Three Is A Magic Number

Robinson Reid

Born Thursday, July 22, 2010
7:29 PM
9 pounds, 9 ounces
22.25 inches

A man and a woman had a little baby

There were three in the family

And that's a magic number

Showtime, Synergy!

I don't know. When Juno went into labor, she announced it to her father by shouting "Thundercats are go!" Remarkably, he knew exactly what she meant, and they zoomed off to the hospital (rather frantically, I might add).  Since I learned everything I know about life pregnancy from movies and television, I assumed I too needed an 80s cartoon catch phrase to sound the arrival of the blessed child. I'm a big fan of Jem. She's truly outrageous. When she would transform from Jerrica to her rock star alter ego, Jem, using her holographic computer (as you do), she'd say "Showtime, Synergy!" If only I could touch my Jem star earrings (featuring remote hologram micro projectors, duh) and be magically transported to the hospital, into a designer hospital gown a la Tori Spelling, with my epidural already administered. I don't think that's asking too much.

Anydiva, Steve and I have spent the entire pregnancy speculating as to whether our son will be born looking like me, with a red pompadour, or like Steve, who was nicknamed "possum" during infancy because, well, he looked exactly like a possum.

Now I'm off to the hospital for some child birthin'. I'm all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. Am I about to give birth to Possum Junior, or Mini Conan O'Brien? Discuss.

No Baby Today, and No Baby Tomorrow

I've been saying since the very beginning of this pregnancy that I'm gonna go to the very end, past my due date, and straight on to induction town. Nobody believed me then, and nobody believes me now, because I still get lots of emails, messages, and texts asking "Baby?!?" Always with the question marks and the exclamation points. It's kind of funny, as if after all this time--40 weeks of pregnancy, a baby shower, a baby blog, baby Facebook status updates--that I would now conceal the existence of a child.

I'll be induced Thursday morning and by dinner time I should be holding a big, fat baby. He better be fat. I've been pregnant so long, he could be born with a full set of teeth and I wouldn't be surprised. I crossed a threshold when I passed my due date and transformed from calm and patient to miserable and disgruntled. I can't wait to not be a pregnant lady anymore. I'm especially excited to stop looking like present-day Val Kilmer and return to better days. Top Gun Val Kilmer, The Island of Dr. Moreau Val Kilmer, Batman Val Kilmer...I'm not asking for The Doors Val Kilmer, that's just too much to hope for, but The Saint Val Kilmer or Tombstone Val Kilmer would be nice. I'm just sayin'.

Motivational Misty

Jarred: care for a Misty update to brighten your day?
Me: YES!
Jarred: 1st, she got clearance to speak to female prisoners. In some sort of "Scared Straight" program.
Me: Like that SNL sketch where they tell stories about their scrapes with the law but they're really just telling the plot of a movie?
Jarred: 2nd, she regaled us with a story of how she once beat a drug test by filling the cup with hot water and Mountain Dew. I wonder if she will tell that story to the convicts so maybe next time they can trick their parole officer.
Me: I can't believe that worked!
Jarred: She said they mailed it off and she never heard back. Guess they don't test them all. She even put it in a glass bottle and brought her lighter in case she had to had to heat it up.

Insult, Meet Injury

Well, I've tried to be a good sport about this whole going-past-my-due-date thing, but this is a little bit much. I still think that this child won't be born until labor is induced on Thursday, but rather than spending the next three days shopping, nesting, getting my nails done and having fun, I've been sick since yesterday. I don't know anybody who gave birth and was sick at the same time. I hope I'm better by Thursday. I'm either having major allergy problems, or it's a cold or sinus infection. If I could have sneezed myself into labor, it would have happened yesterday. Now I'm just fighting a horrible sinus headache and sore throat and I only sleep 20 minutes at a time. I'm having trouble forming a coherent sentence, so I'm gonna stop, but I figured if I didn't update my blog that people would think I was in labor. No such luck, the bun is still in the oven.