I Seem to Have Lost My Voice

People blog because they have something to say. From the looks of my blogging activity as of late, I either have nothing to say, or I've lost my voice. I used to blog daily, and I found that the more I blogged, the more I had to say. For the past few months, my blogging has consisted of: type type type type type, backspace backspace backspace. I have partially finished drafts and drafts that go unpublished because they seem too dull to be read. Calling it "writer's block" would be an oversimplification, as I've noticed that this inability to articulate my feelings isn't limited to blogging. It applies to my real life as well. Allow me to elaborate on this matter. If I can muster the enthusiasm.

You should know going into this that I am regarded as an overly chatty, friendly person. The phrase, "She can talk to a tree stump" gets thrown around left and right when people describe me. That's pretty much all the background information you need.

Exhibit A: I attended a baby shower when Robinson was a newborn, and I was so exhausted, distracted, and overwhelmed, carrying on a conversation felt nearly impossible. I was trying to talk to an acquaintance who I very much like, and rarely see. She's a really sweet person, and although I see her only twice a year or so, we always carry on the easiest, most pleasant conversations. At this party, I found myself struggling to string a sentence together. I wasn't up to the task of bantering back and forth. Carrying on a conversation is like two people trying to keep a ball in the air, and every time she passed to me, I dropped it. I chalked it up to a bad day. I've never been off my game like this before.

Exhibit B: A couple months later, I attend an all-ladies get together. There were about twenty ladies in attendance, and the only person I knew was the hostess. I've attended many of these sorts of events before. I always go alone and am a social butterfly and leave having made at least one new friend. This time was different. I brought a "safety net" with me. Since I only knew the hostess, and I recently found myself socially stunted, I brought a friend with me so that I could talk to her and wouldn't have to awkwardly attempt conversation with a stranger. I spoke to nobody at this party except the hostess and the safety net.

Exhibit C: A couple months later, I attended another all-ladies get together. Another baby shower. I did not speak to anyone there who I didn't already know. I sat in a corner with my baby and tried to keep him entertained so he wouldn't cry and ruin the party. I was so relieved for the handful of friends who were also in attendance so I wasn't force to socialize with anybody else.

This is so the opposite of me. How have I gotten so out of touch? In addition to the social awkwardness I'm experiencing blogger paralysis. I can attribute this to several factors:

1. Opportunity. Part of what made my blogging so frequent and dependable was that I always had a computer at my fingertips. I had the opportunity to type and publish a post as soon as the thoughts entered my mind.

2. Timeliness. Once my lifestyle went from spending 40+ hours a week in front of a computer to being a mom who's completely occupied with taking care of my home, my baby, and myself, I wasn't able to type a blog post the moment I became inspired. Evidently, time is of the essence for me. If I have a spark of inspiration, but the moment passes and I don't type my thoughts, the enthusiasm completely leaves me. And, even if I felt totally inspired and enthusiastic in the moment, if my baby happens to be crying or needs me, the opportunity to blog is lost. 

3. Inspiration. My blog posts are like little essays. I will see a photo or read an article or hear a soundbyte or have a conversation with somebody, and from there I will construct an organized post. Lately, I don't care about anything enough to write an entire post about it. Lots of moms blog about their children and their lives, but I don't get out much--I stay home all day taking care of a baby, and that baby can't do much yet that's blog-worthy--so there's nothing in my personal life that's interesting enough to post about. I've always been interested in pop culture, but lately I just don't give a rat's ass. I could type a sentence or two sharing my observations and opinions, but nothing that comes close to the multi-paragraph posts of the past.

I'd love to post a coherent thought on this blog. Hopefully I'll regain the ability to write, but at the moment I seem completely incapable. I'm not sure what this says about me. I'm hoping that the act of posting this blog will grease the wheels, so to speak. Am I using that metaphor correctly? Also, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that this post on my inability to post is awfully long. And boring. That is all.

"I am not amused"