Monday, April 26, 2010

So? You're Jennifer Freakin' Lopez!

I just need a minute, y'all:

It's no secret that I love my Us Weekly. The only day I check the mail is Thursday, so I can retrieve the newest issue as early as possible. Much to my chagrin, I was kept waiting an extra day this week (unacceptable!), so I was super excited to check the mail on Friday (don't judge me.) My excitement quickly turned to annoyance when Jennifer Lopez and her barely dressed, perma-glow body grinned at me from the cover. You're so smug, Jennifer.

Please, describe for me how you lost the baby weight with the help of personal chefs, home delivery meal services, a personal trainer, and a staff of nannies to watch your children while you exercise and primp. I'd also like to hear how you keep the sizzle in your marriage to that stud Marc Anthony. He is muy caliente! The way you continue to bring the sexy with the help of your glam squad--stylists, makeup artists, hairdressers, airbrush tanner, nail technician--I find you both accessible and inspirational. You always look so Photoshopped flawless in all your pictures.

I realize I totally sound like a Bitter Betty, and maybe it's just the third trimester talking, but allow me to clarify before I go: I [heart] pre-Bennifer Jennifer Lopez. I have no qualms about the fact that she's prettier and has more money than me, and has built an empire on what can best be described as marginal talent. But I roll my eyes when magazines like Us Weekly award her a meaningless title like "Style Icon of the Decade" and then ask her to share the secret of her success. I realize this is Us Weekly and that if substance is what I'm searching for I would be more satisfied reading a different periodical, but please stick to covering baby pictures, celebrity break-ups, and plastic surgery before-and-after stories. Don't parade a woman who has all the resources money can buy at her fingertips and try to tell me that she's extraordinary. Lucky, yes. But I expect her to look every bit this good. She's freakin' Jennifer Lopez!

Ok, I'm done.

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