a greatly overlooked city: my (new-ish) hometown of Dallas. The bad news is, instead of spotlighting Real Housewives, they are producing a show entitled Dallas' Most Eligible, which focuses on hot young singles in the city. I should tell you how I learned of this fascinating news, so allow me to rewind a few clicks:

I wake up every morning at or about 6:40 AM. For no reason whatsoever. I am of the belief that nothing good happens at 6:40 AM, so I change the channel to NBC (so that the Today show is waiting for me whenever I begrudgingly agree that morning is upon me and I am forced to greet the day) and I lie in bed, face down, eyes tightly shut, spooning whichever dog has hopped onto Steve's side of the bed, and I try to will myself back to sleep. Sometimes I catch another hour of shut-eye. Sometimes I'm just lying there in a half-stupor. You're probably brushing your teeth and getting ready for work at that time. It's ok, you can be annoyed with me. I deserve it.

On this particular day, I'm snuggling Laney, trying to catch a few more zzz's while Steve gets ready for work. When the local NBC news anchors start talking about Bravo TV coming to Dallas, my and Laney's ears perk up (she is also a fan). They explain that the network is in town filming this new series about hot young singles in Dallas, and then they go to Reporter Babe on the scene--even though she's on the scene of a completely unrelated, actual news story.

Reporter Babe is a reporter whose name I don't know, but I always see her on the air in the wee hours of the morning, usually wearing a reflective safety vest while reporting from the side of the road, and no matter what time it is, she is always boasting expertly-applied eyeliner, premium hair products, and optimal hair "poof". She's your basic beautiful nightmare.

So, the anchors, who are unusually aflutter over news of a reality show filming in our city ("Big whoop", I say, TLC filmed a reality show in Dothan, Alabama. Why wouldn't Dallas have a show?) and so they cut to Reporter Babe who is standing on the side of the road in a reflective safety vest with impeccable hair and makeup, and they ask her if she knows anybody who is being featured on this new show.

Blogger's Note: When reading this, you should know that Reporter Babe, who usually speaks with perfect diction, inexplicably transitions to Valley Girl when the subject turns from "real news" to her personal life. She begins drawing out her words and her consonants. The transcript will reflect this shift. Also worth noting: Anchor Woman goes from being a credible, professional news anchor to acting like an excited school girl, thrilled to be discussing the latest gossip with the school's most popular girl while in the cafeteria. It was surreal.

Anchor Woman: So! Do you know anybody on the new Dallas' Most Eligible?
Reporter Babe: Yeah. I pretty much know alll the people on the showww. Actuallyy, I was approached to be on the showww, but I thought it would be a conflict of interestttt.
Anchor Woman: Wow! You know them? So does anything exciting happen?
Reporter Babe: Well, I was with them for a lottt of the shootingg, and I have to sayyy, it gets prettyy dramatic.
Anchor Woman: So they're pretty interesting people, huh?
Reporter Babe: Uhh, yeahhh, they're all my friendsss.

Steve has paused his morning routine to walk back into the bedroom to watch this breaking story unfold.

Steve: Is she serious?
Me: I had to open my eyes, just so I could roll them. [face smacks back into the pillow]
Steve laughs and makes a wise crack
Me: [face-down in pillow] You didn't know Ashley is a journalist now, did you?
Steve laughs louder. I have a friend named Ashley who speaks fluent Valley Girl. To know her is to love her.

For the rest of the day Steve makes me say (in Valley Girl voice) "Uhhh, yeahhhh, they're my friendssss."

Sooo, will you be watchinggg Dallas' Most Eligible? I knoww I will. Ummm, yeahhhh, they're my friendssss.

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