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Watercooler Gossip

Blame Giselle for Tom's Bieber hair. DListed

You didn't really think Lindsay's apology for her drug use was sincere, did you? Us Weekly

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Juice boxes and kettle chips are the main ingredients in "gay" OMG Blog

Jen and Courteney reunited and I'm the only one who watched. In Case You Didn't Know

Jessica can't even hang onto her gay boyfriend. Celebitchy

The Situation has an iPhone App. Can it help me find a way to make a million dollars despite my lack of marketable skills? Pop on the Pop

That Went Better Than I Expected

Here's a rundown of Robinson's two month pediatrician's appointment:

1. I actually saw a car in the parking lot with one of those "Baby on Board" decals.
2. There was a pregnant woman and her husband in the waiting room, because they're interviewing potential pediatricians for their unborn munchkin. I bet they have their carseat installed already too. I chose my pediatrician based on the recommendation of a friend of a friend who I have never met, and I never laid eyes on my pediatrician or set foot in his office until Robinson was two weeks old. What does that say about me?
3. As I watched Yo Gabba Gabba in the waiting room, I realized that my house will soon be filled with the sounds of Nick Jr. I then realize that annoying kid toys, shows, and music is the part of parenthood I most dread.

Robinson's pediatrics excursion:

Before...

During...

After...

Height: 24" (90th percentile)

Weight: 12 lbs, 15 oz (75th-90th percentile)

Dr. N says we have ourselves a Thanksgiving turkey!

Don't worry, he's sleeping peacefully now.

Pediatrics Theatrics

When I was a kid, the doctors, nurses and staff used to laugh at my family because the only time we ever visited the pediatrician's office was to get stitches. My brother and I had exceptional immune systems, but were (are) very accident prone. Jarred and I were always so nonchalant about our childhood injures. As bad as our newest gaping wound appeared to whatever adult was in charge of us (because they never occured on my mom's watch), Jarred and I had always seen worse. We mostly focused on getting our stories straight so that we wouldn't get in trouble for the horseplay that led up to the injury:

Jarred (age 7): You can't tell Mom I was swinging from a tree branch...we'll say I slipped on a mossy rock.
Me (age 10): Got it.

I blackmailed Jarred for years with this information.

Now that I'm a mom, I am learning what a big deal it is to visit the pediatrician.

1. The first time I used the phrase "My son..." was when calling to schedule his first appointment.
2. The first time I was called "Mom" was by a receptionist asking me to fill out paperwork.
3. The first person to call Robinson by his full first and last name was a nurse.
4. Newborn check-ups are one of the only opportunities/excuses a new mom has to get herself fixed up, dress up the baby, and get out of the house.
5. Finding out baby's current weight, length, and percentiles is exponentially more interesting than I would have predicted.

Robinson and I have each had a few doctor's appointments in the past two months, and I've learned something very important: Rob will give me one hour of "perfect angel" behavior. After that, we're all on borrowed time and he can come unglued and be inconsolable at any time, without warning. My anxiety levels increase as I sit in the waiting room watching the clock tick, knowing that we're wasting our window of "good" time. When that little nugget becomes hysterical in the exam room, the doctors have nobody to blame but themselves. I'm pretty sure I received the world's least thorough skin check at my oncologist's office last month thanks to Robinson's hysterics.

Rob's first newborn check-up didn't go well at all. Steve came along for this visit, and as soon as Dr. N. walked in to begin the exam, Robinson began to scream as if on cue. Unwilling to discuss anything with us in such a hostile environment, Dr. N. suggested leaving the room for a few minutes while I nurse Robinson.

Steve: Did that just happen?
Me: He's a pediatrician and father of four and he becomes rattled by the sound of a crying baby? We've only been doing this two weeks and we're way calmer!
Steve: I know, right?

Fast forward to last night, when I am holding a screaming Robinson:

Steve: So, Bean's been reading your blog--
Me: What?! Why are you even trying to talk to me right now?! I can't hear an effing word you say!

Maybe Dr. N. knows what he's doing after all.

Back to the 1st visit:

Steve: We just took his diaper off for the nurse, and he's bleeding a little bit. I think it's from the circumcision.
Dr. N: Ok, so there's red stuff in the diaper?
Steve: Yeah, there's blood in his diaper.
Dr. N: Well, there's a fluid, and it's red but until we examine him we can't assume it's blood.
Steve: Uh huh. There's blood in his diaper.

Later, when Steve and I are alone:

Steve: Red stuff? I thought you said this guy came recommended.
Me: He did.
Steve: Are you sure he went to medical school?
Me: Yes!
Steve: What kind of doctor calls "blood" "red stuff"?
Me: Seriously, I'm a 28-year-old woman and I've given birth. I didn't go to a fancy medical school, but I think I can correctly identify blood in the britches.

Sure enough, the "red stuff" proved to be blood. Score 1 for Mom and Dad! On second thought, there are no winners here.

I flew solo for the second check-up. During the exam, Dr. N takes a hard look at me from head to toe:

Dr. N: Well, you look very put together. You seem rested.
Me (laughing): Oh, thank you. I wouldn't say that I'm "rested", but I did manage to take a shower.

At first I thought it was an oddly-worded compliment. Then I realized he was sizing me up to determine if I was buckling under the strain of newborn care demands or suffering from Post Partum Depression. It's kind of a weird feeling to be examined when you dont' know you're being examined, but at the same time I'm grateful that pediatricians look out for mom too.

Babies and Bandits

I am running on four hours of sleep, and today is Robinson's two-month check up. For those of you without children, this means my boo is getting vaccinated. For those of you thinking "So?", this means my boo is gonna be a sad little man. I've been warned that fever and fits are to be expected. It's been recommended I strap on a helmet, because it's gonna be a rough ride. With only my sense of humor and a triple venti nonfat vanilla latte to help me, I started my day at 5:00 am. As I'm feeding Robinson his first bottle of the day, I am greeted by my local meteorologist, whose name is Jennifer Lopez, with an enthusiastic "It's Fall, y'all!" She isn't usually this excited, and I can tell she's been waiting months to be able to say that. Good for you, Jen. Good for you.

Next, I got a chuckle from this local news story about a local "Bathroom Bandit":

The guy on the right is Tyce Von Franklin. He was arrested on September 1 for robbing the Texas Trust Credit Union in Arlington, Texas and making off with $183,000. The guy on the right is Kyle Lightner, a bank teller who (allegedly) helped plot the heist, and assisted Franklin during the robbery through helpful text messaging.

If you're thinking $183,000 is a boat-load of cash and an impressive, rare feat, you are correct. So says the FBI. We've got ourselves a regular Ocean's Two over here in Texas! They don't look like George Clooney and Matt Damon, so just how exactly did they pull this off?

Franklin hid in the bathroom until the bank closed, at which point he emerged, brandishing a handgun (I love the word "brandishing". I so rarely get to use it in a sentence) and forced employees into the vault where he loaded up on dollar bills. Ahh, yes, the ol' "hiding in the bathroom" trick. Works every time! The text messages proved critical. Lightner reminded Franklin of the layout of the bank, and warned him of a co-worker who "screams at scary movies, so be calm." Then, the local newscast flashes an image of a cell phone with the following text messages:



Lightner: "Don't forget yo sunglasses"

Franklin:  "Alrite"


Yes, leaving behind the sunglasses you're seen wearing in surveillance footage while robbing a bank would be a critical error that could blow this case wide open. Good lookin' out.
As the mugshots indicate, these two criminal masterminds didn't ride off into the sunset to live out their days with their stolen loot. Allow me to outline all the ways they went wrong:

1. Four hours after the robbery, Franklin was pulled over for speeding (54 in a 40)
2. Franklin had in his possession a bank robber starter kit: a handgun, a surgical mask, and a large amount of cash.
3. Also in Franklin's possession: marijuana. I guess that was for celebrating his windfall.
4. Franklin was wearing the same t-shirt he wore during the robbery.

That's just sloppy bank robbing.

via NBC DFW