Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Beware the Cougar Kroger

Ladies: hide yo' husbands, because there's homewreckin' hussies lurking in the cereal aisle of your local grocery store, ready to pounce on your man! I have a whole new sympathy for Jenny Aniston.

We have two Krogers within a two-mile radius of our house. There's the Kroger on Main, which is surrounded mainly by tasteful, modest homes and the regular folks who live in them, and then there's the other Kroger, which is surrounded by McMansions and the silicone-injected trophy wives who inhabit those luxury homes. Steve calls it the "yummy mummy Kroger". There is a markedly higher hotness quotient in the women who shop at this Kroger. When making a Kroger stop on the way home from work last week, guess which Kroger was most convenient for Steve? I'm telling you, nothing good happens at the Cougar Kroger.

Steve: The weirdest thing happened at Kroger. I didn't go to the one down the road, I went to the other one.
Me: M.I.L.F. Central?
Steve: Yep.
Me: Everything ok?
Steve: Well, while I was shopping, I felt like somebody was watching me, but I just ignored it. Then, in the parking lot, this lady was waiting out there and shouted at me like, "Hey!" like you would if you wanted to get somebody's attention...to help you or whatever. I was like, "Yes?" and she said, "I noticed you while you were shopping and thought you were very attractive. I didn't notice your wedding band before, but I see it now." and I was like, "Yep. Happily married. We just had a baby boy." and she was like, "Well I'd still like to get your phone number..." and I said, "Well I'm flattered, but I'm pretty happy, so I'm gonna pass," and she said "Well, that's too bad..."

"That's too bad?" It's "too bad" that a married, new father doesn't want to cheat on his wife? Yes! Hooker hears that he has a wife and a new baby at home and she wanted his phone number anyway. That trollop! Get your own man! Steve did mention that she was hot. I, still living in my post-baby "chunky" phase am understandably not thrilled by this news, but at least secure enough to know that chunky or not, my husband is not going to take up with some tramp who stalked him in a grocery store parking lot. So there.

Steve was really caught off guard by the whole thing. He found it all very off-putting. I'll agree, it's pretty "Swimfan". I, always having to over-analyze (obviously) couldn't help but wonder aloud: What sort of woman values herself so little that she would want to get involved with the sort of man who would cheat on his wife who just gave birth to his child? Any man who would do that is no man at all. Shouldn't she want better for herself? Steve just shakes his head at me as if I'm trying to start a conversation about nuclear fission.

Sidenote: there's a teensy part of me that is feeling smugly proud that I'm married to the sort of man who strange women can't resist propositioning in parking lots. Is that bad?

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