Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Day In the Life

What have I been doing, besides not blogging? Babies keep strange hours that aren't conducive to a productive, functioning adult lifestyle. Sort of like Lindsay Lohan. Because we live on a 24-hour baby care schedule, my days are running together and I often can't account for how I spent my time. Let's see if this helps jog my memory:

1:00 AM: Robinson wakes me to be fed. We watch Cheaters. I wonder where this show has been all my life. It's like Masterpiece Theatre meets Jerry Springer. I laugh so hard I startle the baby.

1:30 AM: After an impressive burp, Robinson spits up all over himself, all over me, and all over the couch, and then promptly falls asleep in his own baby puke. I quickly wipe up the couch as best I can, and then take him to his room, where I sponge bathe him, change his diaper, change his clothes, and swaddle him. Better make it a double-swaddle, he's a sqirmy little nugget. I put him down in his bassinet and change my pajamas.

2:00 AM: Unable to sleep, I research treatments for baby acne on the internet. My beautiful, perfect baby cannot have a rash on his face. While doing this, I watch Amazing Cakes and recall how much I used to love looking at wedding cakes in Martha Stewart Weddings.

3:15 AM: I finally fall asleep.

3:30 AM: Robinson wakes me to be fed. An infomercial for some skincare line endorsed by the Kardashians is on. While watching the sisters Kardashian sell zit cream, I remember that I am currently wearing the Belly Bandit, a post-pregnancy compression garment endorsed by Kourtney Kardashian, and that yesterday I ran across ads for Quick Trim diet pills starring a couple of Kardashians in my Us Weekly. I change the channel and wonder if the Kardashians would take a dump in a box and sell that if it would make them enough money to pay for laser hair removal.

4:00 AM: Robinson is wide awake and doesn't want to be put back in his bassinet. We watch Married...With Children. I realize what an underrated sitcom this is. Unlike other sitcoms of yesteryear, it really stands the test of time. I also consider the possibility of dressing as Peg Bundy for Halloween. I already have the perfect belt and shoes...
4:30 AM: Now enjoying a peaceful slumber, I slowly set Robinson down in his bassinet. This time, I have no trouble falling asleep.
6:30 AM: Robinson wakes me to be fed. Steve's awake and getting ready for work, the dogs are awake and frolicking through the house. Everybody is awake and morning is upon us. I try to watch the news and the Today show, but I'm unable to pay attention to much beyond the baby bottle. After a good burp, I change his diaper and dress Robinson for the day.

7:30 AM: Operating on less than four hours of sleep isn't optimal, so I decide to nap while Robinson naps.

9:30 AM: Mom calls

10:00 AM: Robinson is hungry. Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford are drinking wine at 10:00 AM. I discover that I like Kathie Lee a whole lot more than I thought I did. I also realize that every time I see her, I get that Carnival Cruise Line jingle stuck in my head. The one she used to sing when she was their spokesperson, like 20 years ago.

11:00 AM: Comfortably situated in his bouncy seat under the watchful eye of Laney, I do the dishes, the laundry, fold Robinson's clothes, burp cloths, and receiving blankets and put them away.

12:00 PM: Robinson is dozed off in his bouncy chair. If I don't shower now, I may never get the chance. I move Robinson and his bouncy seat to the bathroom. After doing hair and makeup, I change into some clean loungewear. You can wear pajamas all day long, as long as you call it "loungewear". Write that down.

1:30 PM: Feed and change Robinson.

2:00 PM: Put Robinson in his bassinet. Pick him up again. Snuggle with him. Stare at him as he sleeps. Notice he's holding my index finger. Then he makes a funny pose with his hands. Take a picture and send it to my brother at work.

4:00 PM: Feed and change Robinson.

6:00 PM: Start cooking dinner. Remember that I have dogs. Feed the dogs.

7:00 PM: Feed and change Robinson

7:30 PM: Steve gets home from work, we eat dinner. I propose a no-feeding-Robinson-in-the-bed policy to prevent spit-up in our bed.

8:00 PM: Steve feeds Robinson. In our bed.

10:00 PM: I watch Chelsea Lately. Robinson is hungry again. Exhausted, I feed him in the bed, breaking our rule...

10:10 PM: Robinson projectile vomits all over the sheets, bed frame, carpet, and me. I strip the bed, clean the carpet, change my clothes. Surprisingly, Robinson escaped unscathed.

11:00 PM: Without spare sheets to put on our bed, Steve settles in on the couch, and Robinson and I relocate to the guest bedroom.

11:30 PM: Since Robinson spit-up most of the last bottle, he's already hungry again. I feed him and try not to fall asleep sitting up.


  1. I am laughing so hard because this is so funny and SO true! Hang in there. These days will be gone before you know it. Surpisingly you'll miss more of it than you'd think ;)

  2. Hi,You don't know me but I randomly stumbled across your blog from someone else that went to Auburn's blog (I think). Anyway, I work from home sometimes and Hoda and Kathie Lee are ALWAYS drinking wine at 10 AM. I love it...wish I could do the same. You crack me up and your blog lets me know what I have to look forward to (umm...yeah) in a few years (but not now...SO not ready). Anyway, just wanted to let you know I enjoy your blog!

  3. I promise this will all pass and one day (not too far away) you WILL actually look back at the fog you are currently in and miss the days he was so small. I hear people tell me ALL THE TIME how fast it goes by. By the time he's 1 you'll already relate to the sentiment. Seems to me you are doing a wonderful job. I wouldn't have expected anything less.
    Love you!