Friday, July 16, 2010

Rumer Willis Syndrome

My friends and Facebook "friends" have given birth to some of the most beautiful, exquisite babies I have ever seen. They're prettier than any baby in a movie or GAP ad. Mom is so excited that I'm about to have this baby, and she keeps going on and on about how cute he's gonna be, but I tell her to hold on just a minute. Let's not count our genetically gifted chickens before they hatch, ok?

Mom: Robinson is going to be so cute!
Me: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We don't know he's gonna be cute.
Mom: What? How can he not be cute? You and Steve are both so cute!
Me: Well, thanks for saying that we're cute, but that doesn't mean our baby will be cute. Steve and I have discussed the possibility that our baby will be born with Rumer Willis Syndrome. It's a very real concern of ours. We're optimistic he'll be cute, but we're not getting our hopes up.
Mom: Rumer Willis Syndrome? What's that?
Me: It's where the child of two attractive people tragically inherits all their worst features. Named for Rumer Willis, the child of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. It's very unfortunate.
Mom: Oh. Rumer. Is that the one with the chin?
Me: Bless her heart.

I Googled "Rumer Willis Syndrome" and it turns out that it doesn't exist. Steve and I made it up. But we maintain that it is very real. Look at this picture that was hanging proudly in my doctor's office along with other Christmas cards and birth announcements for cute babies:
I know that this entire post is going to be used against me when I'm trying to get into Heaven later, but I had to take a picture of this picture so that Steve would believe me when I said I saw a baby whose forehead was covered in hair. Of course he made a joke about this being a Kardashian baby. I made a joke about it being Teresa Giudice's baby. And we're going to hell together.
We're gonna love our baby, even if he looks like a crazy ginger, even if he looks like Teen Wolf. He's ours and we love him. We'd like it if he was cute, but we're really just thrilled to be having a healthy baby. And you know what? If he's not cute, that means he'll just have to compensate with a great personality and talent...


  1. So this is loooooooooooong overdue comment, but I stumbled upon your blog a while ago and I just want to tell you that you are flipping hilarious!! I laugh out loud whenever I read your blog - and I have to thank Rumor Willis and her dreaded syndrome for giving me the guts to finally leave a comment! Thanks for all of the laughs!!

  2. ugly babies are the worst. we have some good friends with a tragically ugly wee one. my husband tells me all the time i'm gonna get punished one day for all the bad comments i make about her.
    but then, next to my perfectly beautiful child, what can a baby do?

    [by the way, you're not allowed to tell me anything other than how gorgeous by baby is, and i'll do the same for you]