Friday, December 24, 2010

No Child of Mine Will Get Away With This

Amy Robach, Today Show host for this Christmas Eve, brought a young YouTube sensation to my attention, and I wish she hadn't. It really started my Christmas Eve all kinds of wrong. This must be how Lewis Black feels all the time.

Here's the scene: Christmas morning 2009. A three-year-old boy, after opening many presents (including a Wii) opens yet another: children's books. Cue the screaming violins from Psycho. Little Angel in monster footie pajamas (how appropriate) begins shouting at his parents about how books are not toys and you don't give books for Christmas. He actually said "What the heck is that?!" "No, I hate it!" "Yeah, poo! I said poo!" Little Angel quickly changes gears and begins sizing up his next wrapped gift, indicating that it better not be books.

I'm not amused. I'm horrified. Maybe books are a little unexpected at Christmas. Hell, I know that. I've unwrapped quite a few books and encyclopedias on Christmas morning, in addition to other non-toy gift items such as socks and you think a four year old is as excited to receive a pair of socks as she is to receive She-Ra's Crystal Castle?

Would you rather...

No, she isn't, but she smiles and says "thank you" with enthusiasm, because her parents raised her to be appreciative and express gratitude for the gifts she is given, and shes doesn't expect each gift to be as magnificent as She-Ra's Crystal Castle. I think if you're old enough to develop an expectation that you are entitled to a mountain of toys, then you are old enough to understand the importance of the phrase "thank you". But I digress.

I asked Steve if he thought that was acceptable behavior. He said, "I would have been disappointed about getting books when I was three...then again, when I was a kid, I used to roll a bunch of socks together, call it a "ball" and play catch with myself in the yard. I was poor, remember?"

Mommy Dearest, who instead of seeing her child's Christmas tantrum as a sign of the apocalypse, or feeling ashamed that she forgot to teach manners to her son, just laughed and laughed...then posted the video on YouTube to share with friends and family...because when your child acts like a spoiled, ungrateful brat, well, that's a special moment you want to share.

The video went viral, reaching a million hits since Christmas Day last year. To date, this video has 1,945 "likes" and 836 "dislikes" wait, make that 837, and apparently the comments became so harsh and critical that Mommy Dearest disabled commenting on the video and posted this in defense of her spoiled, ungrateful child:

"After opening a whole bunch of toys, my son 3 year old came across a present with books....keep in mind that this was kinda like his first "real" Christmas....and again he's was only three years old!....let me repeat. ONLY THREE YEARS OLD... And that he could just about understand and get the concept of the whole gift getting thing. I guess much to the blame of me, the media, and every commercial out there on TV he was more under the perception that you only get "toys" for christmas. To him Books are the fun time we spend reading (no less than three) every night before he goes to bed. Let me make something clear again. HE REALLY DOES LOVE BOOKS! But I'm guessing he was "overwhelmed" after opening way too many gifts (my fault I went overboard that year) and I think he felt "tricked upon" when he opened the the fact that we were laughing at his reaction kinda egged him on to say the Poo statement..... He really is one of the sweetest kids I know and to see this reaction (if you know him yourself) IS cute."

She goes on to assure us that she has taught him better since then. Taught him what? That Christmas is in fact not all about presents, but about the birth of Jesus? That it's more important to give than to receive? That we must remember those who are less fortunate than we are? That when given a gift, the only acceptable response is a smile and a "thank you"? No, you silly poo face! She taught him that at Christmas, in addition to lots and lots of toys, you also receive other non-toy items as gifts! That's the lesson Mommy Dearest taught Little Angel! Hey, Mommy Dearest: don't feel like it's your responsibility to teach your child about manners, gratitude, or selflessness. They'll teach it to him in public school!

Fast forward one year later. Mommy Dearest and Little Angel are on the Today Show, where Little Angel's behavior is nothing short of obnoxious. After listening to Mommy Dearest (whose fabulous parenting skills won her a trip to New York to the Today Show) bitch about how others don't find Little Angel delightful, and she doesn't understand, and he really does love books! We have a moment of truth: Amy Robach presents Little Angel with a present. Spoiler: It isn't books. Little Angel unwraps what looks to be Woody from Toy Story. Little Angel's reaction: "Oh, I already have this". Ahh, yes, Mommy Dearest, you've done a glorious job. Your work is done. After some prompting, he eventually said "Thank you". Jeez, what do you expect? I mean, he already has it!

Oh, and just to reiterate: Mommy Dearest wants you to know that he really does love books! Because, ya know, that's the only thing wrong with this video.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Our First Family Christmas Card

I am very pleased with how our very first Christmas card turned out. Does it conjur up images of angels and  innocence and hope and wonder? Yeah, that's totally what I was going for [shaking head "no"] At one point during the shoot I sprawled out in the floor in sheer exhaustion and a little exasperation. My face hurt from playing cheerleader to coax a smile from Robinson. "Where's my happy boy? THERE'S my happy boy!" Honestly, I was just patient and snapping away and Robinson eventually gave me this shot. Not too shabby for a novice amateur photographer with a cell phone camera, eh? Thanks again to Shutterfly for such speedy delivery of our beautiful cards!

Fortunately (thanks to my Dad) I won't be taking next year's Christmas card picture with a cell phone camera because I am the proud owner of a new digital camera! I'll review it and post some pictures in a future post...after I learn how to properly use the camera's features!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Beware the Cougar Kroger

Ladies: hide yo' husbands, because there's homewreckin' hussies lurking in the cereal aisle of your local grocery store, ready to pounce on your man! I have a whole new sympathy for Jenny Aniston.

We have two Krogers within a two-mile radius of our house. There's the Kroger on Main, which is surrounded mainly by tasteful, modest homes and the regular folks who live in them, and then there's the other Kroger, which is surrounded by McMansions and the silicone-injected trophy wives who inhabit those luxury homes. Steve calls it the "yummy mummy Kroger". There is a markedly higher hotness quotient in the women who shop at this Kroger. When making a Kroger stop on the way home from work last week, guess which Kroger was most convenient for Steve? I'm telling you, nothing good happens at the Cougar Kroger.

Steve: The weirdest thing happened at Kroger. I didn't go to the one down the road, I went to the other one.
Me: M.I.L.F. Central?
Steve: Yep.
Me: Everything ok?
Steve: Well, while I was shopping, I felt like somebody was watching me, but I just ignored it. Then, in the parking lot, this lady was waiting out there and shouted at me like, "Hey!" like you would if you wanted to get somebody's help you or whatever. I was like, "Yes?" and she said, "I noticed you while you were shopping and thought you were very attractive. I didn't notice your wedding band before, but I see it now." and I was like, "Yep. Happily married. We just had a baby boy." and she was like, "Well I'd still like to get your phone number..." and I said, "Well I'm flattered, but I'm pretty happy, so I'm gonna pass," and she said "Well, that's too bad..."

"That's too bad?" It's "too bad" that a married, new father doesn't want to cheat on his wife? Yes! Hooker hears that he has a wife and a new baby at home and she wanted his phone number anyway. That trollop! Get your own man! Steve did mention that she was hot. I, still living in my post-baby "chunky" phase am understandably not thrilled by this news, but at least secure enough to know that chunky or not, my husband is not going to take up with some tramp who stalked him in a grocery store parking lot. So there.

Steve was really caught off guard by the whole thing. He found it all very off-putting. I'll agree, it's pretty "Swimfan". I, always having to over-analyze (obviously) couldn't help but wonder aloud: What sort of woman values herself so little that she would want to get involved with the sort of man who would cheat on his wife who just gave birth to his child? Any man who would do that is no man at all. Shouldn't she want better for herself? Steve just shakes his head at me as if I'm trying to start a conversation about nuclear fission.

Sidenote: there's a teensy part of me that is feeling smugly proud that I'm married to the sort of man who strange women can't resist propositioning in parking lots. Is that bad?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

My Christmas Playlist

Ok, so I told you my world is like a Christmas village, filled with holiday cheer. Pre-Robinson Samantha would make a list of the worst Christmas songs, but since I'm all joyful and whatnot, I'm making a list of my favorite Christmas songs. Sorry to disappoint.

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, Brenda Lee
This is a quintessential holiday tune. Can you imagine the "party" scene in Home Alone with a different song?

Jingle Bell Rock, Bobby Helms
I love the Hall and Oates version almost as much. They definitely make a great video, but I love this song because it's just so happy.

Baby it's Cold Outside, Dean Martin
This song is a classic, but in the wrong hands it can play as really campy (I'm looking at you, Jessica Simpson). Dean just makes it cool. He also sings "Silver Bells" better than just about anybody out there.

The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late), The Chipmunks
Steve doesn't care for this one, but I'm a fan because it brings out the kid in all of us.

All I Want for Christmas is You, Mariah Carey
Most of the Christmas songs we all know and love have been around for generations, so it's no small feat for an artist to break through and bring us a Christmas anthem the way Mariah did in 1994. I dare you to listen to this song without smiling. It's even better watching her perform it now. She's all pregnant and happy!

White Christmas, Bing Crosby
Favorite version of my favorite Christmas song, from my favorite Christmas movie!
Have a Holly Jolly Christmas, Burl Ives
Here's a beloved Christmas crooner. Wasn't he the voice in Christmas claymation classics Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Love.

O Little Town of Bethlehem, Jewel
Jewel is truly one of a kind. This is an absolutely gorgeous version of one of my favorite religious Christmas songs. The entire album is fantastic. Also worth a listen: "O Holy Night" and "Ave Maria".

Christmas at Ground Zero, Weird Al Yankovic
This one's for Jarred. We loved when Vh1 aired this video at Christmas time (we loved when Vh1 aired Christmas videos period. Hell, I'd settle for any videos at this point. Except for that Kesha girl.) It's from the early 90's and is a delightful little diddy about celebrating Christmas during nuclear war. The video features old footage from Cold War propaganda films and the song includes lyrics like "I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover underneath the mistletoe". My brother and I were sick, twisted little kids I guess.
Please Come Home for Christmas, Aaron Neville
Have you experienced the velvet embrace of Aaron Neville's voice? This is like the Christmas song version of a Nora Ephron romantic comedy.
[sidenote: I do a delightful Aaron Neville impression. It sounds sorta like Aaron Neville impersonating Cher impersonating Aaron Neville.]

Auld Lang Syne, Susan Boyle 
Here's another holiday classic that people love to eff up. It's hard to find a truly beautiful version, but Susan's angelic voice is perfect for this song

Three Mutts Photo Album: Christmas Edition

No lie, my mom has a ceramic Santa who is identical to that one...except I don't remember that one open eye looking so crazy. It's a tad Chuck Manson, no?

via Bad Santa Photos

Misty Tells a Tale of Christmas Gift Fail

Misty: My aunt messed up this one time. She bought a G-Unit shirt for her boyfriend because she thought it meant "Gun It". You know, like motorcycle racing?

Jarred: No, I don't know.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Best Part of Waking Up... finding a sexually explicit image in your text message inbox!

No? Not really what you want to look at first thing in the morning? Yeah, me either!

I will file this under "Things that can't be unseen":

Around 7:00 AM today, a lady in the 205 area code sent a picture message that contained a dimly lit photo of a graphic nature. (I think "sexting" is what the kids are calling it). Unfortunately for her (and the world), instead of sending the erotic photo to her intended target, it went to my loving and sensitive husband, Steve. Being the thoughtful and astute man that he is, he took one look at the image, and, confused by what he was viewing, responded to the text with a question: "Are you digging in your purse?"

She did not respond. That's when Steve realized he had intercepted a bajengo picture.

From there, Steve shared his story, and later his photo with three of his friends, plus me. All this, despite my repeated insistance that "No, I do not need to see it!" He forwarded it to me anyway. I was so horrified, I griped to my brother, Jarred:

Me: I had to start my day by looking at a picture of some lady's junk!
Jarred: Pay it forward!
Me: Who sends a picture like that at 7:00 AM?
Jarred: It's 5 o'clock somewhere
Me: Well, it was a 205 number
Jarred: The heart wants what the heart wants. It knows no time.

View this Not Safe For LIFE photo at your own risk, after the JUMP!

I'm Bursting With Holiday Cheer

I've always loved Christmas, but the past few years, between unhappiness with my job and the fact that Steve and I work in the retail/service industry (which can truly take the joy out of the season), I haven't really enjoyed the holidays. I've been the surly broad at the Christmas party sipping cider in the corner with my equally unfestive friends and going on about how we are so glad this year is almost over. Not this year. Blame it on motherhood. This year it's like my heart grew three sizes. Just like my ass. Hey-oh! At my house it's Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!
I've been compulsively downloading Christmas music and importing Christmas CDs into iTunes and creating Christmas Playlists for my iPod. I've been listening to Christmas music exclusively for two weeks.
I took Robinson to Target. On the weekend. For fun. This is the moment where you ask me if I'm feeling alright and you touch my forehead to check for fever. At Target, I spent an hour picking out Christmas music, Christmas candles, and Christmas movies. I just couldn't decorate the tree while watching Celebrity Rehab. I had to buy Mickey's Christmas Carol, White Christmas and Love Actually. I also decided that this is the year I become the kind of woman who has Christmas spatulas and Christmas doormats and who hangs twinkle lights on anything that sits still.
I have nothing funny to blog about, no snarky observations or pithy banter. I'm just too effing happy.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Us Weekly as Crystal Ball

Ok, so I've been an Us Weekly subscriber since I was 22. I'm now 29. Initially, it was my Wall Street Journal and New York Times and CNN all rolled into one (sad, I know.) I considered it to be a reliable source for the news that really mattered to me. I read every article, snippet and caption, from cover to cover. Over time, it became junk food for my brain, just easy fun--nothing serious. I skipped articles I didn't care about (anything about the Jonas Brothers) and would often just skim the articles and look at the pictures. Then, I became a mom, and two things happened:

1. I became so busy, I began to have a backlog of magazines to catch-up on, meaning I was not the most well-informed celebrity gossip follower.

2. I began to see the magazine for what it truly is: a vehicle for Hollywood publicists to push their agendas and their versions of stories onto the readers. They use the mag to help squash unflattering rumors and plant the seed for rumors that will make their clients more popular. Most commonly, we see publicity stunt relationships (Kim Kardashian and Gabriel Aubry, every relationship Taylor Swift has ever had) and damage control to prevent celebrities' personal lives from negatively impacting their latest project.
Example: Yesterday I was reading the Us Weekly from nearly two weeks ago (as I said, I'm falling behind) and I saw a little blurb in the "Love Notes" section about a very amorous night at a party with married couple Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds. "They couldn't keep their hands off one another!" it reads. Something about that just didn't ring true for me. I love my husband of nearly five years, yet we can totally keep our hands off each other at a fact, all of my friends who are in loving, committed relationships manage to spend time together without launching into PDA. This led me to one conclusion:
I said, "Oh noooo! Yo' marriage is in danger, girl!" I've learned through years of reading these little articles that, if your publicist feels the need to plant an item in a tabloid to announce to millions of readers that you kissed your wife at a party, it means your marriage is not long for this world.

So this afternoon I was reading my favorite celebrity gossip blog, DListed. Blogger Michael K published a statement from Ryan or Scarlett's publicist (via Us Weekly--obviously) stating that Ryan and Scarlett have decided to end their two year marriage. Mmm hmm. Sometimes, sometimes ol' Sammy knows what she's talking about.

If you learn to spot the signs, you can read the subtext of these gossip rags, which is much more interesting and truthful than the magazine itself. You can learn which photo-ops are staged and why, whose relationship is really a publicity stunt, which starlet is acting as a beard to which young closeted gay hearthrob, who's about to get divorced, go to rehab, etc. I may have a gift for this. How disappointing.

Cam on Letterman

I make no promises that you'll laugh, but here's Cam Newton presenting David Letterman's Top Ten List: Top Ten Things Cam can say now that he's won the Heisman. Spoiler alert: Nowhere on the list does the phrase "Thanks, Dad!" appear.

War Damn, friends.

Three Mutts Photo Album: Christmas Edition

Monday, December 13, 2010

Everybody Loves A Christmas Baby!

Remember my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days? Surely it seems I've all but abandoned it, but I haven't. Just turns out that I've all but abandoned writing about it. I will work to remedy that situation over the next few weeks. 

I'll start with one of my favorite items on my list, which I fulfilled happily on Thursday, December 9, 2010: Be Present at a Birth.
My friend Amy gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy named Hudson Scott, and I must say, he's an absolute doll!
Here's Amy's sister, a very proud Aunt Angie:
If Angie were a branch on my family tree, she would adopt a "clever" moniker to use in place of "Aunt Angie". She'd call herself "Auntgie". I'm not joking.
We're so thrilled Baby Hudson has finally arrived! I expect in the future we'll see lots of pictures of Rob and Hudson on the blog, as they will be best buds. I've been really looking forward to this! Know what else I've been looking forward to? Sushi and cocktails with my ol' pal Amy. We've been pregnant for a year! Time to let the good times roll!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Three Mutts Photo Album: Christmas Edition

Brad Pitt: "What's in the box? WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!"

for Steve

via Awkward Family Photos

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Christmas Card Outtakes

I decided to try my hand at making a Christmas card this year. I've always wanted to. It seems like a proper "family" thing to do, and now that Robinson is here, I'd say I have a proper family, so I should act the part, right? Making a Christmas card goes against my procrastinator's sensibilities, because creating, ordering, addressing, and mailing Christmas cards requires planning in advance and executing. You see, I lack follow-through. That's why I never start scrapbook or sewing projects because I don't want to have to look at a graveyard of unfinished craft projects. It just illuminates my slacker-ness.

The only person who was happy about the Christmas card photo shoot was Laney. Did I mention she's an internationally sought-after glamour model?
After an hour of unsuccesfully trying to photograph Rob using the camera on my cell phone (yeah, it's come to that), I invited Laney to join him under the tree. First, she sat four feet away from Rob by the fireplace. I motioned for her to sit closer to him. That's when she gave me this:

Season's Greetings!
That is a bunk nativity scene if I've ever seen one. She looks at me like, "Here's your shot. That's a wrap." Robinson wasn't digging my whole "Away in a Manger" concept.
So I tried dressing him up.
It's supposed to be a Christmas card, not an entry photo for a Baby Gap model search. Also, he looks like a first grader. Not the "Baby's First Christmas" card I envisioned. Next.
For every smiley face shot I get, there's twenty of him crying or with his hand in his mouth.
Then I began peeling his clothes off, layer by layer, til we were back to "naked baby" As you can see, this drug on for some time...
Most pictures were this good. Robinson is bored, and Laney looks like el chupacabra. These pictures are misleading, because Laney is pretty indifferent towards Robinson. Libby is his real-life bestie. I tried to include Libby, and she is nearby while I am shooting, but every time I invited her to sit with Laney and Rob, she tucked tail and ran outside. I think my invitation to be photographed translates in dog-speak to "I will deport you!" because that was her reaction.

I'm proud to say I have placed the order for Christmas cards with Shutterfly, and once they've been mailed, I'll share it with the blogosphere! I hope everybody is enjoying the holidays!

Three Mutts Photo Album: Hanukkah Edition

via Awkward Family Pet Photos

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Smoking Crumb

So, last week I baked a cake. Like nice wifeys do. It was red velvet, one of Steve's favorites. I knew I had done well, because he immediately went and pre-cut slices into the entire cake. Then he served himself three slices on one plate.

A few minutes later, I walk into the kitchen and notice that something is askew with cake...
Clearly this is the work of the cupcake bandit, who last struck in September. That case is still unsolved, but I suspected Libby, Steve suspected Laney. I also have to allow for the possibility that it wasn't an inside job.
You should know that I will never pass up the opportunity to feature Stains the cupcake dog on my blog. Even at the risk of getting text messages from friends that say "Nice blog, but you talk about your dogs too much". Anyway, I think this case is all wrapped up, because while I only had a hunch last time, this time I have proof! I present to you: The Smoking Crumb:

It's Libby!
I hearby find that Libby is guilty of the charge of eating dessert off the counter top: a Class A misdemeanor. I sentence her to: being crated whenever I leave the house for the next week, to keep her honest. I gave her a pat on the fanny and asked her if the cream cheese frosting was tasty. Laney sat in the corner seething that she is a good girl all the time and Libby gets frosting and she gets bupkis (yes, Laney knows Yiddish words). We shouldn't have left the cake so close to the edge of the counter. If I were Libby, I would have done the exact same thing. Now that I think of it, I should have given Laney a slice of cake to make things even. Parenting lesson learned: if one kid gets cake, both kids get cake.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Never Leave Me Again!

I mentioned in my Thanksgiving recap post that I boarded both Laney and Libby for the week, and during their stay, Steve received a report that one of them was suffering from such severe separation anxiety that she was having bouts of explosive diarrhea, barking fits, and ultimately had to be sedated. We weren't told which brown dog was doing this, but Vegas odds makers had it 3:1 as Laney.
Aren't I pitiful?

My whole family guessed it was Laney, and it turns out we were wrong! Turns out it was ol' Scrappy Do herself, Libby Leigh, having Vietnam flashbacks and suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from her days as a homeless, orphaned mutt living on the mean streets of Gainesville, Texas. She remembers how all her sisters got adopted from the pound before her, and she got left behind until the nice redheaded lady adopted her. I can almost picture Libby at the kennel on Thanksgiving, rattling her cage with her paws screaming, "I want my one phone call! Where's my lawyer?! I've been framed!"

I missed you, Sammy!
The girls are super happy to be home now. They're being quietly clingy, and it's cool because they got baths while they were at the kennel and so they smell like roses!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

What the Hell Did You Eat?!

I'm relieved that my five pounds of Thanksgiving weight gain is now only four pounds, but it still begs the question: "What the hell did you eat?!" Steve and I went to Birmingham for the first time in four years, and while it wasn't a terribly long trip, there was a lot of food to be eaten. When you visit a place you don't often frequent, there are certain restaurants a person just has to visit while in town. While I normally wouldn't think consuming that many calories in a seven-day stretch is healthy or wise, I decided that in this instance I would make an exception in order to satisfy what I call "The Lunch List". It's like a bucket list for fat people. For instance, if I were to vacation in say, Maine, I would add lobster to my Lunch List. When I visit New Orleans, beignets from Cafe Du Monde are always on my Lunch List. When we go to the beach, seafood po boys are at the top of Steve's Lunch List. You get the idea.

So, I don't really think Birmingham is known for a particular restaurant or cuisine, so you may be wondering what was so important to us dining-wise. Here's a play-by-play of last week's calorie binge:

If you're from Birmingham, you're probably already singing the jingle "Everybody goes to--Milo's!" I ate at Milo's once in 1997, and it was just "meh" for me. I didn't see what all the fuss was about, but I'm pretty much alone in my opinion. Everybody else goes bananas for it.  See that sauce in the picture next to the fries? Yeah, it's "special". To me, it's somewhere between a sauce and a gravy. You drown your burger in it and dip your fries in it. They're very generous with their onions, too. Also, their sweet tea is so famous, they bottle it up and sell it in the grocery stores. It's the best tea. One of the toughest things about moving to Texas was having to buy Red Diamond tea instead of Milo's. As the wife of a man who has sweet tea running through his veins, I can testify that the first time he realized he didn't have access to Milo's tea was a day without sunshine. Steve ate Milo's twice in the five days we were in Birmingham.

Mellow Mushroom
Famous for it's calzones, Mellow Mushroom is a pizza place found mainly in college towns. It was a favorite place for me to eat in Auburn. Luckily, they have a couple in Birmingham now, and don't think I didn't hit it up while I was there.
Are you gonna finish that?
Jim 'N Nick's
Jim 'N Nick's is a Birmingham institution, with several locations throughout the city, and a parking lot that is always packed. I had to hit up my neighborhood Jim 'N Nick's while I was in Hoover, but not for the reason you might think--famous for their BBQ, I'm a sucker for their...wait for it...grilled chicken salad. With homemade honey mustard dressing and delicious cheese biscuits and chocolate pie for dessert (obviously). It was tasty!

If only we had more time...
Back Yard Burger
Krystal (This one is all Steve! I had no idea anybody eats here outside the hours of 2:00-4:00am.)
Momma Goldberg's

Finally, I can't give all the credit for my Thankgiving weight gain to the aforementioned restaurants. Many other dishes contributed to my badonkadonk. I'd like to thank my mom for the cornbread dressing, chicken 'n dumplings, pot roast and chocolate cheesecake, without which, I might never gain weight!

Happy B'day, Brit-Brit!

I hope everybody takes a moment today to send "Happy Birthday" vibes to my favorite pop star in the world, Britney Jean Spears. She's 29 today, y'all! Cheetos and Frappuccinos for everybody!