Friday, March 12, 2010

Evolution of the Reverse Mullet

So...yesterday the blogs were aflutter with news and photos of Kate Gosselin's new haircut. I'm somewhere in between caring and not caring, but I feel I have to weigh-in on the hair that has intrigued a nation. (I'm overstating this, but it's my blog so I can spin it however I see fit.) I could simply post a picture or two with a little snarky commentary, but I'm a history buff, so let's travel back in time and trace the "roots" (pun originally unintended, but I'm going with it) of the most scrutinized hair in America.

Here we have a high school yearbook photo showing that the mullet is not foreign territory to this Pennsylvania girl, but otherwise we see no red flags of what's to come.

That school girl grew up and discovered the magic of foil highlights in time to wed future Ed Hardy dreamboat Jon.
I can't get mad at her for this look. This photo is taken just a day or so after the birth of the sextuplets, and she's looking about as good as I would expect for someone who just did what she did.

Now we have the Reverse Mullet, the look that launched a thousand Halloween wigs and (allegedly) a lot of copy cats. I know of two myself. One was a 6-year-old girl (Moms: when it's your ex-husband's weekend with your daughter and he says he's taking her to beauty shop, think twice before consenting.) The other was a woman on a local TV commercial giving testimony about how Lap Band surgery changed her life.  You just know that Girlfriend spent years in a plus-size sweatsuit watching movies and television, dreaming of the day when she would be as thin and beautiful as the women on the screen. Now she's finally getting her moment, and she's rocking the most bizarre haircut of my lifetime [shaking head in disbelief.] To me this is like the haircut equivalent of Mad Libs. And this spray tan? I think she stole my self tanner. I ain't mad atcha, Kate. It looks better on you.
Just like the "Farrah" and the "Rachel" before, we knew that some day the Reverse Mullet would meet its end. I thought it would culminate in an awkward growing out phase, followed by simple but stylish shoulder-length layers. But clearly I am not Nostradamus. Alas, that squirrely broad has to keep us on our toes, and so she went in the complete opposite direction and appeared on the cover of People wearing Britney Spears' broke-ass weave and Paris Hilton's wonky eye. Seriously, it looks like that old Conan O'Brien segment where he predicts what the child of two celebrities would look like.

This look was so unfortunate, and because it couldn't have happened to a nicer person (read that last part with dripping sarcasm) she was the subject of endless mockery by everyone from the entertainment news outlets to her twin daughters. So, she hatched a plan for hair redemption. The weave went through a series of prunings so tedious and yawn-inducing, I don't even care to catalog it. But what we ended with yesterday was this:

Look familiar? My first reaction was "Jane Jetson", but then I remembered that Jane's bob had fabulous wings on top:

It was then I realized that Kate was channeling Velma from Scooby Doo:
Here's Velma bringing the sexy as we've never seen her before! Way to give Daphne a run for her money. Thanks, Cartoon Brew. I guess Kate's bob looks pretty good. Compared to the rat's nest it had been. It doesn't really look suitable for Dancing with the Stars, though, so I predict the weave or its cousin, the wig, will make a stunning return.

R.I.P. Reverse Mullet (2008 - 2010) Today, I pour out my hair gel for you.

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