Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Further Proof that I'm a Better Mom Than You

If you've never read my blog, you're probably wondering what kind of smug twit would publish a blog post with such an arrogant title. You should know that it's Opposite Day here at Three Mutts and a Baby. When this is over, you're gonna be the smug one, because whatever insecurities you may have about your abilities as a mother, I'm about to make you feel really good about yourself. Even if you're not a mother, you're gonna feel superior to me, because you'll be quite certain that you'd do a better job with your non-existant, hypothetical children than I am doing with my real child (isn't that always the case, though?) Consider this post a shot in the arm to your self confidence. What can I say? I'm a generous soul.

The same week Robinson learned to crawl, I was dogsitting Bella the Beagle from down the street. That means I was taking tons of pictures, and Bella appears in many of them. Bella has never lived with a baby, so I was astounded by how gentle and tolerant she was as Robinson man-handled her.

He invaded her personal space...
 He smooshed her face...
 He grabbed and jingled her dog tags...
 He followed her everywhere she went...
 He gave her lots of love...
 But it was clear to anyone observing the pair that Rob was totally OWNING Bella.
This went on for eight days. I was surprised that Bella continually allowed Robinson to dominate her in this way. I kept a close watch, as I was sure at some point Bella would tire of being smacked around by Robinson's baby mitts and she would retaliate. I didn't have to wait long.

Moments after this photo is taken, I'm sitting in the floor, just feet away from Robinson, scrolling through the images on my camera and deleting the shots I don't like, when all of a sudden I hear a thud and Robinson bursts into tears. I look up to see Robinson, stretched out on his back, screaming in horror as Bella the Beagle vigorously humps Robinson's face without mercy.

I snatch my baby up off the floor in 0.2 seconds and immediately Robinson stops crying and I clean him up. As embarrassing as this is, I'm even more embarrassed to admit what happened next. As soon as I knew he was ok, I cracked up. The kind of laughter where you're trying so hard not to laugh out loud that your whole body shakes and your eyes fill with tears. 

This is the part where you shake your head disapprovingly.

You think I'm horrible, right? What kind of mother laughs hysterically as a frisky beagle simulates sex on her baby's skull? This one [points at self with both thumbs]. But hey, I could have been worse. I could taken the time to photograph the moment, and I didn't. So I'll leave you with this disturbing image:


  1. Hahahaha! If it makes you feel AT ALL better (not that you need to...Mama's deserve to laugh, especially at no harm/no foul-ish situations like this), I've heard humping is an act of dominance (versus sexiness). Bella was just trying to show Rob who's the real boss...of his face. Heehee. Thanks for the giggle, girl! :)

  2. I am less disturbed by the dog in the picture and more by what the kid in the background is doing!