The Hills Finale - WHERE WAS LISA LOVE?!

I was a big fan of The Hills during seasons 1-3. Times were simpler then. Heidi had all her original parts, and Lauren was simply known as "The Girl Who Didn't Go To Paris." Towards the end of season 3 is when all the blogs and tabloids were aflutter with "Is The Hills Fake?" stories. I felt the show had jumped the shark and stopped watching it, convinced its days were numbered. Well, I was wrong. I. Was. Wrong. As part of my 101 Things in 1001 Days project, I committed to watching the final season of The Hills in its entirety. I'll be honest, it was like working out--painful at times--but I'm glad I did it. I actually really liked the ending. It was provocative, like The Sixth Sense and The Sopranos (not really). Seriously though, it was one of the better television series endings I've seen. Steve thought it was dumb. He probably thinks Justin Bobby is dumb too, where as I think he is one of the most profound philosophers of our generation. I'll share some of my thoughts with you. I hope you packed a lunch...

1. The first scene has all the girls--Kristin, Lo, Stephanie and Audrina--sitting together in a completely authentic-feeling round table discussion (as you do with your girlfriends). It was such a Nuvaring commercial. While they're sharing their existential thoughts with one another (yeah I don't think any of them know what "existential" means...maybe Lo does) I expected somebody to explain the benefits and the risks of a once-monthly vaginal birth control ring. It never happened. Lo said she wants babies, and they got all excited, as if she announced she was pregnant. Simmer down now, ladies. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Kristin is bored, Kristin wasted her time with Brody, Kristin doesn't want to grow up. Kristin needs a change. The girls all seem really concerned. They really needn't be. Stephanie announced that she's reached her happy place. I'm so relieved that her fake story arc is complete [eye roll]. Audrina says she still hasn't found happiness. If I were a fly in her chardonnay, I would tell her that happiness is located about one foot above her ass, and it's called a 22" waist. Now shut the hell up.

2. Backing up just a click: The Hills producers were kind enough to lead up to the finale with a couple of retrospective pieces to help refresh my memory and catch me up on the two seasons I missed. It helped to remind me how bitchy and volatile Kristin is. What it didn't show is how Kristin winds up being "friends" with Audrina, Stephanie, and Lo by the end of the series. I know that the Spencer/Heidi conflict helped unify the girls in a way we haven't seen since "We Are the World", but after reviewing clips of all the nasty things Kristin has said to these girls, I'm kind of surprised they even speak to her at all. You know, aside from the fact that MTV pays them to speak to her.

3. Brody goes to the driving range with his friends, Taylor and Frankie. They act like chicks. Brody asks Frankie who he's dating, presumably so Frankie will in turn ask Brody about his love life. And isn't that what this scene is all about? This driving range is just a rouse so they can talk about their feelings. Like chicks do. Frankie laughingly tells the guys about his "you know, the flavor of the week." Uh, you wish, Frankie Delgado. You wish. Moving on, Brody makes mention of a girl he's dating now. If you read celebrity gossip, you know that he's Avril "I'm not punk rock" Lavigne's new Sk8r Boi. Then Taylor asks Brody how Kristin feels about all this, and in doing so reveals that he knows way too much about how voodoo dolls work. Brody answers Taylor's query by saying that he thought he and Kristin had a clear understanding that he was only interested in sleeping with her and he had no idea she'd get attached. Taylor and Frankie both get this look on their faces like they just started their periods and need to ask Brody for a tampon.

4. Lo asks Stephanie how things are going with her new boy, whose name I can't be bothered to remember. Lo encourages Stephanie to "put yourself out there," which in this case involves driving two hours one way to watch the boy ride a dirt bike. This could make Stephanie look like a Stage-5 Clinger, which nine times out of ten would be horrible advice. I can't recall specific instances, but this would not be the first time that Lo's relationship advice made me feel as confused as a stoned Britney Spears.

5. Kristin discusses her future with Stacie while relaxing on Kristin's patio. Do we know how Kristin is able to afford such an extravagant home? Is this just a set that's paid for by MTV? Is Stacie really the person best qualified to discuss major life decisions? Los Angeles is the second largest city in America (I think) but Kristin has apparently experienced all this thriving metropolis has to offer and determined that the only thing left to do is...move to Europe. Even Kristin knows this is the dumbest idea ever. She can't even sell it. It's the most ill-conceived hasty plan hatched on this show to date, right? Sadly, it's not.

6. Stephanie watches her boy ride dirt bikes and says things like, "you  just like, ride a dirt bike, but then like, you're just like, Care Bear." Nice way with words, Steph. You marginalized his profession, compared him to a gay animated bear, and overused the word "like" all in one sentence. Is she reading cue cards? Half the time she's talking, she's not looking at the boy. She's looking off. In fact, all the girls have been doing that this whole episode. Can they not be bothered to memorize their lines?

7. Nothing says "I'm over you" like showing up at a guy's house unannounced to tell him in person that you're moving to Europe and that it has nothing to do with him. Ugh, I'm bored. Moving on...

8. We visit Audrina's new house at the beach, but it's really just a pretty backdrop for a completely unnecessary narrative between Audrina and Stephanie re-capping everything that's happened in the episode so far. I mean, we're only 15 or so minutes into the show, and half the show has been commercials, so I'm pretty well up-to-speed on what's going on. I don't think the viewer needs the two least articulate cast members to describe to me what I just watched. Fast forward my DVR...

9. Wow. A flashy party at a hip Hollywood hot spot. Why haven't we had more of these during this show's run? Frankie's dancing, and it answers any lingering questions the viewer might have had as to why Frankie can't get a girlfriend. Then we see Stacie. It's like they're putting all the third-tier supporting cast on parade. I miss Jen Bunney. Then Stacie uses Audrina's absence from the party as an opportunity to join the group hug with the main cast members, while they talk about how happy they are with the way the writers decided to end the show. Cut to images of each of the girls kissing their boyfriends. Aww, no boyfriend for Kristin. Better luck in Europe, girlfriend! Then, as if on cue, Brody shows up. Lo tells Kristin she doesn't have to speak to Brody. Umm, when a guy shows up for a party that's in your honor because you personally invited him, and then you ignore him, it's considered poor form. Terrible advice once again, Lo. Stephanie respectfully disagrees, insisting that Kristin needs "Closure!" She excitedly blurts out the word "closure" a few times, like it's the one word the producers wanted her to remember to say. I bet she wrote it on the back of her hand. [Blogger's note: It is my opinion that nothing has caused the female species so much trouble as the pursuit of "closure". It makes bitches be crazy.]
10. Scott and Lo are a cute couple. Scott's totally the trusty boyfriend in the romantic comedy type of guy. They are the only members of the cast I would consider letting babysit my child.

11. Stacie is helping Kristin collect her belongings. Kristin's driver is here. Is Kristin like, Mr. Big or something? Then...the video montage. They're trying to make me cry, but it's not working. I do like the arrangement of "Unwritten" that's playing. Then we discover that they're not really in the Hollywood Hills, they're on a Hollywood soundstage. Because this show is not real. So that's why they stopped referring to it as a "reality show" and began referring to it as a "docu-soap". It all makes perfect sense now! See what I mean? Just like the ending of The Sixth Sense.

This took longer to read than it took to watch the actual show. Recap FAIL.

P.S. I forgot how much I used to love Heidi 1.0
P.P.S. I found the Heidi 1.0 tribute during the after show a little too much like a eulogy. Holly seemed to as well. Unsettling.