That's Just the Epidural Talking

I've just about mined the topic of pregnancy and childbirth for all the blogging material possible. I have one, maybe two of these posts left in me. I apparently made a few colorful remarks during my time with the epidural. I'm not sure you can attribute it to the actual epidural.  You can decide for yourself:

To the Nurse Anesthesist administering my epidural, who asked me to describe the sensation of a needle in my spine as "sharp" or "pressure":

"It feels like...you're all UP in my spine!"

To the Labor and Delivery Nurse, who gave me kudos for being a real trooper:

"I'm just trying really hard not to be a punk."

To my second Labor and Delivery Nurse, who asked me to describe how I was feeling after I indicated that I was in severe pain during hour ten or eleven of labor:

"I feel like my body has betrayed me."

[Blogger's Note: That nurse was at least 40 years old, and claimed that nobody had ever said that to her before.]

To my mom, who, after about an hour of watching me struggle through the pushing process, sweetly asks if I'd like her to pull my long hair into a ponytail:

"Absolutely not."

[Blogger's Note: by the time I was actually out of surgery and holding my baby, it was so late that most everybody had already gone home and I was too out-of-it to think of taking pictures, but I was told that my hair looked awesome. They even let me wear my hair down for my c-section instead of stuffing it into one of those blue caps!]

We watched 6 movies during my labor:
1. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
2. Napoleon Dynamite
3. Old School (Frank's wedding reception featuring The Dan Band's performance of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was playing while my epidural was being administered)
4. Mean Girls
5. Anchor Man
6. Sweet Home Alabama

As it became time to push, Sweet Home Alabama was ending. The nurse thought this was weird, but I needed background noise and distraction and so I insisted Steve put on another DVD, and I didn't care what it was. His choice: Drop Dead Gorgeous, an indie flick/mockumentary/black comedy about a small-town beauty pageant starring Kirsten Dunst, Kirstie Alley, Ellen Barkin, Denise Richards, Brittany Murphy, and a then-unknown Amy Adams. So between pushes, I was being asked questions such as: "Is that Amy Adams?! Oh my God!"

To Steve, who, between pushes is watching Drop Dead Gorgeous and asks, "Is that Denise Richards?":

"Yes, this is Denise's finest work, and today we celebrate it!"

To the Labor and Delivery Nurse who, between pushes, strongly urges Steve to look (at you-know-what), despite Steve repeatedly declining her offer:

"Steve has expressed his wishes not to look, and I support that!"

[Blogger's Note: this statement is met with a look of gratitude from Steve, because it finally shut the nurse up]

Forward it Like it's Hot

I hate email forwards, but Jarred sent this to me last week and it made me laugh so hard that I woke the baby (worth it). If you know this email to be fake or that it's been circulating the internet since the Clinton Administration, don't tell me.

These are emails between Shannon the secretary to her co-worker David Thorne in regards to her missing cat. READ FROM THE TOP DOWN!

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,

I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

Tardy for the Party...Oops, I Meant To Say "Office"

Remember Jarred's crazy co-worker Misty? Well, she's running late this morning. Here's why:

"Misty will be 15 minutes late because her daughter was looking at Justin Bieber on the internet this morning."

Yeah, that's the actual excuse she gave, and Jarred had to send this e-mail to his boss...and all of his co-workers.

Happy Friday!

Labor and Delivery By The Numbers

This is neither creative, nor writing, but I have to ease back into this blogging thing. So much has transpired in the past two weeks that if I devoted the time to writing real posts about everything, it would take forever to get caught up. "By the Numbers" was a little feature in Maxim, a magazine I used to read until Steve allowed his subscription to lapse in 2003. This will tell you in a nutshell about my experience with labor, delivery, and post partum without sharing too much information! Spoiler alert: childbirth is messy business.

Days past my due date: 5
Hours of sleep I got the night before the induction: 4.5
Hours of labor: 13.5
Hours of labor before asking for the epidural: 4
Attempts to administer the epidural: 2
Times I suggested booking the OR for a C-Section: 4
Labor and Delivery nurses assigned to me (due to shift changes): 3
Labor and Delivery nurses I expected to have assigned to me: 1
Movies watched during labor and delivery: 7
Cups of apple juice consumed: 5
Cups of apple juice consumed during the last 20 years (outside a hospital): 0
People I allowed to be present for the delivery: 3
Days I was required to go without eating: 2
Days I expected to go without eating: 0
Days spent in hospital: 4.5
Most consecutive hours of sleep since July 22: 3.5
Robinson's birth weight: 9lbs, 9oz
Number of pounds I've lost since the birth due to fluid retention: 10

When Laney Met Robinson