Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Who knew saying "Your house is in foreclosure" would incite a riot?

Elegance has a name, and it's Teresa Giudice. Last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey consisted of a roughly seven minute edited-for-tv altercation followed by forty minutes of the ladies re-enacting it. It was a hot mess. Teresa was the hottest mess of all. Let's tally all the bad decisions she made.
1. She got wasted. Tamra from Real Housewives of Orange County calls it "Naked Wasted".
2. She hunts down Danielle at the country club under the pretense of "saying hi". 
3. She references the past by saying that everyone knows how sweet Teresa is.
Yeah, "sweet" is not the word that comes to mind.
4. She calls Danielle "honey" using a condescending tone. Nice move, Teresa. Every woman knows that "honey" + condescending tone = "c*nt". This prompts Danielle to say, "Don't call me honey". This is the first time in history that Danielle said exactly what I would have said. I am angry at Teresa for helping me to identify with the prostitution whore crazy train that is Danielle Staub. Don't put that on me, Teresa Giudice! Teresa spends the rest of the episode telling anyone who will listen, "What, I just called her 'honey'. What's wrong with that?"
5. Teresa's reply to "Don't call me honey": "How about 'bitch'? Is 'bitch' better?" Actually, 'bitch' is better.
6. This is when it starts to get shrill. Teresa begins doing this mysterious head bobbing thing that disturbs me. It disturbs Danielle too. Dammit, now we have something else in common. Then Teresa jumps out of her chair wearing her ridiculous chinchilla coat and announces, "I'm from Patterson!" As if this explains the head bobbing. Survey says "no." I have never been to Jersey, and I'm not familiar with Patterson, but this is apparently intended to convey to the crowd that Teresa is down with hood rat shit. It was lost on me. It's not like she said "I'm from Queens" or "I'm from Compton". I haven't been to those places either, but I've heard enough references to those places in pop culture to know that if somebody says they are from there, that means I would not win against them in a knife fight. And that may be all I need to know. I've heard no such references to Patterson, New Jersey.
7. Then Teresa exposes her jugular to Danielle and invites her to slash it by uttering these words: "I live in a five million dollar house now, bitch!" Danielle (and America's) reply: "And it's in foreclosure!" And with those four words, Danielle lit the North Jersey Country Club on fire. Figuratively speaking.
8. From there, the 200 or so middle aged women in attendance at this event become hysterical, form a mob and begin running outside like there's a Rob Pattinson sighting. Not to wanting to be excluded from the excitement, Jacqueline's daughter Ashley decides to yank out Danielle's weave and spend the rest of the episode bragging to anyone who will listen about how she yanked out Danielle's weave. I guess Ashley was skipping school on the day we all learned that "yanking out the weave of another" is the dictionary definition of "trashy ho behavior". I read an entertainment blog called I'm Bringing Blogging Back, and IBBB is known for his recaps of The Hills, The City, and Real Housewives. His sister once made the smart observation that Ashley from Real Housewives is Meg Griffin from Family Guy. I'll go along with that
If only I could have found a picture of Ashley wearing one of those damn beanie knit hats she always insists upon. Somebody (who hates her) must have told her that the memaw crocheted hat was a good look. [eye roll]. Ashley needs to stop. She's going through this super annoying "I'm 18 and I can do and say whatever I want and I don't care what you think!" phase. Ugh. I have to applaud Jacqueline for not slapping the snot out of Ashley on a regular basis. It would be so hard to resist.
9. The cops arrive. They try to take Danielle's statement, and she just wants everybody arrested. The cops ask her if she's physically injured. She admits that she isn't but she's emotionally injured. That counts for something, right? Then the cops question Teresa. Teresa is drunk enough to believe it's a good idea to play it all casual and act like she doesn't even know why the cops are there, let alone why the cops would want to take a statement from her. She suggests they take a statement from Danielle instead because she's a coke whore.
10. During all the subsequent re-enactments and re-tellings of the fight, Teresa is animated and takes great delight. She was so drunk when all of this went down, I expected her to be embarrassed and filled with regret the next day. I. Was. Wrong. I guess her hazy recollection of the night's events lead her to believe everything she said and did was fabulous.

Now Danielle thinks that they are all trying to kill her. She goes on and on and on describing all the scenarios that could result in her being killed. Teresa locks her in a bathroom, shoves or punches her, she hits her head on something. She's dead. They're running through the country club, Teresa spots a knife, picks it up and stabs Danielle. She's dead. It just never stopped.

That's pretty much all I have to say. If I had recently given birth...to my fourth child, engaging in combat with Danielle Staub would be at the very bottom of my "to do" list. But I'm not from Patterson, so what do I know?

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