That REALLY Happened?

I just realized something that happened last night wasn't a dream, but actually took place. I need to go ahead and have this baby already, because I'm losing my mind babying these dogs.

I was rudely awakened in the middle of the night by a spooked-out-of-her-mind Libby, who had frantically jumped onto the bed beside me, hit me in the face with her back end, knocked over my water bottle on the nightstand, and was acting skittish.  There wasn't enough room on my side of the bed for her badonkadonk, so I felt startled and bombarded. I was in a dead stupor (thank you, Benadryl!) so I fussed at her and told her to get the hell off the bed. A minute or so later, I regain my senses and realize that Libby jumped on the bed because she was scared, and that she was still scared, so I said this to comfort her:

"Oh no, Libby. Did you have a bad dream? I'm so sorry. Here, come get in bed next to me. It's ok."

Yeah, I said that. To a dog. I was seriously convinced she had been awakened by a nightmare and that was the reason for her scurrying about our bedroom like a maniac. I felt so guilty for fussing at her, when she clearly has been through quite the ordeal already. She's a child, afterall, and nightmares are very scary for children. What kind of mother am I if I don't comfort and reassure her? I then used all of my strength to hoist myself closer to the center of the bed so there would be room for this horse-dog to sleep beside me. She seemed grateful for the gesture, taking a place at the foot of the bed before we all fell back asleep.

I think I am officially the Mayor of Crazyville.

This is Like an Effed-Up Remake of Brewster's Millions

I didn't even know this was possible, did you? Steve has a friend who shops in his golf shop. We'll call him "Doug". Doug is a 40-year-old mentally handicapped man who lives in a group home, loves golf, and calls Steve "Uncle Steve". I know, it's enough to defrost your frozen heart. I met him at the Colonial Pro-Am last year, where Doug was caddying and Steve was playing. He's darlin'. Well, the IRS put the screws to our friend Doug over the past 16-some-odd years and didn't give him the correct tax refund. I'm fuzzy on the details. I don't work for the IRS (lucky for me), and I'm nobody's accountant (lucky for you). All I know is that earlier this week, a van from Doug's home came to the golf shop, and a big group of residents piled out. While all the other residents (who incidentally aren't golfers) browsed the store and basically scattered Steve's meticulously merchandised inventory, Doug and one of the people from the home were working with Steve to help Doug go on a shopping spree. Why? Because the IRS acknowledged their mistake and that they owe Doug $60,000 in back tax refunds, or from Doug overpaying his taxes, or whatever, but he only has a short time to spend it or he loses it forever. Are you effing kidding me? Now mind you, I was in bed trying to fall asleep when Steve told me this, and he wasn't rock solid on the details. While I was hung up on the whole "sixteen days to spend $60,000" angle, I actually think the purpose of Steve's story was to tell me how his day took a turn for the weird when a van full of mentally handicapped adults mysteriously filed into his store and quietly trashed the place. I should probably call him to clarify if I'm gonna post this, but if I called him right now he'd be all, "Are you seriously interrupting me at work to interview me for your blog? Are you telling me that's what you're doing? Please don't let that be why you're calling me." Steve is a big fan of the rhetorical question.

These are the questions that keep me up at night

So I read on one of the gossip blogs that Bradley Cooper might have a case of the grumpies because his new film, The A-Team didn't do so hot at the box office. My question is, why does Hollywood keep remaking classics that nobody asked to have remade, and then get all fussy when nobody buys tickets to see their crapfest? Seriously, which one of you wrote a letter to Santa asking for the TV show The A-Team to be re-imagined in modern times with a new cast of characters? It wasn't me. I'm still waiting for them to remake The Facts of Life. And "I pity the fool" who tries to remake The A-Team without a bejeweled thumbs up from Mr. T. For the record, Mr. T hates the new A-Team movie.

I could riff on this topic for a few more paragraphs, but why? My point has been made. Carry on.

An Open Letter to Jenna Bush Hager

Jenna Bush Hager. Sweet, smiling, bright-eyed Jenna Bush Hager. I don't know what to do with you! Being a contributing correspondent for the Today show can't be easy. Being the daughter of a librarian and a teacher yourself, it must be so difficult to speak on camera and not sound like you're reading a children's book aloud to a group of first graders. That said, please try to remember that when you're on television, you're speaking to adults, and a more relaxed, natural tone and demeanor is acceptable. Preferred, in fact. With no distinguishable journalism or on-air experience, and a father who was not regarded as a gifted public speaker, it may seem that you are an unlikely choice for this job. I am sure you weren't chosen for this highly coveted job a million young women would kill for just because of who your family is, but I think you need a little practice. And I would advise you against practicing in front of your librarian mom. She's no help in this matter. Consult your cousin, Billy Bush.

Things I'll Miss About Being Pregnant

I know, I haven't always spoken favorably of pregnancy. I haven't particularly enjoyed it, but that's ok. I would do it all again to bring this little man into the world. I certainly have a list of things I won't miss about pregnancy, but I thought I would take a break from being a Negative Nancy and publish a post about the things I will miss about pregnancy.

1. Never a bad hair day. Thanks to prenatal vitamins and pregnancy hormones, I have like, three head's worth of hair right now. It's shiny, bouncy, happy hair. Apparently hormonal changes after the baby's birth will cause me to lose a lot of it, so for now I am enjoying it. While we're on the subject of physical appearance, I'd like to give a shout out to my belly button. It's the one body part that hasn't disappointed me during this whole experience. It didn't get all big or turn into an outie. It's still a cute little innie, and it's the only thing about me that is cute and little. So I'm thankful for that.

2. Excuse to just sit. My "give-a-damn" is busted, so lucky for me people's expectations of me are at an all-time low and it's perfectly acceptable for me to remain seated, prop my feet up, and relax.

3. (Mostly) guilt-free eating. Pizza? Cake? French Fries? Might as well.

4. License to stay home. I RSVP'd "no" very seldom during this pregnancy, but other than those events like birthday parties and weddings, we did stay home a lot more than we normally would. I must say, I have rather enjoyed myself and I think Steve would agree.

5. Preggo camaraderie. There's nothing quite like it. I've made new friends and reconnected with old friends through the bonds expectant mothers share. It's been lovely. Learning that a friend is expecting, and later hearing "It's a girl!" and finding out the name they've chosen is more exciting for me than an American Idol elimination show.

6. The pitter patter of little feet (in my ribcage). I think the ability to bear children is a privilege and an honor, and the experience of feeling those kicks, flutters, and rolls from a little baby is indescribable and something that men (and women on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant) will never know. And that is as mushy and philosophical as I will get regarding this matter.

7. Getting the last lettuce wrap while eating with friends at P.F. Changs. It'll never happen again.

8. Time to take care of business.  Nothing incites a sense of urgency like the impending arrival of a new baby. We had a running list of home improvements that just continued to build like an avalanche, and since we've been preparing for the baby's arrival, all of those items became top priority and were completed in quick succession. Now we are bringing Robinson into a lovely family home and I have such a sense of accomplishment.