She's Only 24?

If Heidi Montag's face could move, she'd blow out the candles on her birthday cake today. Our Lady of Silicone is turning 24. I wonder what she would wish for: her very own MTV series, a normal husband, a repaired relationship with her family, or her original body parts?

Call me what you will, but I liked Original Heidi. A lot, actually. I thought she was super cute. This is how I prefer to remember our girl. Oh, and she'd wish for her own MTV show. As if there was any doubt.

Discovering that today Heidi is only 24 is shocking. I knew she was a few years younger than me, it's just that all those plastic surgeries, all those publicity stunts, the fake wedding, the real wedding, the reality show, the I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! fiasco, getting fired from The Hills, alienating all of her friends, the fake marriage separation, the sexual harassment lawsuit threats, the estrangement from family, the crazy husband, the persistent courting of the paparazzi--these are all the acts of much older, desperate, aging starlet--not a young woman of 23. 

Exhibit A: Desperate Demi Moore

Exhibit B: Desperate Lisa Rinna

Exhibit C: Desperate Teri Hatcher

Exhibit D: Desperate Jessica Simpson (even she waited til her mid-twenties to get super-desperate)

I didn't even have to go trolling the archives to find photographic proof of the desperation that exists in Hollywood amongst the "older" ladies. These photos are all from within the last month.

24 was my "scary age". I know, that sounds ridiculous--I should have chosen something more predictable, like 36 or 43--but hear me out. 24 is the age where you are truly, truly an adult. You can't compete for Miss America after age 24. If you went to college--even if you changed majors or took a semester off to go backpacking through Europe--you should have successfully earned your Bachelor's degree by now. If you want to commit youthful indiscretions (i.e. quickie Vegas wedding, tongue piercing, obnoxious lower back tattoo, drunken acts of vandalism, DUI, drug experimentation, etc) you will be judged differently for doing said things before the age of 24 than you will after the age of 24--by your family, your peers, and maybe even a court of law. When I turned 24, I had never done any of the things mentioned above, and since I was also too old to audition for The Real World, I knew I never would.

So, now that she has reached the ripe-old "for real grown up" age of 24, what's Heidi gonna do? If she's smart (and her family insists that she is) she will realize that she's already done all the provocative, shocking things the public is willing to tolerate. She is at a cross roads and needs to decide which path to choose:

Britney or Christina?

Paris or Nicole?

Lindsay or Hilary?

Jessica or Ashlee?

Have I made my point? Can I stop now?

It's a new year, Heidi. Try being a little more like your old friend, Lauren Conrad and a little less like Tila Tequila.

 

A Word to the Wise

I spent some time with Amy on Sunday. After paying a visit to her guest bathroom, I had this to say:

Me: I just washed my hands with your Bath and Body Works Creamy Pumpkin handsoap, and I liked everything about it...except for the name "Creamy Pumpkin".
Amy: [laughing] Oh, really? Is "creamy" one of your "words"?
Me: Yes, yes it is. A pumpkin can be many things, but "creamy" should never be one of them. Great soap, though.

Hmm...I forgot I told her about my "words". It's true, the word "creamy" really skeeves me out. In fact, I have a whole informal list of words that skeeve me out, that I would rather ban from the English language.

Let me back up just a click: I love words. It irritates me to no end that we live in a culture where our lexicon is evaporating more with each generation, where a few multi-purpose words take the place of sparsely used, more specific words. See, I used "sparsely" just now, without even thinking about it. I loathe the pretentious use of vocabulary words to demonstrate intelligence or make others feel dumb (I'm looking at you, Ashley Judd. You dropped out of college.* Put down your pocket Thesaurus.) Ehh, that comment would have made more sense when Ashley Judd was still making movies with Morgan Freeman relevant. You probably can't remember listening to her wax philosophical when talking about her latest film where she portrays yet another victim who fights back. Trust me, I have an above-average vocabulary, and she threw around obscure words that added nothing to what she had to say, and made people scratch their heads and go, "Huh?"

"Wait, maybe reading F. Scott Fitzgerald’s entire oeuvre is my high point!" - Ashley Judd

I digress. As I was saying, I'm against fancy vocab word-dropping just as much as I'm against the watered-down vocabulary of the average American today.  In high school, friends used to tease me and say that I talked like a Dawson's Creek script. Those kids with their melodrama, they used great SAT vocab words that bordered on pretentious.

"For the past five years, your brother has been nagging you to spend a day with him observing the police process, and you've always told him to stick it. Then, you take one meaningless career aptitude exam, and suddenly you're watching the lost episodes of 'Cop Rock' and taking him up on this dubious invitation." - Joey Potter

It's not that I want to use "big" words that others don't understand. Truthfully, I'm not that well-read. The only non-baby book I read this year was Chelsea Handler's memoir. Who am I trying to fool? Somehow, somewhere along the way, I've picked up an expansive vocabulary. I can't un-know these words, and I can't make myself substitute the word "big" when I know the word "expansive" is a better description. I'm not going to call somebody "anal" when I really mean "meticulous", "persnickety" or "fastidious". I can't help myself.

That being said, I have a few words that I avoid using, because I simply don't like the way they look or sound, or I don't like the way they sound within a certain context, or they conjure up a negative image in any context. The use of these words sends a shiver down my spine. I've come to find that I'm not alone. I have many friends who feel the same way about certain words. Now, to be clear: just because you think vomit is gross doesn't mean you have to dislike the word "vomit".  A word used to describe something yucky doesn't mean the word itself is creepy. (For the record, "ralph" is my favorite euphemism for vomiting). Disliking the meaning of a word isn't the same as disliking the word. That's why racial slurs, bodily functions and crude names for the human anatomy are not on my list. Ok, I'm rambling. Here's my list of words I have banned from my vocabulary...even typing them will be difficult. Additionally, because this question always comes next, I explain how I avoid using these words:

• fluffy: I'm especially creeped out when this word is used to describe food. (see creamy) If it's being used to describe something else like pillows or bunnies, well...I find some other quality to emphasize, like "soft", "cozy", or "cute"
• creamy: If something is supposed to be "creamy" and it is creamy, simply describe it as acceptable or satisfactory or good. There's no need to elaborate.
• moist: I avoid this word at all costs. I would describe that cake as "not dry".
• sibling: Yes, I always say "brothers and sisters" instead.
• cuddle: Snuggle is better.
• fundus: This word is used a lot in pregnancy. My doctor managed never to say it, so neither do I.
• spouse: "Husband" or "Wife" is perfectly acceptable.
• puberty: Let's just not talk about it.
• blouse: Top, shirt, whatever. This word is easily avoidable.
• genitals: "Junk" is a non-threating substitute.
• panties: I like undies, knickers, and unmentionables.

And some words that bother my friends:

• discharge: My friend's dislike for this word even applies when firearms discharge. She says they "fire" or "go off"
• package: My friend actually refers to a delivery from FedEx as a "parcel".
• crusty
• chode
• snatch
• ointment
• womb
• slacks

There, I've shared quite enough of my quirkiness for one day. What words am I not allowed to say in front of you?

*Ashley Judd returned to the University of Kentucky 17 years later and successfully completed her course requirements to earn her Bachelor's Degree...and she takes classes at Harvard now for funsies, so you don't have to stick up for her. I think she's wicked-smart, ok?

I'm a Shadowboxer Baby

What is he so captivated by, you ask? His reflection in the mirror. Yep, he's definitely his mother's child.

Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Wife

"...cuz they rapin' erry-body out herrre"

A warning to would-be rapists in Lincoln Park, the housing projects of Huntsville, Alabama: When choosing whose bedroom window to climb into, skip the Dodsons'. They've put you on blast! These are the sassiest, most indignant crime victims I've ever seen. I love them.

"You can run and tell that--homeboy!"

P.S. Between this news piece and Struttin' That Ass, Huntsville is quickly becoming my new favorite city.



Thanks, Jason!

My DVD Collection is More Embarrassing Than Your DVD Collection

I'm almost two months into this journey called motherhood, and I expected to have blogged more about the adventure. What can I say about being a mom so far? Rob looks super cute in his camo onesie, I find his burps impossibly charming, Pampers Swaddlers are my diaper of choice. I'll blog about all of these things, then I'll sell the movie rights. It's fascinating, compelling stuff. If my new life as a mom were made into a movie, I wouldn't want it to be some kind of Oscar Award darling like Slumdog Millionaire, no sir-ee. Those films are seen once or twice in the theatre, possibly purchased on DVD to add to your collection and make you seem sophisticated, but are rarely viewed or quoted. Nope, I'd rather go down in infamy--as a guilty pleasure movie. I'm talking Weekend at Bernie's, people. You know what I mean: the movies we all know and love, even if we hesitate to admit it for fear of ridicule.

Clearly, I have no pride or fear of ridicule, as demonstrated in my sometimes embarrassingly candid blog posts. I'm so revealing, I stop just short of showing you my stretch marks...but I will admit that I have stretch marks. In need of further proof that I have no shame? This real phone conversation took place last Saturday:

Amy: What are you doing?
Me: Laying on the couch, watching My Girl 2
Amy: What?! Don't tell me that!
Me: No?
Amy: No! Make something up. Jeez.

Pfft. Whatevs. If you can't tell your bestie that you're watching a forgettable, never-should-have-been-made-in-the-first-place movie sequel on basic cable, who can you tell? It's not like I ordered it off of Netflix. This got me thinking more about guilty pleasure movies: What are they, and why do we love them so?

To me, a guilty pleasure movie is a film that you secretly love, watch repeatedly, and includes at least one of the following components:

1. A complete lack of redeeming social or artistic value (see: Joe Dirt)

2. A commercial and/or critical failure-including straight-to-DVD movies (see: Willard)

3. A musical (see: Grease 2)

4. A film that has not withstood the test of time (see: Working Girl)

5. A film that could only appeal to a small, specific group of people (see: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun)

Here is just an overview of my favorite guilty pleasure films. I've mentioned some of them before. You may recognize some of these as your own personal faves, and you may also unearth some buried treasure. You're welcome!

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

It's Christina Applegate at her finest and it's like opening a 1990's time capsule. Also, there's the backyard fashion show that can't be missed.

"Oh, how ya doin Mom? Yeah, no everything's fine. No, Mrs. Sturak's not here. She um, she went to the yarn store. Yeah, she's crocheting this massive doily for the couch! I...I gotta go Mom."

Mamma Mia
It's a musical. 007 sings, Karen from Mean Girls gets married (or does she?) and Meryl Streep shows us a side we've never seen before (did you know that was possible? Neither did I) in a role many felt was miscast. ("many" = "me")

"I don't care if you slept with hundreds of men, you're my mom, and I love you so much."

The Lather Effect
What a positively horrible title. This film wasn't released in theatres, but when a Connie Britton, Peter Facinelli, Tate Donovan, Ione Skye, Eric Stoltz movie comes on Showtime, you sit down and watch it. Now that I think about it, the presence of Peter Facinelli in a film is like a barometer for whether a movie will be good. He's not the most prolific or high profile actor of our generation, but everything I've seen him in I have loved. This movie bills itself is as "A 'Big Chill' for Generation X!", but if you're sitting here wondering what "Big Chill" means or what "Generation X" means, or if your answer to the question, "What is Generation X?" is "my children's generation", this movie isn't for you. Great soundtrack, though.

“So remember, my friends, if you’re going to rinse and repeat always beware the extra bubbles."

Student Bodies
It's a low-budget horror spoof from 1981 starring a cast of unknown actors. You're gonna hate it.

"Hasn't there been enough senseless killing? Let's have a murder that makes sense!"

Muriel's Wedding
Muriel's an Australian misfit who moves to the big city with her best friend to reinvent herself and live the life she's dreamed of. Oh, and the soundtrack of her life is by Abba.

"When I lived in Porpoise Spit, I used to sit in my room for hours and listen to Abba songs. But since I've met you and moved to Sydney, I haven't listened to one Abba song. That's because my life is as good as an Abba song. It's as good as Dancing Queen."

Soapdish
This movie is as ridiculous as it is star-studded. It's campy and over-the-top; so much so that you know they're in on the joke. Ladies, you'd be hard-pressed to get your man to sit through it, but I'm telling you it's comic gold.

"Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range."

Three Men and a Baby
I didn't know this was a guilty pleasure movie until I suggested watching it one day and my entire family mocked me. What? It's a classic 80's film, it was directed by Mr. Spock, it has a music video montage, it has Ted Danson in drag, and it was the highest grossing film of 1987. If that's not enough to convince you, then here are the only two words that matter: Steve Guttenburg (muy caliente!)

"I had to go to four different stores to buy four different kids of formula. Three different kids of diapers, bottles, towels, you have no idea how much crap these kids need."

God Said "Ha!"
What do you mean, you've never heard of Julia Sweeney's one woman show that tells the story of the worst year of her life--she and her brother were both diagnosed with cancer, and her entire family moved in with her--and she tells her story with a quiet, sweet humor and poignancy that is rare in entertainment today? Still not convinced it's a gem? I dare you to watch only fifteen minutes of it and change the channel. You won't be able to do it.

Pee Wee's Big Adventure
It's so much more than just a tale of a boy and his bike. It's Tim Burton's directorial debut, and has some of the best one-liners.

"You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Marilyn may not have invented the dumb blonde persona, but she perfected it. Her Lorelei Lee is funny and silly, while at the same time vulnerable and endearing. Along with sassy, wise-cracking Jane Russell it's absolute perfection.

"You DO wear it on your head. I just LOVE finding new places to wear diamonds!"

Can't Hardly Wait
I wouldn't have to search far to find someone who loves this movie as much as I do, provided I find somebody who attended high school in the 90s like me. This movie was not a commercial success, but has risen to cult status with its fans (I think...I don't know how you verify something like that)

"Yo, I gotta have sex tonight! I mean peep this - They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active...It means I gots a ninety-two percent chance of embarrassing myself. I roll up on that shorty be like, "What's up yo?" she be like, "You don't know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa" cuz I don't yo."

Imitation of Life
A deliciously melodramatic tale of race, class, family, love, and sacrifice. Served with an extra helping of saccharine-sweet fluffy goodness. I prefer the 1959 version, mainly for Sandra Dee.

"Don't you believe in chasing rainbows?"

Beaches
It's a musical, it's a tearjerker, it's a story told in flashbacks, and it contains heavy doses of brassy Bette Midler.

"What the hell is this, a piano bar or a Nazi work camp? I'm singing my heart out for bupkus, peanuts. I'm eating dog food and you can't even give me fifty dollars you already owe me?"