No Child of Mine Will Get Away With This

Amy Robach, Today Show host for this Christmas Eve, brought a young YouTube sensation to my attention, and I wish she hadn't. It really started my Christmas Eve all kinds of wrong. This must be how Lewis Black feels all the time.

Here's the scene: Christmas morning 2009. A three-year-old boy, after opening many presents (including a Wii) opens yet another: children's books. Cue the screaming violins from Psycho. Little Angel in monster footie pajamas (how appropriate) begins shouting at his parents about how books are not toys and you don't give books for Christmas. He actually said "What the heck is that?!" "No, I hate it!" "Yeah, poo! I said poo!" Little Angel quickly changes gears and begins sizing up his next wrapped gift, indicating that it better not be books.

I'm not amused. I'm horrified. Maybe books are a little unexpected at Christmas. Hell, I know that. I've unwrapped quite a few books and encyclopedias on Christmas morning, in addition to other non-toy gift items such as socks and pajamas...do you think a four year old is as excited to receive a pair of socks as she is to receive She-Ra's Crystal Castle?

Would you rather...

No, she isn't, but she smiles and says "thank you" with enthusiasm, because her parents raised her to be appreciative and express gratitude for the gifts she is given, and shes doesn't expect each gift to be as magnificent as She-Ra's Crystal Castle. I think if you're old enough to develop an expectation that you are entitled to a mountain of toys, then you are old enough to understand the importance of the phrase "thank you". But I digress.

I asked Steve if he thought that was acceptable behavior. He said, "I would have been disappointed about getting books when I was three...then again, when I was a kid, I used to roll a bunch of socks together, call it a "ball" and play catch with myself in the yard. I was poor, remember?"

Mommy Dearest, who instead of seeing her child's Christmas tantrum as a sign of the apocalypse, or feeling ashamed that she forgot to teach manners to her son, just laughed and laughed...then posted the video on YouTube to share with friends and family...because when your child acts like a spoiled, ungrateful brat, well, that's a special moment you want to share.

The video went viral, reaching a million hits since Christmas Day last year. To date, this video has 1,945 "likes" and 836 "dislikes" wait, make that 837, and apparently the comments became so harsh and critical that Mommy Dearest disabled commenting on the video and posted this in defense of her spoiled, ungrateful child:

"After opening a whole bunch of toys, my son 3 year old came across a present with books....keep in mind that this was kinda like his first "real" Christmas....and again he's was only three years old!....let me repeat. ONLY THREE YEARS OLD... And that he could just about understand and get the concept of the whole gift getting thing. I guess much to the blame of me, the media, and every commercial out there on TV he was more under the perception that you only get "toys" for christmas. To him Books are the fun time we spend reading (no less than three) every night before he goes to bed. Let me make something clear again. HE REALLY DOES LOVE BOOKS! But I'm guessing he was "overwhelmed" after opening way too many gifts (my fault I went overboard that year) and I think he felt "tricked upon" when he opened the books.....plus the fact that we were laughing at his reaction kinda egged him on to say the Poo statement..... He really is one of the sweetest kids I know and to see this reaction (if you know him yourself) IS cute."

She goes on to assure us that she has taught him better since then. Taught him what? That Christmas is in fact not all about presents, but about the birth of Jesus? That it's more important to give than to receive? That we must remember those who are less fortunate than we are? That when given a gift, the only acceptable response is a smile and a "thank you"? No, you silly poo face! She taught him that at Christmas, in addition to lots and lots of toys, you also receive other non-toy items as gifts! That's the lesson Mommy Dearest taught Little Angel! Hey, Mommy Dearest: don't feel like it's your responsibility to teach your child about manners, gratitude, or selflessness. They'll teach it to him in public school!

Fast forward one year later. Mommy Dearest and Little Angel are on the Today Show, where Little Angel's behavior is nothing short of obnoxious. After listening to Mommy Dearest (whose fabulous parenting skills won her a trip to New York to the Today Show) bitch about how others don't find Little Angel delightful, and she doesn't understand, and he really does love books! We have a moment of truth: Amy Robach presents Little Angel with a present. Spoiler: It isn't books. Little Angel unwraps what looks to be Woody from Toy Story. Little Angel's reaction: "Oh, I already have this". Ahh, yes, Mommy Dearest, you've done a glorious job. Your work is done. After some prompting, he eventually said "Thank you". Jeez, what do you expect? I mean, he already has it!



Oh, and just to reiterate: Mommy Dearest wants you to know that he really does love books! Because, ya know, that's the only thing wrong with this video.

Our First Family Christmas Card

I am very pleased with how our very first Christmas card turned out. Does it conjur up images of angels and  innocence and hope and wonder? Yeah, that's totally what I was going for [shaking head "no"] At one point during the shoot I sprawled out in the floor in sheer exhaustion and a little exasperation. My face hurt from playing cheerleader to coax a smile from Robinson. "Where's my happy boy? THERE'S my happy boy!" Honestly, I was just patient and snapping away and Robinson eventually gave me this shot. Not too shabby for a novice amateur photographer with a cell phone camera, eh? Thanks again to Shutterfly for such speedy delivery of our beautiful cards!

Fortunately (thanks to my Dad) I won't be taking next year's Christmas card picture with a cell phone camera because I am the proud owner of a new digital camera! I'll review it and post some pictures in a future post...after I learn how to properly use the camera's features!

Beware the Cougar Kroger

Ladies: hide yo' husbands, because there's homewreckin' hussies lurking in the cereal aisle of your local grocery store, ready to pounce on your man! I have a whole new sympathy for Jenny Aniston.

We have two Krogers within a two-mile radius of our house. There's the Kroger on Main, which is surrounded mainly by tasteful, modest homes and the regular folks who live in them, and then there's the other Kroger, which is surrounded by McMansions and the silicone-injected trophy wives who inhabit those luxury homes. Steve calls it the "yummy mummy Kroger". There is a markedly higher hotness quotient in the women who shop at this Kroger. When making a Kroger stop on the way home from work last week, guess which Kroger was most convenient for Steve? I'm telling you, nothing good happens at the Cougar Kroger.

Steve: The weirdest thing happened at Kroger. I didn't go to the one down the road, I went to the other one.
Me: M.I.L.F. Central?
Steve: Yep.
Me: Everything ok?
Steve: Well, while I was shopping, I felt like somebody was watching me, but I just ignored it. Then, in the parking lot, this lady was waiting out there and shouted at me like, "Hey!" like you would if you wanted to get somebody's attention...to help you or whatever. I was like, "Yes?" and she said, "I noticed you while you were shopping and thought you were very attractive. I didn't notice your wedding band before, but I see it now." and I was like, "Yep. Happily married. We just had a baby boy." and she was like, "Well I'd still like to get your phone number..." and I said, "Well I'm flattered, but I'm pretty happy, so I'm gonna pass," and she said "Well, that's too bad..."

"That's too bad?" It's "too bad" that a married, new father doesn't want to cheat on his wife? Yes! Hooker hears that he has a wife and a new baby at home and she wanted his phone number anyway. That trollop! Get your own man! Steve did mention that she was hot. I, still living in my post-baby "chunky" phase am understandably not thrilled by this news, but at least secure enough to know that chunky or not, my husband is not going to take up with some tramp who stalked him in a grocery store parking lot. So there.

Steve was really caught off guard by the whole thing. He found it all very off-putting. I'll agree, it's pretty "Swimfan". I, always having to over-analyze (obviously) couldn't help but wonder aloud: What sort of woman values herself so little that she would want to get involved with the sort of man who would cheat on his wife who just gave birth to his child? Any man who would do that is no man at all. Shouldn't she want better for herself? Steve just shakes his head at me as if I'm trying to start a conversation about nuclear fission.

Sidenote: there's a teensy part of me that is feeling smugly proud that I'm married to the sort of man who strange women can't resist propositioning in parking lots. Is that bad?

Three Mutts Photo Album: Christmas Edition

via Awkward Family Photos

Three Mutts Photo Album: Christmas Edition

 via Why Do I Live Here