I was a big fan of The Hills during seasons 1-3. Times were simpler then. Heidi had all her original parts, and Lauren was simply known as "The Girl Who Didn't Go To Paris." Towards the end of season 3 is when all the blogs and tabloids were aflutter with "Is The Hills Fake?" stories. I felt the show had jumped the shark and stopped watching it, convinced its days were numbered. Well, I was wrong. I. Was. Wrong. As part of my 101 Things in 1001 Days project, I committed to watching the final season of The Hills in its entirety. I'll be honest, it was like working out--painful at times--but I'm glad I did it. I actually really liked the ending. It was provocative, like The Sixth Sense and The Sopranos (not really). Seriously though, it was one of the better television series endings I've seen. Steve thought it was dumb. He probably thinks Justin Bobby is dumb too, where as I think he is one of the most profound philosophers of our generation. I'll share some of my thoughts with you. I hope you packed a lunch...
6. Stephanie watches her boy ride dirt bikes and says things like, "you just like, ride a dirt bike, but then like, you're just like, Care Bear." Nice way with words, Steph. You marginalized his profession, compared him to a gay animated bear, and overused the word "like" all in one sentence. Is she reading cue cards? Half the time she's talking, she's not looking at the boy. She's looking off. In fact, all the girls have been doing that this whole episode. Can they not be bothered to memorize their lines?
7. Nothing says "I'm over you" like showing up at a guy's house unannounced to tell him in person that you're moving to Europe and that it has nothing to do with him. Ugh, I'm bored. Moving on...
8. We visit Audrina's new house at the beach, but it's really just a pretty backdrop for a completely unnecessary narrative between Audrina and Stephanie re-capping everything that's happened in the episode so far. I mean, we're only 15 or so minutes into the show, and half the show has been commercials, so I'm pretty well up-to-speed on what's going on. I don't think the viewer needs the two least articulate cast members to describe to me what I just watched. Fast forward my DVR...
9. Wow. A flashy party at a hip Hollywood hot spot. Why haven't we had more of these during this show's run? Frankie's dancing, and it answers any lingering questions the viewer might have had as to why Frankie can't get a girlfriend. Then we see Stacie. It's like they're putting all the third-tier supporting cast on parade. I miss Jen Bunney. Then Stacie uses Audrina's absence from the party as an opportunity to join the group hug with the main cast members, while they talk about how happy they are with the way the writers decided to end the show. Cut to images of each of the girls kissing their boyfriends. Aww, no boyfriend for Kristin. Better luck in Europe, girlfriend! Then, as if on cue, Brody shows up. Lo tells Kristin she doesn't have to speak to Brody. Umm, when a guy shows up for a party that's in your honor because you personally invited him, and then you ignore him, it's considered poor form. Terrible advice once again, Lo. Stephanie respectfully disagrees, insisting that Kristin needs "Closure!" She excitedly blurts out the word "closure" a few times, like it's the one word the producers wanted her to remember to say. I bet she wrote it on the back of her hand. [Blogger's note: It is my opinion that nothing has caused the female species so much trouble as the pursuit of "closure". It makes bitches be crazy.]
10. Scott and Lo are a cute couple. Scott's totally the trusty boyfriend in the romantic comedy type of guy. They are the only members of the cast I would consider letting babysit my child.
11. Stacie is helping Kristin collect her belongings. Kristin's driver is here. Is Kristin like, Mr. Big or something? Then...the video montage. They're trying to make me cry, but it's not working. I do like the arrangement of "Unwritten" that's playing. Then we discover that they're not really in the Hollywood Hills, they're on a Hollywood soundstage. Because this show is not real. So that's why they stopped referring to it as a "reality show" and began referring to it as a "docu-soap". It all makes perfect sense now! See what I mean? Just like the ending of The Sixth Sense.
This took longer to read than it took to watch the actual show. Recap FAIL.
P.S. I forgot how much I used to love Heidi 1.0
P.P.S. I found the Heidi 1.0 tribute during the after show a little too much like a eulogy. Holly seemed to as well. Unsettling.