Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Crazy in Love

I'm all set to whip up a post as whimsical as one of Kate Middleton's hats to announce that, after the mass marriage casualties of last month, love is in the air once again. I wish I had a trumpet. It would add more pomp and circumstance to the festivities. Quickly now, I haven't got all day:

Kate Middleton is engaged to Prince William
If Charlotte from Sex and the City were here, she'd scream and then loudly announce to a room full of strangers, "I'm so sorry everyone, but this is my friend and she just got engaged. And she has been going out with the man for nine years!" [holds up nine fingers] Then everyone in the restaurant would applaud and Kate would hide her face and say "I'm mortified!" Nevertheless, she deserves a round of applause and a tip of the feathered hat.

Vanessa Minillo is engaged to Nick Lachey
Professional vacationers and part-time hosts of awful reality competition shows Nick and Vanessa are gettin' hitched. After hearing that Jessica Simpson snidely remarked recently that "I hope Vanessa likes her clothes because I bought them for her" (meow) it begs the question: Did Jessica pay for the ring?

Jessica Simpson is engaged to Eric Johnson
Not to be outdone, Jessica proved she ain't no Jennifer Aniston and nabbed herself a fiance, too. Take that, Nick! I'm sure her people [Joe Simpson] will insist the timing is purely coincidental. Based on her new engagement ring, I hope this was hasty. I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking. Jessica's engagement ring from Nick Lachey:
Jessica's engagement ring from Eric Johnson:
Not for nothin', but if I were her I'd just put on the first ring. I mean, she probably paid for it anyway. She can be all like, "Shuuut up! It's mah rang an' I wearrr it if I wannaaa!" And then Tina Simpson would say, "Jessica, stop talking into your margarita glass." Then Jessica would say, "But I like the way it makes my voice echo! Echo! Echo! I need a refill." Then she would belch. Then giggle. Then be like, "Wait, what were we talking about?" [eats a spoonful of guacamole] At that point, Joe tells Jessica that her signature is required for a refill, as he casually slides over a pre-nup, which Jess signs, smearing queso all over it in the process. Shrewd move, Papa Joe.
Dean Sheremet is engaged to a woman
Thanks to LeAnn Rimes for Twittering the joyous news across the world. All good news comes from LeAnn's Twitter, don't cha know? In other news, as soon as I finish this blog post I'll be returning my Gaydar to Sharper Image. Glad it's still under warranty. Sidenote: what is up with people wearing these unflattering glasses? It's like she said to herself "Ehh, I'm like, a 7, and I think I wanna be a 4, just to see how the other half lives." I'm either too vain or I don't take myself seriously enough to ever don such eyewear. Or both. One thing's for certain: if she's gonna wear those glasses, she needs to step up her brow game. Enter Dean: "Who's up for eyebrow shaping and mojitos?"

Mama and Papa Spears rekindled the spark
They divorced eight years ago, but have been seen canoodling (stop it, I just really wanted to say "canoodling") and they went out to the club and they danced to one of Britney Jean's songs, y'all! It's so sweet! Sorry--your parents are still never getting back together. Time to let it go.

Tina Knowles and Mathew Knowles press "Pause" on their divorce proceedings
Tina may have let Mathew back inside her House of Dereon. Good for her if that's the case. It takes a big woman to overlook a secret love child. I wasn't sure I'd ever have the opportunity to use the phrase "secret love child" in a sentence.

Photo credits: stupidcelebrites.net, dlisted.com

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