Thursday, April 7, 2011

Did I Paint My Nails for This? | I'm a Grown-Up Now

I can remember a time, in the not-so-distant past, when I thought nothing of spontaneously inviting a pal over to my house to drink wine and watch The Bachelor. Impromptu happy hours at the end of the work day were a regular occurance. I could meet a friend for a Saturday lunch at the drop of a hat. Those days are over.
Now that my days are spent with my little boy, I require a bit more structure in my schedule. Ok, a lot more structure. If I want to see my friends, we have to get out our planners and schedule our get-together weeks, even a month in advance. We arrange for childcare, put on our lipstick, and dust off our favorite high heels. And now that it's an event, and it's a rare event, it has a name: Girls' Night Out.
Amy and I have been longing for a Girls' Night Out. It's been nearly two months since we last spent time together. We've had the date circled on our calendars, we've been counting down the days, and sending text messages to each other: "T-19 days until Girls' Night! Woo Hoo!"
We're getting decked out in our cutest outfits, and leaving our husbands and babies behind--so that we can sit on a patio somewhere and talk about our husbands and babies--while drinking an ice-cold Coors Light.
Because Girls' Night Out is an organized event, there is protocol that should not be ignored. It has come to my attention that some people are unaware of Girls' Night Out protocol, and so I am here to shed some light on this neglected topic. You're welcome.

Now, I use "Girls' Night Out" as a broad, general term. It doesn't have to be at night, and it doesn't have to be out. It could be Sunday Brunch, it could be Bunco night or a book club meeting at your home. Girls' Night Out's only requirement is that it is a gathering of two or more female friends for the purpose of recharging one's batteries and renewing the bonds of female friendship. This is important. It helps us to retain a sense of self and it makes us better wives, mothers, bosses, employees...whatever.
Girls' Night Out is the perfect place to talk about your new boyfriend. It is not the perfect place to bring your new boyfriend. Do you see the distinction here? I have a husband. I like my husband. If I'm going to spend the evening with a man, I would prefer it be him. I don't want to hang out with your dude. Even if you have declared he is "The One."

"Hey, Samantha. Stop being such a bitch."

Fair enough. But if I only get one night out in six weeks, don't I have the right to choose with whom I spend that time? Sure, my friend thinks this guy is "The One", but she thought her last boyfriend was "The One". She called him The One as they waxed each other's eyebrows. She called him The One as they whispered baby-talk in each other's ears while gently caressing each other's face and hair and calling each other "Babe" . She called him The One as they made out at the dinner table in the middle of a crowded restaurant in front of my husband and brother. She called him The One as they disappeared to the bathroom for 25 minutes without explanation and missed dinner entirely. Old Boy was totally The One. He was The One until they were separated by an ocean. And later by a court order.
So, yeah--call me what you will, but going forward, if I'm being invited to a meet-and-greet with this friend and The One, I'm gonna RSVP "No".
So that's our lesson for this week, Grown-Ups and aspiring Grown-Ups: Girls' Night Out is a chicks-only affair. For co-ed mingling, let's plan a cookout, let's drink beer and watch the ballgame somewhere with a big-screen TV. Trivia night at the neighborhood bar is always a good time. Outside of Girls' Night Out, I rather enjoy the company of the fellas, including your new dude.

All images by Anne Taintor


  1. ice-cold Coors Light? Fail. Bud Light, Miller's light? Shiner Light Blonde?You are in Texas after all.

    These are all vastly superior.

    Lets get with the program.

    PS, if you want a puppy we have puppies.

  2. @PupSquadFoster: Haha! I was just WAITING for somebody to give me hell for saying I drank Coors Light! In my defense, I chose to drink the same beer as my girlfriend in order to make the job easier for our inattentive waitress. I have Miller Lite in my fridge, does that redeem me a little? :)