Monday, March 22, 2010

A Thoughtless Little Pig

I'm ripping off Alec Baldwins' nickname for his daughter for this post title. It describes how I (kinda) feel about myself today. I hesitate to report this tale of woe...because this is my blog. And since it is my blog, that means I have a platform to paint the loveliest, most flattering portrait of my life...and this story does not meet that criteria. But in the interest of full disclosure, I share with you.

People have asked me if I have pregnancy cravings, and the truth is, sometimes I do. Usually for breakfast cereal...Special K, Rice Krispies, Cocoa Krispies, Cheerios, Rice Chex. But on this morning, I saw a commercial on TV that made me want pizza. It wasn't a pizza commercial, but it had some kind of food and I thought I saw something that looked like fennel seed. Which made me think of Pizza Hut's sauce. Which made me want to go to the Double Dave's Pizza Works lunch buffet. I was just having a craving. It had been three weeks days since I last enjoyed a slice of pizza, so I figured that would be a great lunch on my day off right before I go to my massage appointment.

After my mid-morning nap, followed by some light housework, I headed out for lunch and a massage. I pulled up to Double Dave's and waltzed inside, where I was greeted by a friendly-faced, hippie-looking manboy standing in an empty restaurant. I smiled, reached into my wallet and ordered a "buffet for one". He smiled and told me that the buffet closed at 1:30. It was 1:45. I smiled sheepishly, and as I returned my debit card to my wallet I stammered, "Well then, I guess...I have no reason to be here." Then I turned and sulked all the way back to my car.

Let me tell you something: the only thing more embarrassing than being a fat pregnant lady going to a pizza buffet alone, is being a fat pregnant lady denied entry to the pizza buffet. I have vowed never to return to that establishment. And I don't mean that in an "I'm never eating carbs again!" kind of way. I actually mean this. Since nobody was there to capture the humiliation on film, here's my pal (and look-alike) Kirstie Alley re-enacting the scene:

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