Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Tool Awards: Jada Pinkett Smith as "Christina Hawthorne"

Picture me rolling my eyes. I watch a lot of TNT, because they know drama. If you've ever been unemployed, you know that daytime television leaves a lot to be desired, ever since:

1. John and Marlena were written off Days of Our Lives
2. Sherri Sheppard joined the ladies of The View
3. The E! Network has Kardashian coverage on a 24-hour feed
4. VH1's programming is geared towards a target audience that couldn't pass the GED exam. Or a syphillis exam.

Part of the drag of watching daytime television is the endless, repetitious promotion of their evening programming, most of which I don't give a toot about. (I'm trying out the word "toot", as I feel my sailor-like use of profanity is both unladylike and not baby-friendly.)

So, TNT is home to a medical drama called HawthoRNe. Isn't that clever? The title character is named Christina Hawthorne, and she's a Registered Nurse- RN. Get it? (Read that with a dollop of sarcasm.) It's about a feisty nurse who is so devoted to her patients that she isn't afraid to start a ruckus if that's what it takes to get the job done. You know the type, she's not afraid to be unpopular and take on "The Man". Yeah, it's a fresh new take on the medical drama. Let's allow TNT to describe this profoundly complex character for you (TNT prefers "dynamic" and "layered"):

"Christina Hawthorne is the kind of woman who always finds that extra something when it seems there’s nothing left to give. She is a woman of fiery passion when it comes to her patients, never being satisfied with doing something halfway. In her new role at James River, she’s not about to let another hospital slip into oblivion. On the homefront, she is trying to move on after her husband’s death, flirting with the possibility of a relationship with Dr. Wakefield. She tries to keep her teenage daughter in line while at the same time realizing she is growing into a young woman. "

Jada's performance of the trite dialogue is so heavy-handed that I can't help but laugh. This week's episode promises to show us Christina as we've never seen her before (read this with a deep, dramatic television announcer's voice): "Secrets...Surprises...and Marc Anthony!"

I hear the same soundbytes of dialogue in these promotional spots for the show so many times, I've taken to quoting her to Steve:

Christina Hawthorne: Is this the Ethics Department? Because I have an ethics COMPLAINT!

Nurse ObviouslyDoesn'tCareAsMuchAsChristinaHawthorne: Unfortunately, that's how the system works.
Christina Hawthorne: Unfortunately, the system isn't WORKING!

Christina Hawthorne: I may have lost the battle, but I won't lose the war.

Christina Hawthorne: There's no storm strong enough to keep me off my game. I'm Christina Hawthorne, and I run this.

Dr. Michael Vartan: You're out of bounds, Christina.
Christina Hawthorne: No, you're the one who's out of bounds.

Cops: You're under arrest.
Christina Hawthorne: Get off of me! I'm a nurse!

Sad Asian Kid: Is she gonna die?
Christina Hawthorne: Not on my watch.

Christina Hawthorne: I've gotta go slay the dragon, in his lair.

Head Doc In Charge: I need the names of six nurses you're willing to fire by the end of the day.
Christina Hawthorne: Are their cameras in here? Because I feel like I'm being punk'd.

This is like the medical drama equivalent of Natural Light beer. It's made of the recirculated stuff that wasn't deemed eligible to be in the quality stuff. In other words, I'd love it...if I'm already drunk.

1 comment:

  1. i expect nothing better from Mrs. Pinkett Smith. i lost it at "I've gotta go slay the dragon, in his lair."