Money for Nothing and the Chicks Aren't Free | I'm a Grown-Up Now

I was watching Kathie Lee and Hoda and drinking a cup of coffee when they began talking about a new dating site called What's Your Price. They explained it like this: if you join this dating site, you are either the "attractive" one or the "generous" one. The generous members peruse the site, viewing profiles of the attractive members, and when they see somebody they like, they make a monetary offer for the date. The attractive member, in turn, names her price as well. This monetary offer is in addition to the generous person paying for the actual date. Cash only. 50% at the beginning of the date, 50% at the completion of the date is the recommended protocol according to the site. If this sounds a lot like an escort service, it says that it isn't because there is no mention of hanky panky or even a disclaimer assuring that this site isn't about sexual favors exchanged for money. So there you go.

I'm sad to say I actually know women who already do this sort of thing. They prowl Match.com for older men with money. They go to dinner with them, exchange playful text messages, and then later, the women call these men from the hair salon and say in baby talk, "Daddy, I need hair extensions!" and the next thing they know, the man is giving his credit card number to the salon receptionist and paying for $500 hair extensions for this twenty-something girl who may or may not go out with him again. Some women seriously supplement their income this way.

After explaining the premise of the dating site, I continued to listen to Kathie Lee and Hoda discuss the topic as I walked into the kitchen to unload the dishwasher. They were hypothetically discussing what their price would be for a first date. I also considered my own price. The very first thought that popped into my head: do I have to pay taxes on this? Because that would affect my price considerably. I'm a grown-up. I have to think about these things.

And, in case you were wondering, I decided that in an alternate universe, where I'm single, and I think this sort of thing is a good idea, my ballpark price (being the attractive person, of course) would be $500, payable in either cash or Outback Steakhouse gift certificates. What? I like steak.

What's your price?

Further Proof that I'm a Better Mom Than You

If you've never read my blog, you're probably wondering what kind of smug twit would publish a blog post with such an arrogant title. You should know that it's Opposite Day here at Three Mutts and a Baby. When this is over, you're gonna be the smug one, because whatever insecurities you may have about your abilities as a mother, I'm about to make you feel really good about yourself. Even if you're not a mother, you're gonna feel superior to me, because you'll be quite certain that you'd do a better job with your non-existant, hypothetical children than I am doing with my real child (isn't that always the case, though?) Consider this post a shot in the arm to your self confidence. What can I say? I'm a generous soul.

The same week Robinson learned to crawl, I was dogsitting Bella the Beagle from down the street. That means I was taking tons of pictures, and Bella appears in many of them. Bella has never lived with a baby, so I was astounded by how gentle and tolerant she was as Robinson man-handled her.

He invaded her personal space...

 He smooshed her face...

 He grabbed and jingled her dog tags...

 He followed her everywhere she went...

 He gave her lots of love...

 But it was clear to anyone observing the pair that Rob was totally OWNING Bella.

This went on for eight days. I was surprised that Bella continually allowed Robinson to dominate her in this way. I kept a close watch, as I was sure at some point Bella would tire of being smacked around by Robinson's baby mitts and she would retaliate. I didn't have to wait long.

Moments after this photo is taken, I'm sitting in the floor, just feet away from Robinson, scrolling through the images on my camera and deleting the shots I don't like, when all of a sudden I hear a thud and Robinson bursts into tears. I look up to see Robinson, stretched out on his back, screaming in horror as Bella the Beagle vigorously humps Robinson's face without mercy.

I snatch my baby up off the floor in 0.2 seconds and immediately Robinson stops crying and I clean him up. As embarrassing as this is, I'm even more embarrassed to admit what happened next. As soon as I knew he was ok, I cracked up. The kind of laughter where you're trying so hard not to laugh out loud that your whole body shakes and your eyes fill with tears. 

This is the part where you shake your head disapprovingly.

You think I'm horrible, right? What kind of mother laughs hysterically as a frisky beagle simulates sex on her baby's skull? This one [points at self with both thumbs]. But hey, I could have been worse. I could taken the time to photograph the moment, and I didn't. So I'll leave you with this disturbing image:

Cinematic Vernacular

Lots of people like to quote movies. There are websites and magazine articles devoted to listing the great memorable quotes in cinema. This is not one of those posts. This post is about my recent realization that there are movie quotes and dialogue that Steve and I have seen together over the years that somehow seeped into our language. If someone overhearing our conversation was unfamiliar with the film we were referencing, they might be confused by what we're saying. Here is a rundown of movie lines that Steve and I commonly use in the context of our conversations. So nobody will have to ask me, "Who's Shelby?" ever again.



 

Line: "Bring your green hat."
Movie: Old School
Background: A highly intoxicated Frank (Will Ferrell) strips naked during a college party where Snoop Dogg is performing. He commandeers the microphone and invites everyone to join him as he goes streaking through the quad into the gymnasium. As Frank tries to recruit Snoop to join him, Snoop's spiritual advisor Don Magic Juan, wearing a green hat, steps between them. Frank encourages him to come along, saying "It's cool, I'm cool, bring your green hat, let's go".
How we use it in a sentence: It's a way of saying "Come with me right now", or "Just come as you are"
Example: "We're meeting for dinner at a place near work. Come on, bring your green hat."

Line: "I'm an excellent driver"
Movie: Rain Man
Background: Raymond (Dustin Hoffman) is the autistic brother of Charlie (Tom Cruise). They go on a road trip in a vintage car. Raymond repeatedly announces that he is an excellent driver, among other things.
How we use it in a sentence: Whenever Steve and I are getting ready to go somewhere together, we inevitably have a conversation about which car we'll take and who will drive. We say this line in our best "Dustin Hoffman" voice.
Example:
Steve: Let's take your car.
Me: I'm an excellent driver.

Line: "Drink your juice, Shelby"
Movie: Steel Magnolias
Background: Diabetic Shelby (Julia Roberts) gets a little too much insulin on her wedding day. While having her hair done at Truvy's (Dolly Parton) Salon, she has a reaction. Everyone rushes to her aid, but her mom (Sally Field) asserts that "juice is better" and she struggles to force juice down an uncooperative Shelby's throat.
How we use it in a sentence: Whenever somebody is babbling nonsense, they are advised to "drink their juice". It's a polite way of saying "you should probably stop talking." This person is often tipsy or hungover, or maybe just groggy and sleep-deprived, and is always holding a beverage when this is said to them.

Line: "I don't know, Margo!"
Movie: Christmas Vacation
Background: Todd and Margo (Nicholas Guest and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss) are the yuppie a-holes who live next door to the Griswolds, and look down on them for not meeting their high-class standards. Throughout the movie, Clark's (Chevy Chase) holiday misadventures make Todd and Margo's life a living hell. Todd and Margo come home late one night to find their stereo destroyed by an unknown object (a block of ice that Clark managed to send flying from his gutters through their window). Confused and aggravated, Margo asks, "And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?", he responds with the utmost yuppie-angst: "I don't know, Margo!"
How we use it in a sentence: Whenever we feel we've been asked a dumb question, or one that we have no reason to know the answer.
Example:
Samantha: What time does American Idol come on?
Steve: I don't know, Margo!

Line: "It'd be a lot cooler if you did"
Movie: Dazed and Confused
Background: Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey) is the older guy who has already graduated, but still hangs around with high schoolers. He picks up freshman Mitch and asks, "Say, man, you got a joint?" Trying to play cool, Mitch casually replies, "No, not on me, man," and Wooderson smiles and says, "It'd be a lot cooler if you did."
Example:
Me: Did you pick up more formula for Robinson?
Steve: Aw, no...
Me: It'd be a lot cooler if you did.

Line: "Say 'What' again!"
Movie: Pulp Fiction
Background: Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) is a hit man on an assignment. He brandishes a handgun while questioning a young man named Brett. Brett is too terrified of the gun to say anything but "What". This creates a very unproductive conversation, leading Jules to threaten Brett to "Say 'what' again!"
Example:
Steve: So the craziest thing happened at work today...
Me: [reading and not paying attention] What?
Steve: Say 'what' again!

Line: "You're killing me, Smalls"
Movie: The Sandlot
Background: Scotty Smalls is camping with his buddies, when Ham offers him a s'more. Scotty doesn't know what a s'more is, prompting Ham to say "You're killing me, Smalls"This phrase is commonly used as a sign of frustration towards a person's cluelessness or ineptitude (per Urban Dictionary)
How we use it in a sentence:
Me: What are you doing? The Bachelor finale is on right now!
Steve: But the Rangers are playing a double-header!
Me: You're killing me, Smalls.

Line: "Bitch! I don't know your life!"
Movie: Baby Mama
Background: Angie (Amy Poehler) is Kate's (Tina Fey) surrogate mother and is staying in her apartment. Kate confronts Angie when she discovers wads of gum under her coffee table. Even though we see her do it, Angie says she doesn't know if she put the gum there, and that maybe Kate put some of the gum there.
Kate: Yeah, actually, you might be right. ‘Cause sometimes, when I work a really long day, I like to come home and chew a huge wad of Bubblicious gum and stick it under my reclaimed barnwood coffee table!
Angie: Bitch, I don’t know your life!
How we use it in a sentence: I might say this in response to a person who has misdirected hostility over me not knowing something that I would have no way of knowing.
Example:
Me: Can you come early tomorrow night?
Steve: I can't! I have to meet with some reps at Outback after work.
Me: Bitch, I don't know your life!

Line: "I feel teriboo!"
Movie: Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Background: Rock star Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) is vacationing in a Hawaiian hotel where Matthew (Jonah Hill) is an employee and aspiring musician. He slips a demo CD to Aldous, urging him to listen so that he won't miss the opportunity to discover his talent. To persuade him, Matthew imitates Aldous, which sounds more like an Ozzy Osbourne impression, saying "OH! I saw that guy! He was my waiter and I totally dismissed him like everybody else does... in his life. And I totally was wrong cuz he's a major, major, major influence on me now... and I feel terrible!" But his fake British accent sounds like he says "I feel teriboo!"
How we use it in a sentence: Basically, whenever we make a mistake or forget something important
Me: I totally forgot my mom's birthday!
Steve: I feel teriboo!

So what about you? Are there any movie lines that have taken on their own meaning for you, or that are used as a kind of short-hand between you and your friends or family?

Because I'm Boring-Ass Boring: A Post About Baby Bibs

The other day while I was on the phone with Kristen discussing baby bibs (as you do), my longtime pal, trusted advisor, and experienced mother of three (three under three I might add), notified me that I simply must purchase a wipeable (Google confirms "wipeable" is a word) bib for feeding solid foods to Robinson. 

The next day, I took young Rob to Buy Buy Baby, and among our purchases was a bib. Man, are these bibs ugly! I found a couple I liked though. We know how indecisive I am. So how was I to choose between these two bibs?

 I personally was leaning towards the lion, so I enthusiastically showed Robinson this bib first:

And then he looked at me like this...

Is it just me, or does he not look amused? Not wanting too read to much into the facial expressions of an infant, I showed him this bib next, with the same enthusiasm as with the lion bib:

Now I'm holding a bib in each hand, so he can look at both bibs at the same time. He looks back at the lion bib, then he looks at the dog bib, and while still staring at the dog bib, he makes this face:

So the dog bib is the winner. And he still smiles when he looks at it. I thought this was so sweet, I immediately called my mom to tell her about it. It sounds so insignificant, but this was the very first time Robinson has indicated a preference for something. That's a big deal! By the way, Kristen was right (is she ever wrong?) about the wipeable bib. You must have one.

I Said "Yay!" Out Loud When I Read This

My interest in celebrity gossip was sliced in half after the birth of my son. Kinda like the way my abdomen was sliced in half in order to rip the nearly ten-pound baby from my womb.

I'll give you a moment to allow that image to sink in.

Did I ever tell you that the nurse anesthetist present during the birth of my son somehow managed to swipe my brother's camera and, despite our urging that she not photograph the events that transpired, she painstakingly documented the cesarean delivery in photographs? The camera was later returned to my brother nonchalantly with no hint as to content of the images now stored in his camera's memory card. I got a phone call about a week later from my traumatized brother, "Geez, Samantha. That was graphic. You should have warned me." File that under "Things that can't be unseen."

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I no longer follow celebrity gossip with the same enthusiasm, but I do scan Cele|Bitchy almost daily to stay abreast of current pop culture events. Two stories that broke yesterday actually made me say "Yay!" out loud, so I thought I would share them with you. A Happy Friday, indeed!

Tina Fey is having a baby! Yay!

Tina Fey is expecting her second child with husband of ten years Jeff Richmond. She is currently five months along. Tina and Jeff have a five-year-old daughter named Alice.

Tina made the big announcement while taping a segment with Oprah to promote her new book, Bossypants.

I'm a big admirer of Tina Fey. I think she's wicked smart and funny and am happy to see women like her succeed in Hollywood (and anywhere else for that matter). At 40 years old, I'm happy for her to be nearly halfway through what I hope is a healthy and easy pregnancy.

I'm super excited about her new book, Bossypants. The cover of the book makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. I think I'll pick up a copy from my local book store, and save it to read out loud to my pal Baker when we are in Florida this summer for the annual girls' beach trip. The last time we were all together, I was reading Chelsea Handler's memoir, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Baker and I took turns reading chapters aloud to each other and we were laughing so loudly that our sides began to hurt and the sunbathers nearby asked what we were reading so they could go buy a copy. Here we are basking in the sunshine and the laughter:

Mariska Hargitay adopted a baby girl! Yay!

I think Mariska Hargitay is a classy lady. She has a precious family and seems like a loving and devoted mother. She and her husband Peter Hermann adopted an American baby girl and named her Amaya Josephine. She announced the news to People magazine. I lifted this quote from Cele|Bitchy, via People:

“We were considering both international and domestic adoption and we’re thrilled that this is the way our prayers were answered,” she adds. “We talked a lot about mixed-race adoptions, and we are very excited that we are now a multi-racial family. We’re just so happy she’s here.”

And there’s one family member who’s more excited than anyone: Hargitay’s 4-year-old son, August.

“He is over the moon,” says the actress. “He calls her his baby because he says the whole thing was his idea. He always talks about how he’s going to protect her. He’s going to be a great big brother.”

How sweet is that? Have a great weekend, everybody!