1:00 AM: Robinson wakes me to be fed. We watch Cheaters. I wonder where this show has been all my life. It's like Masterpiece Theatre meets Jerry Springer. I laugh so hard I startle the baby.
1:30 AM: After an impressive burp, Robinson spits up all over himself, all over me, and all over the couch, and then promptly falls asleep in his own baby puke. I quickly wipe up the couch as best I can, and then take him to his room, where I sponge bathe him, change his diaper, change his clothes, and swaddle him. Better make it a double-swaddle, he's a sqirmy little nugget. I put him down in his bassinet and change my pajamas.
2:00 AM: Unable to sleep, I research treatments for baby acne on the internet. My beautiful, perfect baby cannot have a rash on his face. While doing this, I watch Amazing Cakes and recall how much I used to love looking at wedding cakes in Martha Stewart Weddings.
3:15 AM: I finally fall asleep.
3:30 AM: Robinson wakes me to be fed. An infomercial for some skincare line endorsed by the Kardashians is on. While watching the sisters Kardashian sell zit cream, I remember that I am currently wearing the Belly Bandit, a post-pregnancy compression garment endorsed by Kourtney Kardashian, and that yesterday I ran across ads for Quick Trim diet pills starring a couple of Kardashians in my Us Weekly. I change the channel and wonder if the Kardashians would take a dump in a box and sell that if it would make them enough money to pay for laser hair removal.
4:00 AM: Robinson is wide awake and doesn't want to be put back in his bassinet. We watch Married...With Children. I realize what an underrated sitcom this is. Unlike other sitcoms of yesteryear, it really stands the test of time. I also consider the possibility of dressing as Peg Bundy for Halloween. I already have the perfect belt and shoes...
7:30 AM: Operating on less than four hours of sleep isn't optimal, so I decide to nap while Robinson naps.
9:30 AM: Mom calls
10:00 AM: Robinson is hungry. Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford are drinking wine at 10:00 AM. I discover that I like Kathie Lee a whole lot more than I thought I did. I also realize that every time I see her, I get that Carnival Cruise Line jingle stuck in my head. The one she used to sing when she was their spokesperson, like 20 years ago.
11:00 AM: Comfortably situated in his bouncy seat under the watchful eye of Laney, I do the dishes, the laundry, fold Robinson's clothes, burp cloths, and receiving blankets and put them away.
12:00 PM: Robinson is dozed off in his bouncy chair. If I don't shower now, I may never get the chance. I move Robinson and his bouncy seat to the bathroom. After doing hair and makeup, I change into some clean loungewear. You can wear pajamas all day long, as long as you call it "loungewear". Write that down.
1:30 PM: Feed and change Robinson.
2:00 PM: Put Robinson in his bassinet. Pick him up again. Snuggle with him. Stare at him as he sleeps. Notice he's holding my index finger. Then he makes a funny pose with his hands. Take a picture and send it to my brother at work.
4:00 PM: Feed and change Robinson.
6:00 PM: Start cooking dinner. Remember that I have dogs. Feed the dogs.
7:00 PM: Feed and change Robinson
7:30 PM: Steve gets home from work, we eat dinner. I propose a no-feeding-Robinson-in-the-bed policy to prevent spit-up in our bed.
8:00 PM: Steve feeds Robinson. In our bed.
10:00 PM: I watch Chelsea Lately. Robinson is hungry again. Exhausted, I feed him in the bed, breaking our rule...
10:10 PM: Robinson projectile vomits all over the sheets, bed frame, carpet, and me. I strip the bed, clean the carpet, change my clothes. Surprisingly, Robinson escaped unscathed.
11:00 PM: Without spare sheets to put on our bed, Steve settles in on the couch, and Robinson and I relocate to the guest bedroom.
11:30 PM: Since Robinson spit-up most of the last bottle, he's already hungry again. I feed him and try not to fall asleep sitting up.